Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #7

Emilio steps in immediately.

EMILIO:

Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss

Robinson �

EINHORN:

This is official police business.

We'll let you know if the coroner

finds any ticks.

Cops snicker.

EMILIO:

I just thought since Melissa �

ACE:

E, forget it. She's right.

Besides, I wouldn't want someone

tracing my steps and pointing out

all the mistakes I made.

Ace crosses to�

EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT

Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.

EINHORN:

Oh, so, you don't think this in an

obvious suicide, Mr. Pet

Detective?

ACE:

Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord

knows, there is plenty of evidence

here to support your theory,

except of course that spot of

blood on the balcony.

On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.

Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.

ACE:

May I tell you what I think

happened? Alrighty then!

Ace moves as he talks.

ACE:

Roger Podacter went out after

work. He had a few drinks, and he

came home. But he wasn't alone.

Someone was with him in this

apartment. There was a struggle,

and then Roger Podacter was thrown

over that balcony. Roger Podacter

didn't commit suicide. He was

murdered.

A beat as everyone considers this.

EINHORN:

Well, that's a very entertaining

story, but real detectives have to

worry about that little thing

lawyers call evidence.

Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a

condescending kid show host.

ACE:

Let's take a trip to clue

corner, shall we? Can anyone tell

me why a man buys a lottery ticket

on the day he is going to commit

suicide? Or why the family pet,

suffering from acute canine

trauma, clawed at the bedroom door

until his paws bled? How about

the blood on the railing? I'll

bet if we put our thinking caps on

we'll see that it was the result

of the struggle that took place

inside this apartment while Mr.

Podacter was still alive!

(singing)

NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE

COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!

Everyone looks to Einhorn.

EINHORN:

Not a bad try for a pet detective,

but not near conclusive enough for

us real investigators.

(beat)

First, people buy lottery tickets

everyday. It's a habit. It

doesn't prove a thing. Second,

the dog wasn't suffering from

canine trauma, he was suffering

from bladder trauma. Sergeant

Neilson found a piss stain as big

as Lake Huron near the bed. And

third, the blood on the railing.

Simple. He doesn't jump far

enough and whacks his head. A

fact confirmed by the paramedics

who found cuts on his scalp, with

traces of a white chalky

substance. i.e. plaster from the

balcony.

Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with

Einhorn.

EINHORN:

So much for your murder, Ventura.

AGUADO:

Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet

flush. Maybe someone lost their

turtle?

Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.

ACE:

Well, maybe I'm just a little out

of my league, here. Einhorn�

Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.

ACE:

�good work.

Ace and Melissa head for the door.

ACE:

Oh, there is just one more thing,

Lieutenant.

(re:
the neighbor)

This man is Roger Podacter's

neighbor. He lives across the

hall. He said he heard a scream,

is that right, sir?

The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.

ACE:

And you said you had to open the

balcony door when you keyed into

the room?

MANAGER:

That's right.

Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.

ACE:

You're certain you had to open

this door?

She nods.

EINHORN:

What's the point, Ventura?

ACE:

Only this�

AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW�

Ace sustains an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens

and closes the glass door

between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.

ACE:

(tapping the door)

This is double paned, sound-

proofed glass. There's no way

this neighbor could have heard

Podacter scream on the way down

with this door shut. The scream

he heard came from inside this

apartment, before Podacter was

thrown over the railing! And the

muderer closed the door before he

left!

(celebrates insanely)

Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the

demons!

(a la Poltergeist)

This house is clear.

INT. ACE'S CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER

Ace drives straight ahead.

MELISSA:

What are you thinking?

ACE:

I'm thinking this whole thing is

connected somehow.

(frustrated)

I'm thinking I want to find that

other ring!

MELISSA:

You checked all the rings.

ACE:

I know, Pessimistress. Could

anyone else have gotten a ring

that year?

MELISSA:

No. Camp was the only honoree.

Just players and coaches.

Everyone in the photo.

ACE:

�Receipts! There must be

receipts! You have a key to the

office.

MELISSA:

Ace this has been a really tough

day. Can't we do this in the

morning?

Ace looks at his watch.

ACE:

Absolutely.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - 1:00 AM

Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps

out, followed by Melissa.

INT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY - NIGHT

It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.

MELISSA (O.S.)

These files go back to seventy-

eight.

INT. DOLPHIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa

is starting to warm to him.

MELISSA:

That was pretty impressive, what

you did back at the apartment.

ACE:

(still looking)

You don't have to tell me. I was

there.

MELISSA:

Maybe you should have joined the

police force� become a real

detective.

ACE:

(shaking his head)

I don't do humans.

Melissa gets a bit closer.

MELISSA:

You really love animals, don't

you?

Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.

ACE:

I feel a kinship with them. I

understand them. Wanna hear

something kinda spooky?

MELISSA:

Sure.

She gets closer still.

ACE:

One time, when I was about twelve,

I had this dream that I was being

followed by a dog with rabies. He

had these really bloodshot eyes

and foam coming out of his

mouth� and just before I got to

my front door� he jumped on me

and sunk his teeth in. Then I

woke up, and felt the back of my

neck� check this out.

Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she

does, he snaps at her hand,

barking like a vicious dog.

ACE:

ARARAR!!!

Melissa jumps out of her skin.

MELISSA:

Ohhh!! You bastard!

ACE:

(snickering)

I'm sorry. I couldn't stop

myself. Are these all the

receipts?

MELISSA:

(mildly annoyed)

I don't know.

ACE:

There's only a dozen of them here.

Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face.

Melissa begins to clean up his

mess.

MELISSA:

(pointedly)

Gee� maybe they were misplaced

because somebody didn't put the

files back when he was�

ACE:

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA:

What�

Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the

aadjacent wall and points out a

player.

ACE:

That! Who the hell is that?!

He quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins

to compare the two.

MELISSA:

Oh, that's Ray Finkle� the

kicker. Don't you know who Ray

Finkle is?

ACE:

No! How come he's not in this

picture?!

Melissa checks Ace's photo.

MELISSA:

This was the picture you were

using? This was taken earlier in

the year. Finkle wasn't added to

the roster till mid-season.

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