Achmed Saves America Page #4

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(Third Scene)

Evelyn:
Chet, you're gonna crash this thing!

Chet:
We're already late, thanks to you. Will you hurry up?

Evelyn:
Well, I'm sorry. My flip-flop flew out.

Chet:
Well, then you're gonna be left behind. I want to make sure Claude sees me cheering him on. Hey, there, Carl. Nice view, huh?

Carl:
It's all right.

Chet:
So, uh... Any room up there for-

Carl:
No. Not Really Chet. I've been waiting here all morning.

Chet:
Look, can you help a friend out?

Carl:
I could help you, but then you'd come to depend on that help, like a welfare queen.

Chet:
God dang it.

Wayne:
Hey, uh, boss, check it out. It has dual quad carbs

like an original muscle car, but I designed it to sit on a chassis of our existing midsize, so you'd only have to make a few tweaks on the assembly line to-

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You think maybe later i could have my picture taken with the French kid?"

Wayne:
Sure, but maybe then can you look at the-

"I'll definitely think about it, Wayne. Can we Photoshop Claude in with the CEO, do you think?"

Wayne:
I guess

"Yeah, great, great. I got to pee.'

Mayor:
Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mayor Stan McEwen. I'm not sure what we're in store for today,

but I know it will be special. It is my honor to present the chairwoman of my reelection campaign, Mrs. Ginny Wilson.

Ginny:
Hello, everyone. I know you're waiting for the main event, so I'll just read from these prepared remarks

written by our special guest. "Good afternoon, my cherished new American fiends."

Achmed:
Friends! Friends!

Ginny:
Sorry. Wha-it-it says "fiends" here.

Achmed:
That is a typo and not a Freudian slip

reflecting something i used to believe with every fiber of my being. Go on.

Ginny:
"I hope you will appreciate the wonderful surprise I hate for you."

Achmed:
Have.

Ginny:
"And I hope it will kill you."

Achmed:
Thrill. More typos. Stupid AutoCorrect. Am I right? Maybe we should skip.

Ginny:
Right, right. Well, clearly I'm not very good at this,

so let me hand over the program to the reason we're all here today, Americaville's new favorite son, your friend and mine, Claude!

Achmed:
Thank you! You are too kind. Okay. If I could have- Thank you. Really, this is too much. Thank you.

If- Silence! I've had some time to reflect on what you wonderful people in this wonderful town in this wonderful country mean to me. And today I, Claude,

from France, want to pay you back for the hospitality

you have shown me, to thank not just the Wilson family.

Give them a hand. There they are. Very nice. Cassidy, please, don't get hooked on me. Choose one of the many

idiot boys in this town. And, Kevin, I like you. I really do.

Put down that stupid dummy. You will never get girls

as long as you have that thing. Anyway, I am so grateful

to all of you that I have decided to present you with a gift, much as you Americans were given the Statue of Liberty by my country of France- France being the place

l am from and no place else. Here it is!

Chet:
Hey, that's just Big Rock Rock.

Achmed:
Yes. But thanks to my talents

in explosives, talents which I learned along with every other French school boy in France, the land of my birth,

I present to you... Mount America Foreverberg!

These are your four greatest American icons,

billionaire wig model... Donald Trump. Professional man-hater... Taylor Swift. Tiny ageless weirdo... Tom Cruise.

And famed drug lord... Lance Armstrong!

Chet:
I'm getting a hankering for the full-on salute.

Evelyn:
Oh. So you still do get those?

Carl:
Tom Cruise starred in one of my favorite films, Jerry Maguire. I got misty when Renee Zellweger dumped him.

"Thanks for the spoiler, jerk. I haven't watched it yet."

Achmed:
My American dream has come true. I believe I can safely say, with no fear of being ironically contradicted, that nothing, I mean nothing, can ruin this golden moment.

Hassan:
Hello, Achmed.

Achmed:
Holy crap.

Hassan:
United States Americans, my name is Hassan al-Hassan.

Chet:
Hey, that there's a terrorist.

Carl:
Nice going, Chet. Just because he has an Arabic name, he's automatically a terrorist.

Hassan:
I am a terrorist.

Carl:
Welcome to America.

Hassan:
This person is a traitor! Achmed's name isn't Claude. Achmed's name is Achmed.

Chet:
It is?

Hassan:
And he is a terrorist.

Ginny:
He is?

Hassan:
And he is a skeleton.

Crowd:
He is?

Billy:
A releton?

Achmed:
I am?

Wayne:
Yeah, but if his name is Achmed, then where's Claude?

Ginny:
Is what he said true?

Achmed:
No! Well... No, no, no, I'm no terrorist. I'm a nice guy. You know, the real me, production-number me.

Remember my song? Everything you know about me says I'm a great guy and a true American.

Kevin:
Everything except this! I found this in his room. All his plans to blow us up are in here... and some weird drawings of him riding a flying horse?

Achmed:
It was a superhero character i was working on-

Turban Cowboy. It's turban time. Well, now that I hear it

out loud... Come on, guys. This is America, where if you're white, you can get away with anything. And there's nobody whiter than me.

Ginny:
I know him. In my heart, it's not true.

"Crazy."

Mayor:
What about my reelection?

"I think he might be a terrorist."

Achmed:
Please, I beg you. Listen to me.

"Are any of us what we really appear to be?"

"Daddy, maybe he is a terrorist."

Achmed:
If you would only listen. Silence! I keel you! (Echos) Is what a real terrorist might say.

Ginny:
I guess we should call the police.

Chet:
Not necessary. I'm a deputy.

Carl:
You bought that at a toy store.

Chet:
I didn't buy this at no toy store. I won it at a church raffle. Say your prayers, bonehead.

"This is FBI agent Jack Bauer. Not the one from TV. It's my real name. It's fairly common. I get this all the time.

Calm down. You have 24 seconds to surrender, starting now." (Beeping)

Achmed:
Oh no, I'm too pretty for prison.

Chet:
Yes, you are.

Kevin:
Achmed, before you go, there's someone who wants to say something.

Little Jeff:
You're a "bad" man! And you should "be" ashamed.

Hassan:
That toy is possessed with a human spirit!

Achmed:
Foot bones, don't fail me now!

Evelyn:
Stop it, Chet. You're gonna hurt somebody.

Chet:
Freedom ain't free, Ev.

Achmed:
Not so fast! I've got a Mexican, and I'm not afraid to use it.

"I am not an "it." My name is Carlos."

Achmed:
This is not about you. Anybody makes a move,

and I blow him. (Silence) With the leaf blower! I can't believe you all went there. I am so disappointed. Ah, screw it. Good-bye, Americaville.

Hassan:
Hello, traitor.

Dave Chester:
It's day five of "America Made to Look Stupid." The little town of Americaville deals with the revelation that they've been harboring the known terrorist Achmed who lived among them in disguise.

Reaction to this story has come from across the political spectrum, with Democrats and Republicans finally finding common ground on something. Americaville, now known as Terrorist Town, USA, is the worst city in the entire United States.

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