Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #10

Ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the

pigeon held high over his

head. He looks insane.

ACE (CONT'D)

(singing)

I caught the white pigeon, I

caught the white pigeon, I caught

the white�

Ace slows down and begins to look around warily. There are now an

unusual number of birds

perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars,

and on the swings.

The sky grows darker. He slowly turns and tries to get back to the

car. All the birds take flight.

Ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late.

The birds are on him. Pecking,

and gouging, and ripping his flesh.

Now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. Five birds flying away

with an arm. Twenty others

are trying to take Ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing�

ACE:

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace is back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window. A

small boy is pulling it.

BOY:

Hey mister. Hey mister.

Ace come to suddenly, and looks at the boy with a crazed expression.

BOY (CONT'D)

That was a really neat crash,

mister. Do it again!

Ace sighs with relief.

EXT. MIAMI - DAY

Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED" "STAR QB

MISSING" "DAN

WHERE ARE YOU?"

THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the

cover,

Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.

EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT DAY

A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of

questions at Einhorn.

REPORTER:

Lieutenant, have there been any

ransom demands?

EINHORN:

There's been no communication with

the kidnappers at this time.

REPORTER #2

What's going to happen to the

Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?

EINHORN:

As of now, the game is going on as

scheduled.

REPORTER #3

Why wasn't the public told about

Snowflake's kidnapping?

EINHORN:

Secrecy was essential. We didn't

want any public interference.

REPORTER:

Are the crimes related? And what

about Roger Podacter's murder?

EINHORN:

I'm sorry. I can't comment any

further. Now if you'll excuse me.

Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.

INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her

office.

EINHORN:

Emilio, get me the autopsy on

Podacter! Aguado, send out a

memo. No one talks to the

press�

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

EINHORN:

�And somebody get me a cup of

coffee!

ACE:

(TV announcer's voice)

Tonight on "MIAMI VICE", Crockett

geets the boss coffee!

Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn

walks to her private

bathroom.

EINHORN:

Ventura, when I get out of this

bathroom, you better be gone.

ACE:

Is it number one or number two?

Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.

ACE:

I just want to know how much time

I have.

Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.

ACE:

Oh, by the way, I went ahead and

solved that pesky,

Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.

EINHORN (O.S.)

(humoring him)

Oh yeah?

ACE:

yeah, ever hear of a former

Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.

EINHORN:

Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.

ACE:

I found a rare stone at the bottom

of Snowflake's tank. It's from a

Dolphin '82 AFC Championship ring.

It would have been a Super Bowl

ring, but Ray Finkle missed the

big kick. Blames the whole thing

on Marino. We're talking

paranoid, delusional psychosis. I

saw the guy's room� Cozy, if

you're Hannibal Lector.

EINHORN:

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

ACE:

My guess is Finkle was snooping

around. Podacter recognized him.

End of story. As for Snowflake�

they gave him Finkle's number, and

taught him how to kick a field

goal. Finkle took it personally.

Einhorn listens with great interest.

EINHORN:

So where is Finkle, now?

ACE:

He broke out of a metal hospital.

Did a Claude Raines. He's been

planning his revenge for years.

Waiting for the perfect time to

get back at the Dolphins. The time

when it would hurt them the most.

Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired

of being right!

Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally

softened her demeanor.

EINHORN:

Congratulations. You've done some

fine detective work, Ace.

ACE:

Ahh, could you talk in my good

ear. I thought I heard you call

me Ace.

Einhorn gets real close.

EINHORN:

Maybe I was wrong about you.

Maybe you are more than just a pet

dick.

SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON

ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.

ACE:

Your gun's digging into my hip.

More kissing, the Ace stops.

EINHORN:

(still coming on)

What's wrong, Ace? Want me to

read you your rights?

ACE:

Maybe later.

EINHORN:

What is it? That bony little

b*tch, Melissa Robinson?

ACE:

(defensive)

No. You just don't do anything

for me.

He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn

withdraws with a coy smile.

EINHORN:

I'll be here if you ever want a

real woman.

There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.

EINHORN:

What is it?

Aguado opens the door.

AGUADO:

Everything okay in here? Heard

some commotion.

EINHORN:

Fine, Sergeant.

AGUADO:

You want me to throw him out?

EINHORN:

Why don't you throw yourself out.

AGUADO:

�Yes, ma'am.

A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.

EINHORN:

Ace, I want you to leave

everything to us.

ACE:

Can't do that, Lieutenant. I was

hired to find Snowflake.

EINHORN:

When we find Marino, We'll deliver

Snowflake.

ACE:

When I find Snowflake, I'll

deliver Marino.

He exits.

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly

into the moshing pit. The same

Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.

ACE:

(shouting)

Nice to see you again!

The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the

band and joins him.

WOODSTOCK:

St. Francis, how's it goin'?

ACE:

(kidding)

That's none of your damn business.

WOODSTOCK:

Isn't it?

ACE:

Is it?

WOODSTOCK:

Anything new on that dolphin?

ACE:

Got his picture on some tuna cans,

but nothing so far.

A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of

cutlery.

SINGER:

Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhhh!

Geroooghhh!

WOODSTOCK:

So, what can I do for you today?

ACE:

I need info on a football flunky

named Ray Finkle.

WOODSTOCK:

Sorry, Ace, I can't help you right

now. I gotta watch this band!

They are the sh*t!

ACE:

Are they?

WOODSTOCK:

Aren't they?

ACE:

Alright then. Don't worry about

it. I mean dolphins aren't

exactly an endangered species.

It's not like the whole food

chain's gonna be affected if one

highly intelligent mammal dies a

slow and painful death! Hell, if

the band is loud enough, you won't

even hear its pitiful whimpering!!

Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer

enjoying the band.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's

Social Security information

appears on the screen.

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