Addams Family Values Page #3

something

I must tell you.

I'm a virgin.

You are?

Yes.

What's that?

It--it's someone

who's never experienced

physical love.

Oh.

You mean,

with another person.

Then, Debbie,

I have a confession

to make, as well.

I'm one, too.

You? You?

Yes.

But with your looks,

your charm,

women must

follow you everywhere.

Store detectives.

Oh, fester,

I always dreamed

of meeting

someone untouched,

someone pure,

someone...

Just like you.

You'll meet him.

And--and I dreamed

that when I met him,

that we would wait

until our wedding night

to give ourselves

to one another,

to make

the ultimate sacrifice.

A goat?

Until now I thought

it was impossible,

but, fester Addams,

I love you.

You do?

Please, I have to know

how you feel about me.

I love you.

I worship you.

I'd do anything for you.

I'd pay.

Fester!

Debbie!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Look at him.

So peaceful.

[Snoring]

This evening

as I watched fester and Debbie,

I kept

my fingers crossed.

I hoped...

I prayed.

Let them

fall in love.

Let them know happiness.

Let them adopt.

Gomez, morticia,

great news--

something impossible,

a miracle.

- The rash...

- It's gone.

I'm engaged.

That ring...

It was our mother's.

She was buried with it.

[Thunder]

Mail call.

Addams.

Barkley,

castleman, Calloway,

Dexter, donman,

Edwards, Evans,

Finley, fisher,

framingham...

Oh, no.

What is it?

This is unspeakable.

Is something wrong?

Bad news?

It's the worst thing ever

in the history of human events.

Uncle fester

is getting married.

A wedding?

But that's

great news.

To whom?

The nanny.

Get out of the cabin.

I'd kill myself.

The help?

I'm sure

she's a very nice lady.

I think

that's disgusting.

Their whole family's

like some weird

medical experiment.

I think they're

like circus people.

What did you say?

Tempers.

Group hug.

Wednesday.

Pugsley.

Will a hug hurt us?

We don't hug.

Oh, they're

just shy.

We're not shy.

We're contagious.

I'm sensing

some friction here,

something

not quite chippewa.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, no problem-o.

All they need are

good friends, good fun,

and a little time

in the harmony hut.

How long do we have

to stay in here?

Until we crack.

[Door opens]

Have fun.

What are you in for?

I wouldn't go

horseback riding.

That's all?

And I wouldn't

make a bird house.

Why not?

I just wanted to read.

Not on my time,

four-eyes.

[Laughing]

Aah!

Aah aah aah!

Hurry up.

I'm coming.

Wait.

Be careful.

Tetanus.

[Siren]

There they are!

I saw them

sneak out.

What do you think

you're doing?

We have to see

our family.

It's important.

More important

than summer fun?

More important

than making new friends?

More important

than sharing?

Joel glicker,

I'm surprised at you.

I have to

get out of here.

I have allergies.

Oh, you're allergic?

To sunshine,

archery, and crafts?

Yes.

I think

they should be punished.

Punished! Punished!

Punished! Punished!

Punished! Punished!

No! We are not here

to punish.

We are here to inspire.

Know what our little

ninja friends need?

Know what might turn

their sad, wasted lives around?

What?

[Guitar strums]

~ Kumbaya, my lord ~

~ Kumbaya ~

~ Kumbaya, my lord ~

~ Kumbaya ~

[wolf howls]

~ Kumbaya, my lord ~

~ Kumbaya ~

~ oh, lord, Kumbaya ~~.

Now, Debbie,

have you met everyone?

Morticia.

Margaret.

[Kiss kiss]

Margaret, this is

our bride-to-be.

Welcome

to our family.

I can't tell you

what it's meant

joining

the Addams clan.

Have you met my husband

cousin ltt?

Cousin ltt?

We've been so happy,

and, just as little

pubert arrived,

we were blessed with

our own little bundle of joy.

[Cooing]

What?

Oh, I didn't say anything.

That's the baby's

nickname-- what?

From

the obstetrician.

Isn't he precious?

We've had offers.

~ for he's

a jolly good fellow ~

~ which nobody

can deny ~~.

You guys are the best

bunch of friends

a fella could hope for.

What a party!

And now for

the piece de resistance.

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

That poor girl.

Lurch, was she in there

before you baked?

[Groan]

So, so, so.

C'est la vie.

[Laughter]

Ha ha ha ha!

Are you really allergic?

Uh-huh.

To almost

everything.

No, you're not.

Am, too.

I can't have

dairy products

or wear wool

or drink

fluoridated water.

You know

what happens

if my mom uses

a fabric softener?

What?

I die.

Where are you?

Over here.

Where?

By the skeleton.

I got your message

inside my cutlet.

I need to ask you

something.

What?

Do you believe

in the existence of evil?

Well, did you meet

my mom?

My Uncle fester's

about to get married

to this woman

in a white uniform.

A radiologist.

A nanny.

I have to go

to the wedding.

I have a pass.

Want to come?

You mean like...

On a date?

No.

I'd love to.

[Plays "sunrise, sunset']

[Plays "wedding march']

[Speaking gibberish]

I,

fester Addams,

do hereby declare

my unending love.

I will worship you forever.

I will devote...

My every waking moment

to your happiness alone.

[Sobbing]

Oh.

Henceforth,

I am your eternal

and helpless slave.

Nice.

Ditto.

[Cheering]

You're going to have a

wonderful life together.

Yes, I am.

Come, darling,

let's see who's

the next happy bride.

Here, Debbie!

- To me!

- Me!

Oh, I have it!

- No! I have it!

- It's mine!

Now you have

to get married.

It's not binding.

Tramp.

- Bye!

- Congratulations!

- Congratulations!

- Bon voyage!

The key ingredient

to a successful

Hawaiian honeymoon

is romantic music.

[Romantic music plays]

I ordered this cassette

from time-life.

5,000 of the world's

most romantic melodies.

It's superb.

What do you

call this?

Number 438.

So...

Do you like

romantic living?

I do, so far.

I love romantic living.

Oh, fester, how much

do you love me?

With all my soul.

Would you do

anything for me?

Anything.

Would you die for me?

Yes.

Promise?

Aah!

Aah aah!

Aah aah aah aah!

Pumpkin?

Muffin.

[Tvplays]

Darling, I know

you're nervous.

So am I.

I'm not nervous.

I'm upset.

Because of the bathtub?

Th-th--

that was an accident.

I know.

I'm fine.

I know.

Don't give it

another thought.

Don't be frightened.

This is as new to me

as it is to you.

Have you really

never had sex?

Never.

Then how do you know we're

not having it right now?

We'll be just like

Gomez and morticia.

Pretend we're

at home in my room--

granny down the hallway,

lurch by the door.

Oh, my God.

Please, what is it?

What do you need?

Only you, my dearest.

Really?

Fester, I'm ready.

- Just one thing...

- Gomez told me. No giggling.

- And?

- No hand puppets.

- And...

- What?

After we've made love,

you can never see

your family again.

What?

Otherwise, I could never

really enjoy myself.

I could never

give myself completely.

Unless I never see

my family again?

Yes. If I picture them

in our lives,

I could never achieve...

You know.

Never?

Don't you love me?

Of course.

Don't you want me?

Yes.

Never.

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