Achmed Saves America Page #2

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Kevin:
He did it.

Ginny:
Now, Kevin.

Wayne:
Don't pick on our guest. He's had a long day. You know he was hit by a minivan. Why don't you and your sister go toss the football or something?

Kevin:
Fine.

Cassidy:
I'm going to Angie's.

Ginny:
Don't ignore your phone.

Cassidy:
It's not the phone I ignore.

Ginny:
Kids today.

Achmed:
In my land, they would have

both been stoned by now.

Wayne:
That's right. You French kids start drinking

early, don't you?

Ginny:
Wayne, remember our surprise.

Wayne:
Oh, sure. Be right back.

Achmed:
So now that I am deep

in the bowels of the enemy,

I will make it my mission

to explode out a reeky,

steaming vengeance,

but how and when?

Both:
Ta-da!

Achmed:
Ah! Are you Catholic?

Wayne:
No, we're American.

Ginny:
Claude, you got here just in time for our town's 100th birthday celebration, and it's tomorrow!

Wayne:
Ginny's in charge of the parade and the fireworks.

Ginny:
It's going to be some show.

Achmed:
Fireworks? Explosions? Large crowds?

Ginny:
We'll fix your room up, Claude.

Achmed:
You go ahead. I'll just be here innocently

plotting and scheming. This is going to be easier

than I thought. Ha Ha! Stupid Americans. They always leave their dynamite just lying around. Let me go!

I keel you! Oh, stop. Stop that. I cannot be murderous

when I am being tickled. I keel you! I've been working

on my big bomb. All the dead long night. Dear diary, my bomb is complete. Tomorrow I will get my revenge

on these people who have been so nice to me.

Ginny:
Here's a soft pillow.

Achmed:
How I hate them. Is it hypoallergenic?

Ginny:
Just like you asked.

Achmed:
Yes, thank you, evil, American, monster she-woman.

Ginny:
You French have such colorful words for everything. Oh, are you writing a book'?

Achmed:
Yes, it is a book of humorous observations about small-town life, like the kind by your famous

instigator of suicide, Garrison Keillor.

Ginny:
That's nice. Nighty-night now.

Achmed:
Nighty-night, nighty-nights. Hello, gorgeous.

Kevin:
Hey! I want to talk to you.

Achmed:
I don't have a bomb.

Kevin:
You're not fooling me, kid. I know why you're here.

Achmed:
Is that so? Well...

Kevin:
My parents brought you here just to make me look bad. I can't compare to how cool you are. You're from France and all. I hate you.

Achmed:
Aw, really? I hate you too.

Kevin:
My dad thinks I should be

playing football, but I don't want to do that. I'm good at other stuff, secret stuff, i've never even told my parents about.

Achmed:
You wish to lie with another boy of your gender?

Kevin:
No! I want to be... a ventriloquist.

Achmed:
A what?

Kevin:
You know, a ventriloquist. I have a dummy.

I make it talk. We tell jokes in front of big

audiences and get big laughs.

Achmed:
That is a job?

Kevin:
Yes!

Achmed:
That is the stupidest thing i've ever heard.

Seriously, who is going to pay to see anyone do that crap?

Kevin:
But I'm good at it. I've been practicing

with my new dummy. Da-d a-d a-d a!

Little Jeff.

Little Jeff:
Hiya, Claude.

Achmed:
That toy is possessed with a human spirit!

I pound your face with a shoe, which is the worst thing

you can do to someone in my country for some reason

that no one has ever explained to anyone.

Kevin:
Hey, what's wrong with you? I'm sorry i said anything to you. This is gonna be a long summer.

Achmed:
Or a short one. Aah! Whew. It's only you. I thought you were Jessica Chastain.

Cassidy:
Who's that?

Achmed:
She was the crazy b*tch in The Help. What are you doing here?

Cassidy:
I was, like, out with my boyfriend, now my ex-boyfriend. Ugh. I hate him. I wish he was dead.

