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Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #9
- PG-13
- Year:
- 1994
- 86 min
- 1,331 Views
MRS. FINKLE
Will you put that gun down. The
boy's a fan of our son. So nice
to meet you. I'm Ray's mother,
and this is Ray's father.
ACE:
It's a real honor.
MRS. FINKLE
My Ray is so appreciative of his
fans. He'll be so pleased you
stopped by.
ACE:
Are you expecting Ray anytime
soon?
MRS. FINKLE
Oh, yes. I expect him home any
minute.
Ace is surprised.
MRS. FINKLE
Would you like some cookies? I
just baked them.
Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The
guy's a corpse.
ACE:
Wow� Ray Finkle's house! Can't
wait to meet him!
MR. FINKLE
Ray ain't comin' home.
ACE:
But your wife said you expect him
home any minute.
MR. FINKLE
She expects him home any minute.
He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.
MR. FINKLE
Engines runnin but there's no one
behind the wheel. Ten years ago
our son escaped from Shady Acres
Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa.
They're still buggin' us to pick
up his stuff.
Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.
MRS. FINKLE
(sweetly)
It was all that Dan Marino's
fault, everyone knows that. If he
had held the ball laces out, like
you're supposed to, Ray would
never have missed that kick. Dan
Marino should die of Gonorrhea and
rot in Hell. Would you like a
cookie, son?
Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.
ACE:
Hey, what do ya know. They're
little footballs.
MRS. FINKLE
Laces OUT!
CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup
truck filled with drunken
patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle
chant.
MOB:
FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!�
MRS. FINKLE
I told you he had a lot of fans.
Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It
hits one of the vandals,
knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.
MR. FINKLE
(aside to Ace)
She got the arm. The boy got the
leg.
INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER
Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.
MRS. FINKLE
When Ray gets back and starts
kicking again, he'll never even
know he was gone. I kept his room
just the way he left it.
She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.
INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of
Dan Marino, some with
nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls:
"Death to Marino!",
"Marino must die!!!", etc.
ACE:
�Oooh boy.
MRS. FINKLE
What a sports nut, huh?
In the center of the room is a movie projector.
ACE:
May I?
MRS. FINKLE
Oh yes. By all means.
Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.
The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the
final play of the Super Bowl.
Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film
repeats itself ad infinitum.
EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY
Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.
ACE:
Melissa, it's Ace.
INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY
MELISSA:
Ace? Where are you?
INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA
ACE:
I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's
the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?
MELISSA:
Marino? Why?
ACE:
Because he's about to join
Snowflake. I gotta know where he
is.
MELISSA:
Okay, hold on�
Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.
ACE:
(to himself)
Come on. Come on�
In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office
rolling a dead body on a
gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red
spot. We widen to see them load
good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the
station bell one more time. Ace
doesn't notice.
MELISSA:
Ah, he had practice. Then� he
has a commercial shoot out at the
Prescott Sound Stage.
ACE:
Where is that?
MELISSA:
It's on Route One by the Six Cut
Off. Thirty minutes outside of
town.
ACE:
Okay, that's about fifteen miles
from me. Call the police. Get
extra security over there now.
MELISSA:
Ace, tell me what's going on.
(beat)
Ace?�
The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is�
�in his car racing out of the swampland, his heaad now back out the
window so he can see. He
leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake:
"WELCOME TO COLLIER
FINKLE"
The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.
Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.
MARINO:
protect me. With Isotoners.
Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.
DIRECTOR:
Good. Remember, exit camera
right. That's to your left.
Alright, let's get ready to shoot
this.
FIRST A.D.
(to the linemen)
Helmets on this time!
The linemen disperse.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.
Marino is in the make-up chair.
MARINO:
(to make-up girl)
See, in 82 we just choked. We had
a chance to win it and we
didn't �
DIRECTOR:
Dan, are you ready?
MARINO:
Ah, sure.
(to girl)
I'll tell you later.
EXT. STUDIO - DAY
The cops race onto the lot.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
A.D.
Quiet on the set� roll�
speed�
DIRECTOR:
�And action!
MARINO:
Hi, I'm Dan Marino. If anyone
knows the value of protection,
it's me�
We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.
EXT. STUDIO - DAY
Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.
MARINO:
protect me. With Isotoners.
The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.
DIRECTOR:
And cut! That was good. Again
from one.
But two of the linemen keep running with Marino�
DIRECTOR:
I said cut!!
�And they keep running.
DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
What the hell are they doing?
�Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them.
of the dressing room holding their heads.
Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.
He sees Marino being shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drive
off.
The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.
Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.
ACE:
(yelling at cops)
S'cuse meee! Pet Detective!
Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he
starts gaining on the bad
guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.
ACE'S POV
He can't see sh*t through his broken windshield.
He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.
Ace swerves off the road into�
EXT. PARK - DAY
Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few
times and lands on its
wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the drivers
seat, unconscious.
Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace
cracks his eyes and
sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps
it in his hands, and forgets all
about Marino.
ACE:
I did it! I did it! I caught the
white pigeon! I caught the white
pigeon!
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