Achmed Saves America Page #5

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Bill O Riley:
It's a town of pinheads, and the biggest pinheads of all are the family that harbored the terrorist.

And they're the subject of my new book, Killing the Wilsons.

"America is a country of laws and due process, but in the Wilsons' case, a drone strike is too good for them.

Maury:
Are we even sure that Mr. Wilson is the father of this terrorist?

Oprah:
Hmm?

Dave Chester:
Automaker U.S. Motors, where terrorist harborer Wayne Wilson once worked, announced today that, as a gesture of apology, they will close their Americaville plant, demolish it, burn the ruins, lock the ashes in a concrete vault, and bury the vault under Giants Stadium.

Wayne:
Would you mind if we turned that off?

"Sorry. We're under orders to make you watch it and keep TiVo-ing back to the beginning.

Bill O Riley:
And they're the subject of my new book,

Killing the Wilsons. (Repeats two more times)

"So that's your testimony. You had no idea this fella was

a terrorist or a skeleton?"

Wayne:
No, we just liked him.

"Okay, we're done here."

Ginny:
Thank you. Maybe we can go back to some version of our lives and-

"No, ma'am, you don't understand. I said we're done here."

Wayne:
This is not the America i grew up in.

"I advise you to be quiet. Anything you say may be used

against you at trial. (Whispers) Oh, there won't be a trial.

Uh, no worries, then. Here we go."

"My friends, today your new life begins, for just on the other side of this tunnel is America and your new Home... Depot parking lot."

Hassan:
Yes! Oh, we are finally out of that wretched place

and away from those horrible people. But you guys have fun. Knock yourselves out.

Achmed:
I can't believe the Wilsons just gave me up

after all we meant to each other. I broke bread with them. I put a bomb in their guest room.

Hassan:
How could you let yourself be brainwashed

by those infidels, after we spent so much time brainwashing you to hate them?

Achmed:
I guess I am just washable.

Hassan:
Soon this will all be over, and the decadent nation will only be a bitter memory. Two tickets for the Third World, please, first-class.

Achmed:
May the Wilsons rot in hell! I am glad i will never see them again. Wait. What's this?

"There we see the escaped terrorist's accomplices being led away to prison."

Chet:
Terrorist lovers, go home! Go back to another country!

Achmed:
They were not my accomplices. I was the mastermind of this fiasco.

Ginny:
If I could just say one thing... Claude, Achmed, wherever you are, if you can hear me.

Achmed:
I can!

Ginny:
We know you're really a nice boy, and we hope you're okay.

Walter:
*****! What?

"The Wilsons are put onto the prison bus and... goooooooooal!

Achmed:
I can't let the Wilsons become the first innocent people ever wrongly imprisoned in America. Hassan, you must take me back there to help them.

Hassan:
You are insane. I wouldn't pay more attention

to the shrieks of a rabid water buffalo.

Achmed:
Oh, yes, how is your wife? Ha Ha! Zing, boom!

American put-down humor.

Hassan:
For that, I should kill until you are dead. But she is fine. She's lost some weight. She's more cow than water buffalo. Anyway, come to your senses! Why do you want to go back to that devil-filled country?

Achmed:
All right, I will tell you. I want you to imagine a place where all are equal and all are welcome, no matter where you came from or who your father was or how much land you own. It's a place dedicated to the pursuit of happiness, where all the good things in life are spread before you. And it is your right to take as much as your heart desires. This place, my friend, is called HomeBound Buffet. And America is filled with them. Look.

Hassan:
These people, they all seem so happy.

Achmed:
That's what unlimited buffet does for a nation.

Hassan:
Unlimited? Surely there must be some limits.

Achmed:
Nope.

Hassan:
All right, they serve dinner, yes, but surely not desert.

Achmed:
Bottomless frozen-yogurt bar with all kinds of toppings- Oreo, Snickers, Cap'n Crunch.

Hassan:
Don't say Butterfingers. Don't say Butterfingers.

Achmed:
Butterfingers.

Hassan:
I must go there at once. Let me in! I must go to...

Route 75, America, at the West Town Country Mall

at once.

Achmed:
No! We have to save the Wilsons first.

Hassan:
Just a little fro-yo?

Achmed:
Okay. One standard serving of fro-yo, no more than two toppings.

Hassan:
Ole!

Achmed:
Let us in!

"Hey, you. Get away from there."

Achmed:
Holy crap. It's the po-po. That's the funny name

they have for police in America.

Hassan:
I love it.

"I said get out of here. No entry!"

Achmed:
But we have to save our friends. The FBI thinks

they are terrorists, but they're not. We are... is what a bad person would say in the scene from our new Broadway musical, Les Mis Arabs. Uh, got to go!

"Terrorists! After 'em!"

Hassan:
Achmed, I am so sorry. What do we do now?

Achmed:
We do what Americans do.

Hassan:
Eat?

Achmed:
No. What Americans do when they run out of options.

Hassan:
Throw a Hail Mary pass?

Achmed:
Close. They pray.

Hassan:
But we pray all the time, like, 38 times a day.

Achmed:
No, no, we have to pray like Americans.

Hassan:
How is that?

Achmed:
They ask for things like sports victories, no pregnancy, and celebrity side boob.

Hassan:
What do we pray for- side boob?

Achmed:
No. A miracle. Aah!

Hassan:
Side boob? Aah! Aah! It's American.

Achmed:
Yes, bald eagle, mighty American symbol, who is the second-place choice after a turkey, take us into America. It's turban time!

Dave Chester:
We have live team coverage of the bus convoy as it slowly makes its way down the main street

of Americaville and on to Guantanamo. Let's go now live

to our Madison Ashford, who's embedded with the terrorist family and their captors.

"Dave, I'm here with the terrorist sympathizers."

Ginny:
We simply gave him a home.

"Confessed terrorist sympathizers as they head to their well-earned imprisonment."

Ginny:
There's no place like home.

"Another barrage of eggs has hit the bus. That's why I'm in body armor.

Cassidy:
There's my Girl Scout leader, and my civics teacher.

Wanye:
Well, who threw all those?

Kevin:
Father O'Malley and Rabbi Weisman are holding a slingshot for Imam Abdullah.

Ginny:
Well, at least we helped bring some people together.

"Wilsons, if there's a hell, you're going to it."

"Hey, when this is over, you guys want to walk into a bar?

Hassan:
Oh! I am so full. I think America is going to mean death to me.

Achmed:
Funny. That could be the title of your memoir.

Hassan:
That's a little too on the nose for me. I will ask the Wilsons what they think about it.

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