Achmed:
Hmm. Does he live within a 20-mile radius

of tomorrow's parade?

Cassidy:
Please don't tell Mom and Dad.

Achmed:
The place where my lips once were is sealed.

Cassidy:
They never liked him anyway. They think I have, like, bad taste in guys?

Achmed:
You? No. Don't be so hard on your-

Cassidy:
I felt something just now.

Achmed:
Well, that was my detonator, bomb, penis, nothing!

Cassidy:
You're so funny.

Achmed:
Gracias?

Cassidy:
And I love your French accent.

Ginny:
Cassidy, are you home?

Cassidy:
Got to go. I'll love you till I die.

Achmed:
Stay within the 20-mile radius.

Ginny:
Good night, Cassidy.

Cassidy:
Good night, Mom.

Wayne:
Good night, Kevin.

Kevin:
Good night, Dad!

Wayne:
Good night, Ginny!

Ginny:
Why are you screaming at me when I'm lying right next to you?

Wayne:
Sorry, honey!

Kevin:
Good night, little Jeff!

Little Jeff:
Good night, "ethery-diddy"!

Achmed:
Silence! Good night, bomb.

(Next Scene)

Cassidy:
Great job, Mom.

Ginny:
Thanks. And don't you two look nice.

Kevin:
Yeah, I got this shirt at the-

Ginny:
Ah! It's almost time for the show to start. Kevin, do you know where Claude is?

Kevin:
No, Mom, I don't. "Claude. Claude. Where's Claude?" Everybody loves the French guy.

Cassidy:
He was in the car with us. He had on this great

French cologne. It smelled like sawdust and fertilizer.

Achmed:
Here we are! Almost there. Nobody help or touch me, please. Also, please turn off all cell phones.

Ginny:
Claude, you look so patriotic.

Achmed:
Yes, it is patriotism is given me a glow in my heart and a pain in my neck. (Crack!) Ow!

Mayor:
Ginny, the town square

looks great. This event will be just the thing to turn around our town spirit and get me reelected, or you're fired. Just kidding. Not really.

Ginny:
Mayor McEwen, this is Claude,

our French exchange student.

Mayor:
Bonjour, Claude. Comment allez-vous? (French Speaking)

Achmed:
Uh, ou est la toilette fromage?

Mayor:
Oh, that's cute. Whoa! What the hell?

Achmed:
Holy crap! Pardon my French.

Chet:
Hey, Ginny, nice shindig. A little low-key if you ask me. I mean, where's the eagle? Nothing says kick-ass

like a flag with wings that go Americaw!

Evelyn:
Americaw!

Chet:
Americaw!

Evelyn:
Americaw!

Chet:
Americaw!

Evelyn:
Americaw!

Ginny:
Claude, these are our neighbors, the Andersons.

Chet and Ev, this is Claude.

Evelyn:
Nice to meet you, Claude.

Chet:
You know, I usually don't like you Frenchies, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Achmed:
Don't be an idiot. I hate the French.

Chet:
Well, then we are gonna be simpatico. Ha. That's Mexican for "I wet your back, you wet mine."

Achmed:
Such a delightful racist.

Chet:
I like you.

Carl:
Way to set an example, Chet. Carl Zimmer. We're not all tea-bagging wing nuts like him, Claude.

Chet:
Yeah? And we're not all freedom-hating, Al-kissing,

gunless lesbians like this guy. Americaw!

Achmed:
Please, can't you two get along? Very soon

none of this will matter. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go to the little French boys' room.

Ginny:
Hurry back. You don't want to miss the show.

Achmed:
My show will leave a bigger impression. Five minutes to blow time. I should totally tweet that. (Gasp!)

Justin Bieber is going to be in Portland?

Maoyr:
And in the centennial spirit, suits at Stan McEwen's Wide and Tall are on sale for $100. Supply is limited. Suits may have been pre-worn. Now, we have a very special guest here today, uh, somewhere. Right?

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