Achmed Saves America Page #3

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Ginny:
I don't know where he- There he is. Claude, up here.

Mayor:
A big hand for our new friend

from France, everyone.

Achmed:
Hello. You don't know me from a hole in the ground, but get ready! Bye, now. T-T-F-U.

Mayor:
Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, our new friend.

Achmed:
Help! I'm being illegally detained by a large black man who is dressed very nicely.

Ginny:
You big silly. We have something for you.

Achmed:
Oh, good. I have something for you too.

You first.

Mayor:
America is a nation of foreigners, and you're our first legal one. And now Raul's Gardening Service would like to give you a 21-leaf-blower salute.

Ginny:
That's why we're all here, to thank you and welcome you!

Achmed:
You people are all so moronically cheerful.

Mayor:
Now, to help celebrate Claude's arrival, put your hands together for American Idol season nine Hollywood round almost semifinalist, Ronny Huntingchurch!

"Well, this is for you, Claude. A million years ago, when Columbus sailed the sea. He hadn't planned on the place

he'd land on would still be brave and free. We welcome the Irish, the Chinaman, and jew but let me say, on behalf of the USA. There's no better foreigner than you."

Achmed:
Wait. I can't be crying. I must have shrapnel in my eye.

"You're the quill in Jefferson's hand. You're Patton

at Custers last stand. George Washington's teeth,

the great Toby Keith. You put the "heart" in heartland.

And we say to you with pride soon to bust. We pray to our God. But it's in Claude. That we trust."

Achmed:
You-you trust me? What the fatwa. The guys have it all wrong. You are the best infidels ever. Where I am from, no one is nice. They stay in their caves, knee-deep in camel poop, covering their wives so they look like Pac-Man ghosts.

Chet:
That's French for you.

Achmed:
I love this country. Life to America! (Forgets about the bomb) Oh! I'll be right back. That really hurt.

"You'll get used to it."

Achmed:
Where is that bomb? It's always in the last place you look. Ow! There you are. Huh? You actual, literal

son of a b*tch. No, no, no, no, that is not a squeaky bomb. Give me that bomb. I have to save the people i wanted to kill a minute ago. Oh. The things I have to do.

Billy, look what I have for you. It's your favorite... femur.

Go get it, Bill! Oh... no! *******! Whew! That was close.

That's a pretty big button. I bet this looks awesome

from down there!

Ginny:
He really loves America.

Wayne:
I sure hope so.

Achmed:
America, I love you! Still love it. Loving it a little less.

Dave Chester:
I'm at Americaville General Hospital

where an entire town is holding a vigil for someone they just met this morning... a brave little boy from France named Claude.

Hassan:
Ah! La la la la! It's burning.

Wayne:
Doctor, is he gonna be okay?

"Well, he displays no vital signs whatsoever. The technical term for that is "dead."

Wayne:
Golly, that sounds serious.

Achmed:
Huh?

Cassidy:
He's waking up. My boyfriend's waking up.

Achmed:
The wire that's blue will not hurt you. The wire that's red will make us dead.

Ginny:
Shh. I think he's trying to tell us something.

Achmed:
The bomb on the bus goes Bing, bang, boom. Bing, bang, boom. Bing, bang, boom, bing, bang, bang

Bada, bada-bing, bing- Hey, everybody! Oh, the pain! It's making me say things only sung at terrorist camp.

"Well, that's the most we can expect from him right now, I'm afraid."

Ginny:
We should leave him now. He needs his rest.

Keven:
Mom, I guess you'll need someone to take

Claude's spot in the parade. I've been working on something.

Achmed:
Parade? I can be in a real American parade? Where people wait all night to get great seats to watch other people walk? Count me in! Sorry.

Kevin:
Hmm. I thought you were dead.

Cassidy:
It's a miracle.

Achmed:
Aah! I declare this centennial parade started!

Ginny:
Look what you did, Claude.

Mayor:
You've inspired the entire town.

Achmed:
Thank you. I don't have to blow up again, do I?

Carl:
Congratulations, Claude. In the words of Michelle Obama, "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I'm really proud of my country."

Achmed:
Yes, we heard her say that. That is when we recruited her.

Carl:
She is a true American.

Achmed:
Yes, and her hair is actually straight.

Chet:
Son, you're the real hero, 210% American.

Achmed:
You people suck at mathematics. I love it.

Dave Chester:
Claude, Dave Chester, CNN.

Achmed:
CNN? I love you Quys. You're the Borders Books

of cable networks.

Dave Chester:
Claude, you've only been here two days, and you've already been hit by a truck, gotten blown up,

rolled down a hill in a fiery Dumpster...

Achmed:
And I've tried curly fries.

Dave Chester:
So how do you like our country?

Achmed:
Well, I'm in America, so I won't tell you how I feel. I will sing, just like those 30-year-old teenagers

on that bafflingly beloved TV show Glee. I love to hate-watch it. When I was merely four years old. There was nothing I thought greater. Than to turn this nation

you call home. Into a giant smoking crater. But like Miley Cyrus and her bong. Or Brett Favre texting all night long.

Or Mitt Romney's awful sing-along-

Mitt Romney:
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

Achmed:
I was wrong, I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong, I see no drone. Yes, I was wrong, Obama phone.

And so unconscious and half dead. I wrote this song

You folks are quite easily suckered. But your heart's

where it belongs. I don't know why I can't deny that I was wrong. Running water, Girls Gone Wild. No bombs strapped to any child. I find I am beguiled.

Chet:
Americaw!

Achmed:
Yeah, what he said. So much food you throw away. So much TV filled with gay I love you, Project Runway, so I canceled my fatwa. Cause I was wrong

Crowd:
Oh, he was wrong

Achmed:
Yes, I was wrong

Crowd:
So very wrong

Achmed:
About America, I say that I was-

Achmed & Crowd: Wrong, wrong, wrong

Achmed:
When I look across your faces be they Wilson, Berg, or Chong I must admit I am a twit, and I was wrong. Oh, I'll miss my friend the sniper. And my flea-infested cave. I'll sort of miss my second chance to have an early grave. But even though you're filled with sin. Like Blind Side, you all took me in A foreigner who has no skin.

"Ah."

Cassidy:
Get away from him! He's mine!

Achmed:
I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong.

Yes, you're dim and rather simple And you shouldn't wear a thong. But it's clear i shall stay here for I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Yes, it is clear i shall stay here

where I belong.

Chet:
All right, you can do it just this once.

Achmed:
Americaw! Good night, Ginny.

Ginny:
Good night, Claude.

Achmed:
Good night, Wayne.

Wayne:
Good night, Claude.

Achmed:
Good night, Cassidy.

Cassidy:
Good night, Claude.

Achmed:
Good night, Kevin.

Kevin:
Good night, Claude.

Achmed:
Good night, Kevin's creepy, dead-eyed boy doll.

Little Jeff:
Shut "up"!

Achmed:
Okay. Good night, America.

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