Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #11

WOODSTOCK:

This guy's last reported income

was September, 1982.

ACE:

Well then. We know he's

incredibly thrifty.

WOODSTOCK:

Is he?

ACE:

Isn't he?

Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the

screen.

WOODSTOCK:

Well, I think we can be pretty

sure he's involved in the

kidnapping of the dolphin.

ACE:

Really? What makes you say that?

WOODSTOCK:

There's two-thousand dollars worth

of smelts on his VISA card.

After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.

ACE:

Please yank me no further. I beg

of you.

WOODSTOCK:

Alright already. The last time

this guy used his credit card was

June, '84. He rented a car from

Avis. And� eww� he was a bad

boy. They found it abandoned two

months later in South Miami.

ACE:

Anything else?

WOODSTOCK:

Nope.

ACE:

Well� you did all you could.

Thanks for nothin.

WOODSTOCK:

Hey man, according to this, your

friend Ray Finkle doesn't exist.

ACE:

Hmm, I know what that's like.

WOODSTOCK:

Do you?

ACE:

Don't I?

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls

by the burnout whose

head has now stopped.

ACE:

(to burnout)

Did you get all the spiders outta

there?

Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are

standing at the exit. Then they

see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.

Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic

gyrations interfere with the

thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.

One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they

pursue Ace.

BURNOUT:

(calling, as he gets up)

Thanks, man! You're a great

dancer!

Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.

Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting

moshed.

Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the

stage. The insane crowd

begins to pass him around over their heads.

The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase

ensues.

Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The

singer is lying there

exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he

quickly grabs the microphone

off the floor.

ACE:

(screams)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME

MOMMY!!!

The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange

a look and go for it!!

It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's

minions.

ACE:

URGHHUURRAAAW! ARGHUURRRREEEW!

The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air

again and mosh them away

from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.

Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The

crowd follows their new

leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.

The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.

When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd

violently drops the thugs.

They're out cold.

EXT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace's car skids to a halt. He hops out.

INT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

There's a loud BANGING at the door. Melissa awakens, looks at the

clock:
3:32 a.m. She drags

herself to the door.

MELISSA:

Who is it?

ACE (O.S.)

Ira.

MELISSA:

Ira who?

ACE (O.S.)

I refuse to do a 'knock knock

joke'. Come on, open up!

Melissa opens the door.

MELISSA:

Ace, what are you doing? It's the

middle of the night!

ACE:

You have to commit me.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN

Ace's clunker speeds down the highway.

ACE (V.O.)

Finkle escaped from Shady Acres in

Tampa. They still have some of

his stuff.

MELISSA (V.O.)

So you think they're going to let

us just waltz in and look around?

EXT. SHADY ACRES - ESTABLISHING - DAY

A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.

INT. SHADY ACRES - DAY

The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.

DOCTOR:

Mrs. Robinson? I'm Doctor Handly.

Now who is it that you'd like to

have us look at?

MELISSA:

My brother� Eugene.

ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a

helmet.

ACE:

I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just

give me a chance. I know there's a

lot riding on it, but it's all

psychological. Got to stay in a

positive frame of mind. Memorize

the play book. Study the films.

Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his

face.

ACE (CON'T)

I'm gonna execute a button-hook

pattern!

He begins to make a play in slow motion.

ACE (CON'T)

Super slo-mo!

CUT TO:

EXT. SHADY ACRES HOSPITAL - DAY

Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing

outdoor therapy, etc.

DOCTOR:

You're brother won't be the first

professional football player we've

treated.

MELISSA:

Is that right?

DOCTOR:

Yes. We're very sensitive to the

emotional stress athletes have to

endure.

Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"

DOCTOR:

We'll have to do some preliminary

evaluations, but I think your

brother will fit in nicely here.

MELISSA:

That's a relief, Doctor.

Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the

end zone. Melissa and the

doctor stop to watch him.

DOCTOR:

He seems to have some difficulty

letting go of the game. Has he

had a long history of mental

illness?

MELISSA:

(truthfully)

As long as I've known him.

Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients

participating.

INT. SHADY GLADE ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them

adjusting his imaginary

shoulder pads.

DOCTOR:

This is our therapy room� Arts

and crafts�

They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.

DOCTOR (CON'T)

That's the storage room. This

hallway leads to another

recreational area �

Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee�

ACE:

HALFTIIIIME!!

Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench

outside the storage room.

MELISSA:

He'll be fine by himself for the

next twenty minutes.

DOCTOR:

Well, why don't I show you the

dormitories, then?

They leave Ace.

After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the

storage room door.

INT. STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes

maked FINKLE.

Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In

the third box, he hits the

jackpot:
He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan

potholders, shredded

Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely

scrawled on every page.

Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:

"SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER"

ACE:

(reading)

A massive search ended today when

rescue workers were unable to find

the body of Lois Einhorn�

(stunned)

�a camper reported lost since

Friday�

(to himself)

Lois Einhorn� holy sh*t balls.

Ace sits bewildered.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.

EMILIO:

Echavez.

INT. SHADY ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.

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