Achmed Saves America

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Jeff:
Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham.

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist.

Jeff:
I have a question for you, Achmed.

Achmed:
I am all ears, without actual ears.

Jeff:
All right. Who's your favorite cartoon character?

Achmed:
Is this a trick question?

Jeff:
No. Seriously, who is it?

Achmed:
Tigger.

Jeff:
Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh?

Achmed:
Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad.

Jeff:
And Piglet?

Achmed:
Don't be an idiot.

Jeff:
Sorry.

Achmed:
Whatever. What is the point of this?

Jeff:
What if you, Achmed, were animated?

Achmed:
Me? A cartoon?

Jeff:
Right.

Achmed:
Like Tigger?

Jeff:
Sure.

Achmed:
That would be fantastic.

Jeff:
Then wish for it.

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
Make a wish.

Achmed:
Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"?

Jeff:
Perfect.

Bubba J:
Hi, everybody.

Achmed:
Aah!

Bubba J:
I am Tinker Bubba.

Achmed:
What the-

Jeff:
Hi, Tinker Bubba.

Bubba J:
Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish?

Jeff:
Yep. That was Achmed.

Achmed:
A wish? What wish?

Bubba J:
You said you wished to be intoxicated.

Jeff:
No, animated.

Bubba J:
Oh, well, I can do that too.

Achmed:
This is ridic-

Bubba J; Ta-da!

Achmed:
Ah! Oh! What happened to me? Why do I look like this?

Jeff:
Thank you, Tinker Bubba.

Bubba J:
You're welcome.

Achmed:
You infidel fairy.

Bubba J:
Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. Whoo-hoo!

Achmed:
You tricked me.

Jeff:
You got your wish.

Achmed:
And why am I like this?

Jeff:
It's for your new animated special, Achmed Saves America. Enjoy the show.

Achmed:
Come back, Tinker Bubba!

(First Scene)

Achmed:
I will kill you. Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. I have coverage all the way out here and not a cell tower in sight. Yes, yes. What? What?

Hassan:
Achmed. Why are you still alive?

Achmed:
Nice talking to you too.

Crowd:
Wheel of Toture!

Hassan:
I should have heard a big boom by now.

You have worked for us for three years, and you still haven't killed infidel one. I swear, you are the worst terrorist in the whole non-Muslim world.

Achmed:
I am not. As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that.

Hassan:
Are you forgetting you blew up

a training camp? The only thing left was the monkey bars.

Monkey:
Oh, please.

We are so much better than them.

Achmed:
Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time.

Hassan:
Achmed, focus!

You're not losing your nerve, are you?

Achmed:
No! Are you kidding?

I'd be crazy not to want

to kill myself.

Hassan:
Then tell me why you are doing

this mission.

Achmed:
Because you told me to.

Hassan:
Wrong answer! Why?

Achmed:
Because I hate the infidel.

Hassan:
And why do you hate the infidel?

Achmed:
Because you told me to.

Hassan:
Right answer. So don't screw this up.

Achmed:
Why do you treat me like a fool?

The bomb is ready to go. Oops. Huh? Hey. I'm alive.

I failed! Son of a female dog. Well, it obviously can't get

any worse than this. Huh! What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. Release me at once. Clutch me again! I was kidding! I was kidding! Well, that used to hurt. Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me?

No! Mmm. Hmm. Hey. Death to America... ville.

Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. I have arrived

in the land of the infidels. It will only be a matter

of time until-

Wayne:
Oh, boy. I don't know what that was,

but it made a doozy of a noise.

Kevin:
I hope we hit something cool. Then this day wouldn't be a total loss.

Cassidy:
Whatever. Everyone's at the mall

except me. And now my life is over.

Wayne:
Well, I know we hit something, but darn if I know what it was.

Achmed:
Turn around, asshat.

Wayne:
Is that what we hit?

Kevin:
Whoa! Is he dead?

Cassidy:
Can we go now?

Ginny:
No, honey. We have to help him.

Wayne:
Here you go, buddy. You're fine. You're gonna be fine.

Achmed:
Wait, stop.

Wayne:
Let me give you a hand

with that.

Achmed:
What are you doing?

Wayne:
Oh, that is a hand.

Achmed:
Get your hands off of me.

Wayne:
And the diaper goes on top, right?

Achmed:
Wait a minute.

Wayne:
That's a knee.

Achmed:
I don't even touch myself there.

Wayne:
That's a...

Achmed:
What are you doing?

Wayne:
third knee.

Achmed:
Stop touching me! You put my ass in front!

Wayne:
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

Achmed:
Oh, that makes me feel so much better.

Wayne:
I guess we should exchange

insurance information Oh, that looks like ours.

Kevin:
Ew!

Cassidy:
Can we get you to a doctor

or something?

Achmed:
I want nothing to do with you. How I wish that evil airplane had never carried me from my homeland to this wretched America of yours.

Kevin:
Mom, did you hear that? He said he just flew here.

Maybe he's our exchange student.

Cassidy:
Yeah. Claude, the French kid

we missed at the airport?

Achmed:
I hate you, and I hate this country.

Wanye:
Oh, yeah, he's French. We better stop him. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you.

Achmed:
What? What? What? Ah! What devil is this?

Ginny:
Bill, no.

Achmed:
Bill? Seriously'? You give your dogs people names? What did you name your kids, Bubbles and Cujo?

Ginny:
Billy, off! I'm sorry. He just likes you.

Achmed:
Oh, great. When does the humping start?

Wayne:
By any chance, are you Claude?

Achmed:
Of course I am Claude. I'm clawed, scratched, bitten, licked, and humped, but mostly I am clawed.

Wayne:
So you're saying you're Claude?

Achmed:
Yes! You stupid American infidel.

Ginny:
That's wonderful.

Achmed:
What?

Ginny:
Claude, we are

your host family, the Wilsons,

and we're so happy you're here.

Achmed:
Are you infidels friendly or idiots

or just friendly idiots?

Wayne:
Sorry about the mix-up at the airport, but that is all over now. Let's get you to your new home.

Achmed:
You're taking me to your cave?

Wayne:
Well, I do have a man cave. It's the garage.

Kevin:
Is he naked?

Ginny:
Try not to make him feel bad, okay, honey? He's probably poor. Let's get you a hot meal first.

Cassidy:
We have the foreigner. Can we please go to the mall?

Achmed:
I have moled myself, "first season of Homeland" style, among the enemy, the hated ones. These people who call themselves Wilson are cunning, though. They insist on treating me with respect and feeding me an obscene amount of food that I can barely keep down.

"I have the same problem."

Achmed:
Their town is in terrible shape, and their lives are filled with emptiness and failure, yet they don't take

the obvious route of blowing themselves and everyone around them up. What's up with that?

Wayne:
I just work on the assembly line now, but my dream is to design the cars, like this.

Achmed:
This is a gas-guzzling, obnoxious testament to everything the rest of the world hates about America.

Wayne:
Exactly. It'll be a huge seller and save the company. If only my boss would look at it.

Ginny:
He will, because it's perfect,

honey, just like you.

Achmed:
These are nothing like the Americans I was taught to hate, which makes me hate them more. Plus, I had no idea women could drive. Well, this is your home

for the summer, Claude. It's cozy, but we love it. I am nauseated by the evil stench of decadence.

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