Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective Page #2

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We'll talk about him another time.

- Mom, y ou alway s say that.

- I'm not ready for that talk y et.

- We can have itwhen y ou're older.

- (Ox burps)

I am older, Mom. I'm 12 y ears old

and I'm starting to have all these weird feelings

and I don't have a dad for...

"that talk."

Honey, every body y our age

has those feelings.

No, Mom. (slurps noisily)

Not these feelings.

That's it! You are not eating out of a dog bowl,

y ou are not sticking y our head out of a carwindow

and y ou'll use the toiletfor something other than drinking.

You'll be like other kids!

- But, Mom, this is who I am.

- No, it's not.

It's who y ou're acting like.

(panda squeals)

(panda roars)

(pandas whine)

Huh?!

(fartss)

- Morning.

- Good morning, Mom.

- Hey, what's with that hat on?

- What hat?

- Ace.

- It's what all the kids are doing.

You said y ou wanted me to be like them,

so here y ou go.

Not at the table.

Mom.

Mom, the cereal!

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- It's happening.

- What is it?

(man) Puty our hands up!

Stay still!

Don't move!

- Melissa Ventura?

- Yeah.

Oh, wow.

One more punch and y ou get a free y ogurt.

What? "The Cinnamon Hippo"?

Is thatlike Chuck E Cheese?

Never mind that.

Russell Hollander, NBFW.

- National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife.

- Smart kid. I'm in charge here.

Do y ou have any idea how often they let a member

of Fish and Wildlife lead a SWAT team?

Yeah. Never.

You guy s don't even get badges. You wear patches.

Give me that.

I'll have y ou arrested for assaulting a federal officer.

OK, fine. Jeez.

But, technically, police dogs outrank y ou.

- (man) Ranger Hollander? They're towing y our car, sir.

- Again?

(Melissa) Wait.

Can'ty ou just tell us whaty ou're looking for?

Your case is the biggest in history. They're calling guy s

back from Alaska for this. Play ing dumb isn't gonna work.

You left alot of evidence at the scene, Mrs. Ventura.

We found y our shoeprints all over the place.

- In English, Ranger Smith.

- Ting Tang has been stolen.

My mom works for the zoo.

Of course her prints are there.

And y our bank accounts show

y ou live pay check-to-pay check.

I suspect a panda cub

brings big bucks on the black market.

We've found something, sir!

What is this?

- Your ransom note?

- Somebody sent that. I don't even knowwhat it means.

- And this.

- A tranquilizer gun.

- Sir, y ourfinger... prints.

- Recently fired.

They give us all tranquilizer guns.

I used it to sedate a chimpanzee.

Thatwas actually very funny.

He grabbed this tourist's leg and started...

That's enough, Ace.

Melissa Ventura,

y ou're under arrest.

- What? (snarls and growls)

- Whoa, whoa!

Down, boy! Down, boy!

Down, boy! Down! Down!

(snarls)

It's all been a mistake. This has all been a mistake.

There y ou go. There we go. We'll sort it all out.

That's so good.

It's like chocolate. Mm. They're so addictive.

(gasps)

- (Hollander) Come on.

- Not until I make a call for someone to stay with my son.

- Give her the cellphone.

- Mom, I'll find Ting Tang.

No. You promised.

I don'twanty ou to do any thing, Ace.

One call.

- OK, while y ou walk. Come on.

- I'm gonna call his grandfather.

But, Mom, Grandpa's gonna be

on a cruise for anotherfourweeks.

- I'm calling y our other grandpa.

- What other grandpa?

Grandpa...

- Ventura.

- Huh?

Rex? It's Melissa.

(coughing and wheezing)

(coughing continues)

Come on, Spark.

Come on, Spark.

Sorry about that.

Hello, Ace.

Grandpa?

First thing, y our mom is fine.

She's gonna have a bail hearing on Friday.

You can see her then.

(wheezes)

(coughs)

Darn hairballs.

What can y ou do?

My cat's on his eighth life.

There are some spots

he's simply too old to lick himself.

(retches)

(coughs)

- Too much information.

- Well, Ace, I haven't seen y ou since y ou were a baby.

What are y ou now? 84?

- Grandpa, I'm 12.

- Right. Dog y ears.

I'll bety ou're helping animals by now,

aren'ty ou?

Come on,

show me y our office.

Come on, Sparky.

Come on, Sparky. Here we go.

Attaboy.

So, these are the animals

y ou're try ing to find, huh?

Well, I was,

but then Mom said itwas too dangerous.

Re-he-eally?

(Laura) Hi, Ace.

- You obsess much?

- What? About Laura? No, not really.

Sometimes.

May be. Yeah, I do.

- Hey, Grandpa, can I ask y ou a question?

- Sure thing.

Whatwas my dad like?

Well, what did y our mom

tell y ou about him?

Nothing. She say s that he disappeared

on a business trip when I was a baby

and that I'm too y oung

to know the rest.

Yeah, well, y our mom's got good reasons

why she doesn'twant to talk about him.

But can I ask y ou this?

Have y ou everwondered

why y ou keep looking forlost animals?

- Because...

- Because why?

- I don't know.

- Because y ou're a Ventura!

AVentura.

Now, although it took along time

for our ancestors to develop a kinship

with the animal world,

eventually,

we won them over.

Even the carnivores.

Down through history,

the Venturaline continued,

including Charles Ventura Darwin.

You knowwho he was, don'ty ou?

He was the evolution guy, right?

Survival of the least

loo-hoo-hoo-oser-est.

Did y ou know

a Ventura would never harm an animal?

One of y our ancestors, the greatAntarctic explorer

Sir ErnestVentura Shackleton.

Although he and his crewwere starving to death,

they would not eat a penguin.

Jacques Ventura Cousteau,

who invented the scuba suit

so thatfinally

man could commune with his watery brethren.

Itfitlike a glove.

So, y ou see, Ace Jr.,

the Venturaline has along and storied career

of animal advocacy,

communion

and search and rescue.

Well, was my dad

like the other Venturas?

I've probably said too much already,

buty our mom was in trouble

and I thoughty ou needed to know.

So, whaty ou're say ing is

that I should go out and try to find Ting Tang?

I'm not say ing any thing.

I'm just say ing.

Say ing what?

Your Y chromosome

has the Ventura mutation.

You're one of us.

- Come on, Sparky.

- Um... Grandpa, I'm...

I'm pretty sure he's dead.

He's not dead.

He's sleeping.

Come on.

Did y ou hearwhat he said? My goodness.

My goodness!

(grunting)

Hey, if I say over the wall, it's over the wall.

Don't be a maverick. Let's go.

Aaaargh!

Jeez! I didn't know

the lunch lady had a nightjob.

(Hollander) "Russell Hollander,

NBFW CSl:
Orlando."

I like the way that sounds.

I left no stone unturned, no clue undiscovered.

Case closed,

Melissa Ventura.

- You are guilty.

- That guy is one big-time sick monkey, my friend.

(growls)

Case number 349A49320452.

Alpha-Beta-Delta-Airlines.

Missing panda cub.

Answers to Ting Tang.

Or, if y ou speak Panda, "Grrrrr."

On loan from national government.

Country:
China.

Crime scene

shows no sign of disturbance.

As expected,

my mom's shoeprints are everyw where.

And the only other prints are panda...

Or are they?

Holy roly-poly!

- I knew it.

- (Pong Ping growls)

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