Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #8

She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.

MELISSA (CONT)

He's the guy that missed the final

field goal in the Super Bowl that

year. Cost the Dolphins the game.

ACE:

But he got a ring?

MELISSA:

Definitely.

INT. STADIUM/PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE - LATER

Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen.

Newspaper articles, headshots

flash before them�

MELISSA:

'Replacement Kicker Having Great

Year'� 'Ready For Super Bowl,

Confident Kicker Boasts'.

ACE:

'Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins

Lose Super Bowl'.

MELISSA:

"The kick heard round the world."

That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost

by one point.

Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.

MELISSA:

Poor guy.

ACE:

Poor guy with a motive, baby.

Where is he now?

MELISSA:

Last I heard, he went back to his

home town, Collier County. He

used to work in a bar up there.

ACE:

(pondering)

REHEHEALLY.

MELISSA:

Can you drop me off before you go?

ACE:

(shaking his head)

No way. It may not be safe at

your apartment, and you shouldn't

be left alone.

MELISSA:

What do you suggest?

CUT TO:

INT. ACE'S BEDROOM - LATER

We see a person's butt under a sheet coming up into frame repeatedly.

SKIN, SWEAT, SHEETS FLY, as Ace and Melissa roll back and forth on

the bed. Ace is taking

no prisoners.

CUT TO:

50 animals at the bottom of the bed, with eyes as big as silver

dollars, watching them silently. We

cut back and forth between furious lovemaking and shots of staring

animals.

Melissa and Ace simultaneously reach the pinnacle of pleasure.

MELISSA:

(totally amazed and exausted)

OH man� oh man! Oh wow!

ACE:

(mock embarrassment)

I'm sorry� that's never happened

to me before. I must be tired.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town

deep in the Everglades. A

sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at

his cluttered desk with the

end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the

trigger.

Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only

gasoline pump.

DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his

mouth, sets it down and walks

out.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Ace gets out of his car.

ACE:

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where

I can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?

FERN:

Do I have a "kick me" sign on my

back, son?

ACE:

I wouldn't know anything about

that, but if you could point me

toward the bar.

Fern breaks down, sobbing.

FERN:

They all left me� all of them!

ACE:

Well� Hypothetically speaking,

say they all left you and went to

the Pigskin Sports Bar. How would

they have gotten there from here?

FERN:

Two miles down and take the first

left.

ACE:

Thanks very much! Take care now,

'bye 'bye then!

Ace gets into his car and pulls out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in

his mouth, reaches for the

trigger and�

DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun

out of his mouth.

FERN:

(murmers to himself as he gets up)

Can't get anything done around

here�

EXT. PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.

INT PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with

various degrees of missing teeth, sit

around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.

Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.

ACE:

Excuse me, guy?! My name is Ace

Ventura, I'm a pet detective. I'd

like to ask you a few questions if

I could.

No one even looks at him.

ACE:

Just a few questions, that's all.

Still no one reacts.

ACE:

(very up)

Who wants gum?!

Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five

across the bar.

ACE:

I'm looking for a guy who used to

work here.

The bartender takes the money.

BARTENDER:

That right?

ACE:

He was a kicker for the Dolphins.

Ray Finkle.

A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar.

All eyes are on Ace.

ACE:

(to guy who threw it)

That would be a scratch.

TOOTHLESS GIANT:

You a friend of Finkle's?

ACE:

(thinks)

�Yes?

CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.

ACE:

Sorry, I have "say the opposite of

what you mean" disease.

Several undesirables surround Ace.

TOOTHLESS GIANT:

That bastard ruined this town.

ACE:

Ewww� I hate that!

HICK #2

We bet everything we had on that

Super Bowl and that son of a b*tch

gagged.

ACE:

What a diiick!

They all move closer in a threatening manner.

HICK #3

Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!

ACE:

Death to Finkle! Death to Finkle!

The bartender steps in.

BARTENDER:

We had a hell of a thing going

here. Tourists coming to see Ray

Finkle's home town. He was

standing right over there when he

got the call from the Dolphins.

The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the sh*t beaten out of

it. Every expletive you can

think of is graffitied around it.

ACE:

Did he come back after the Super

Bowl?

BARTENDER:

Yeah� but the boys here had ways

of letting him know he wasn't

welcome.

HICK #1

Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked

Finkle.

Laughter.

TOOTHLESS GIANT:

What's the difference between

Finkle and a jackass? A jackass

can kick.

More laughter.

HICK #2

Why did Finkle cross the

road?!

ACE:

(facetious)

Wait� I know this one.

HICK #2

He didn't! And I've got the hair on

my bumper to prove it!

Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.

MOB:

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!

FINKLE SUCKS!

ACE:

It's good you're dealing with the

anger.

(beat)

I don't suppose anyone's seen him

lately?

The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.

BARTENDER:

No� but we know where his

parents live! Don't we boys?!

HICK #1

Yeah! We sure do!

They all laugh insanely again.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been

completely desecrated by graffiti,

bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the

trees. Ace walks up and knocks

on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair

of eyes.

ACE:

�Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

A gun slides out into Ace's face.

ACE:

(with a gulp)

And a clean pair of shorts.

A deep gruff voice from inside.

VOICE:

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

ACE:

Southpaw soccer style kicker.

Graduated from Collier High in

June, 1976. Stetson University

honors graduate, class of 1980.

Holds two NCAA division one

records. One for most points in a

season, one for distance. Former

nickname The Mule. The first and

only pro athlete ever to come out

of Collier County. And one

helluva model American.

After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open

revealing MR. FINKLE, an

unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.

MR. FINKLE

Are you another one of them

scumbags from 'Hard Copy'?

ACE:

No, sir. I'm just a very big

Finkle fan. This is my Graceland,

sir.

Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.

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