Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #9

MRS. FINKLE

Will you put that gun down. The

boy's a fan of our son. So nice

to meet you. I'm Ray's mother,

and this is Ray's father.

INT. FINKLE HOUSE - DAY

ACE:

It's a real honor.

MRS. FINKLE

My Ray is so appreciative of his

fans. He'll be so pleased you

stopped by.

ACE:

Are you expecting Ray anytime

soon?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh, yes. I expect him home any

minute.

Ace is surprised.

MRS. FINKLE

Would you like some cookies? I

just baked them.

Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The

guy's a corpse.

ACE:

Wow� Ray Finkle's house! Can't

wait to meet him!

MR. FINKLE

Ray ain't comin' home.

ACE:

But your wife said you expect him

home any minute.

MR. FINKLE

She expects him home any minute.

He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.

MR. FINKLE

Engines runnin but there's no one

behind the wheel. Ten years ago

our son escaped from Shady Acres

Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa.

They're still buggin' us to pick

up his stuff.

Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.

MRS. FINKLE

(sweetly)

It was all that Dan Marino's

fault, everyone knows that. If he

had held the ball laces out, like

you're supposed to, Ray would

never have missed that kick. Dan

Marino should die of Gonorrhea and

rot in Hell. Would you like a

cookie, son?

Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.

ACE:

Hey, what do ya know. They're

little footballs.

MRS. FINKLE

Laces OUT!

CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup

truck filled with drunken

patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle

chant.

MOB:

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!�

MRS. FINKLE

I told you he had a lot of fans.

Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It

hits one of the vandals,

knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.

MR. FINKLE

(aside to Ace)

She got the arm. The boy got the

leg.

INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER

Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.

MRS. FINKLE

When Ray gets back and starts

kicking again, he'll never even

know he was gone. I kept his room

just the way he left it.

She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.

INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of

Dan Marino, some with

nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls:

"Death to Marino!",

"Marino must die!!!", etc.

ACE:

�Oooh boy.

MRS. FINKLE

What a sports nut, huh?

In the center of the room is a movie projector.

ACE:

May I?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh yes. By all means.

Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.

The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the

final play of the Super Bowl.

Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film

repeats itself ad infinitum.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.

ACE:

Melissa, it's Ace.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

MELISSA:

Ace? Where are you?

INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA

ACE:

I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's

the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?

MELISSA:

Marino? Why?

ACE:

Because he's about to join

Snowflake. I gotta know where he

is.

MELISSA:

Okay, hold on�

Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.

ACE:

(to himself)

Come on. Come on�

In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office

rolling a dead body on a

gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red

spot. We widen to see them load

good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the

station bell one more time. Ace

doesn't notice.

MELISSA:

Ah, he had practice. Then� he

has a commercial shoot out at the

Prescott Sound Stage.

ACE:

Where is that?

MELISSA:

It's on Route One by the Six Cut

Off. Thirty minutes outside of

town.

ACE:

Okay, that's about fifteen miles

from me. Call the police. Get

extra security over there now.

MELISSA:

Ace, tell me what's going on.

(beat)

Ace?�

The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is�

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

�in his car racing out of the swampland, his heaad now back out the

window so he can see. He

leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake:

"WELCOME TO COLLIER

COUNTY. HOME OF RAY

FINKLE"

The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIOS - DAY

Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.

MARINO:

�So I protect the hands that

protect me. With Isotoners.

Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.

DIRECTOR:

Good. Remember, exit camera

right. That's to your left.

Alright, let's get ready to shoot

this.

FIRST A.D.

(to the linemen)

Helmets on this time!

The linemen disperse.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIO - DAY

Marino is in the make-up chair.

MARINO:

(to make-up girl)

See, in 82 we just choked. We had

a chance to win it and we

didn't �

DIRECTOR:

Dan, are you ready?

MARINO:

Ah, sure.

(to girl)

I'll tell you later.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

The cops race onto the lot.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

Marino takes center stage.

A.D.

Quiet on the set� roll�

speed�

DIRECTOR:

�And action!

MARINO:

Hi, I'm Dan Marino. If anyone

knows the value of protection,

it's me�

We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.

MARINO:

�So I protect the hands that

protect me. With Isotoners.

The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.

DIRECTOR:

And cut! That was good. Again

from one.

But two of the linemen keep running with Marino�

DIRECTOR:

I said cut!!

�And they keep running.

DIRECTOR (CONT'D)

What the hell are they doing?

�Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them.

Two linemen stumble out

of the dressing room holding their heads.

EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY

Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.

He sees Marino being shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drive

off.

The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.

Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.

ACE:

(yelling at cops)

S'cuse meee! Pet Detective!

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he

starts gaining on the bad

guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.

ACE'S POV

He can't see sh*t through his broken windshield.

He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.

Ace swerves off the road into�

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few

times and lands on its

wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the drivers

seat, unconscious.

Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace

cracks his eyes and

sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps

it in his hands, and forgets all

about Marino.

ACE:

I did it! I did it! I caught the

white pigeon! I caught the white

pigeon!

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