Achmed Saves America Page #6

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Achmed:
The Wilsons! We've got to save them. Hassan, we must leave now, but stealthfully to avoid detection.

"How was your meal, gentlemen?"

Achmed:
Oh, it was perfect, so delicious. But we have to go now.

"We're bringing out a new trough of Butterfinger pieces."

Achmed:
How very fattening of you. Thanks.

Hassan:
Are they freshly crumbled?

"You bet ya."

Achmed:
Much as we'd like to gorge ourselves into an early grave, we really have to go... now!

(Arguing)

"Is something wrong?"

Achmed:
Oh no, it's all hunky-dory. What could be wrong? We've had our ridiculously huge dinner, burped and farted to our heart's content, and now we're leaving,

just like any other Americans- I look so young in that picture. Holy crap. Well, it looks like you've got us. Oh, look, they're putting out more pizza bread.

Crowd:
Ooh!

Achmed:
Go! Go, go, go, go! More sprinkles, please.

Oh, and some fresh bread.

Hassan:
Wow. This country throws out so many cars. It's fantastic!

Achmed:
I know, right? This is not good. The Wilsons need me, and I've let them down. The least I can do, in case we don't make it, is write a note that clears them. Can it be? Hassan, how are you at building things?

Hassan:
Not as good as blowing things up.

Achmed:
That's going to have to change. Grab that welding crap and come with me.

Hassan:
What are we building?

Achmed:
You'll see!

Cassidy:
These are hurting my wrists.

"Sorry, ma'am. I'm under orders. All right."

Cassidy:
You can do that?

"It's highly classified."

Cassidy:
So are you.

"I'm not sure you know what that word means, but thank you."

Carl:
Ooh, Chris Matthews is going to get moist over this.

Chet:
Honey, ain't this the best anniversary present,

seeing our neighbors go to prison?

Evelyn:
Jewelry's nice.

Chet:
Hey, what song should I play now? How about America, F Yeah, from that Team America movie?

Evelyn:
That song is ironic, Chet.

Chet:
It ain't ironic if you don't get the joke.

Carl:
Ow! That better be cage-free.

Chet:
Bite my justice, you arugula-eating left turd!

Ginny:
Now, I know things look bad, but we can't just give up. We have to maintain hope that something or someone can save us.

Wanye:
That's right, kids. We have to hope for something better because that's what we do. I don't know who will help us. It could be a stranger. It could be someone who hasn't been born yet. It could be- Flaming skull!

Kevin:
Is that a superhero?

Wayne:
No, it's a flaming skull! Look.

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels!

Ginny:
It's Claude.

Achmed:
My name is Achmed!

Claude:
(French Speaking) Idiots.

Achmed:
Girl car! Wiener substitute!

Chet:
Ah, hell, no.

Carl:
Leave him alone, Chet! You're what's wrong with America!

Chet:
No! You're what's wrong with America! Americaw!

Achmed:
Gentlemen, you are both correct!

Hassan:
Oh. Sorry.

Achmed:
No worries. We've got Obamacare. Hello, Wilsons! I love you! Even you, you little backstabber!

Kevin:
Thanks, Achmed.

Liitle Jeff:
I still say he's a bad man!

Achmed:
Someone has been practicing!

Kevin:
Thanks!

"Great Hoover's pantyhose. What the hell?"

Achmed:
I am turning myself in.

"He's turning himself into a bomb."

Ginny:
I think he said, "Turning myself in."

"When did you graduate from Quantico? Prepare to fire."

Hassan:
How is it going?

Achmed:
Been better, been worse.

Wayne:
Don't shoot! Please, hear him out.

Achmed:
Ladies and gentlemen and big dangerous guns, I came back to tell you that these wonderful people, the Wilsons, do not deserve to be taken to prison. I do.

"Wait, wait, wait. Why did we all just gasp? We know he should go to prison."

"I don't know. I feel kind of stupid about that now."

Achmed:
It's true that I came here with the intent

of doing you harm, but that is all over. And the Wilsons had nothing to do with it because they are decent, kind people, like Americans everywhere.

"Let me know when you got the shot."

"Roger that."

Achmed:
The Wilsons' only crime was seeing the best in me, and my only crime was not seeing the best in them...

and plotting to blow up the whole town, yada, yada.

Wayne:
If I may say a word or two.

"Of course, sir. Where's my kill shot, people?"

"I don't see him. Oh, wait. That's better. We're clear. Subject is in the target zone."

"On my command, in three..."

Wayne:
I'd like to say a few words

about this remarkable young man.

Achmed:
Hey, whoever is playing with that laser pen out there should really stop. You could detach a retina.

Cassidy:
They're going to shoot him.

"Two, one, f-"

"Sniper team, stand down!"

"What- Who is that?"

"I said stand down! That is a direct order! This is General Charles McCarthy of the United States Joint Command,

and I order you to stand down now! That's better."

Cassidy:
It's a miracle.

Kevin:
Kind of.

"Now toss your weapons in that drainage ditch. And let Mr. Wilson speak."

Wayne:
Thank you, General McCarthy. And thank you, son.

Chet:
Why ain't they shooting him? He's right there.

Evelyn:
He's surrendering peacefully.

Chet:
Not in my America.

Evelyn:
Now, dear, this ain't right.

Chet:
Why can't you be more supportive of my hobbies?

Achmed:
That is not good. I can see my cave from here.

Chet:
Au revoir, you towel-headed French fry.

Evelyn:
Now, Chet!

Chet:
Don't "now, Chet" me. He got what he deserved.

You do good things, and you'll be rewarded. You do bad things, and it's hasta la bye-bye.

Achmed:
Hiya, Chet.

Chet:
Save me, Sean Hannity!

Carl:
No! My fuel-efficient hybrid!

Chet:
My lower torso.

Achmed:
Anyway, you were saying.

"How can you still be alive?"

Ginny:
I think I know. Because the American dream

burns within him.

Achmed:
Actually, that's a piece of shrapnel.

But I feel you.

Ginny:
This amazing young man, this skeleton,

Yes, I admit now he is just a talking skeleton. No offense.

Achmed:
Please. We're past that.

Ginny:
He stays alive because he believes in the America we all believe in, a place where you can make a fresh start no matter where you came from, where you can arrive in this country without a dollar in your pocket,

change your name, and make a new life. It happened to someone you might have heard of, someone named Miss Shania Twain.

"She's not American?"

"Canadian."

"No."

"Who's Shania Twain?'

Both:
I love Shania Twain. You do?

Ginny:
So, to quote one of Shania Twain's biggest hits-

"Man! I Feel Like a Woman!?"

Ginny:
No. Let's find a new spirit of cooperation and forgiveness.

"That Don't Impress Me Much?"

Ginny:
Not that one either. I'm getting there. Let's put

our hearts together and-

"Well, those were two of her biggest hits according to Billboard's country-western charts-"

Achmed:
Silence! You were saying?

Ginny:
Let's make a new Americaville and a new America

from this moment on!

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