Addams Family Values Page #4

Stud.

Whoa!

Uh...

Ahh...

It's so odd we haven't heard

from fester and Debbie.

It's been almost a week.

Hasn't it, little fellow?

Look at him.

Too much fun

at that reception.

Hair of the pup.

Excellent, Amanda!

Thank you.

Next!

[Wednesday]

"Dear Wednesday and pugsley,

"I love you dearly,

but I can never

see you again."

Glicker, go!

[Becky]

Good try!

"When you are grown-up

and very lonely,

"you'll understand.

Love, Uncle fester."

He's a dead man.

Go!

[Bird squawks]

It's an American

bald eagle!

But aren't

they extinct?

They are now.

Mrs. Addams?

Yes?

Your hearse.

Where's the body?

Right there.

But he's alive.

Tell me about it!

Fester, we may be

together for a while...

All our lives,

Cara Mia.

What?

Mon Cher.

- Speak English.

- Pumpkin?

If I have to be seen with you,

we need to make some changes.

Changes?

Be careful!

It's a credenza!

These are

beautiful things.

They're

from catalogues.

Fester,

get over here!

It itches.

Don't touch it,

not until the scab falls off.

Pumpkin, do you think

these clothes are really me?

Of course not.

That's the point.

- Where do you want this?

- The second floor boudoir.

I'm her husband.

Fester!

Give me a kiss.

Give me a 20.

Watch it!

That's a queen Anne

chandelier!

"Hawaii is wonderful.

"I wish you were here,

"and I can never

see you again!

P.S., Debbie says hi."

I don't understand.

For weeks not a word, and now this.

Darling, come to bed.

He can't be serious.

Have I done something,

said something?

Why does my brother

despise me?

He adores you.

I'd do anything for him.

At his request,

I would rip out my eyes.

At his command,

I would crawl on my belly

through hot coals

and broken glass.

Why wait?

Has fester gone mad?

This is all just

some sort of phase.

Post-honeymoon malaise.

It's very common.

Do you remember

our honeymoon?

That glorious cruise.

No quarrels.

No cares.

No survivors.

Cara Mia.

So...

You still desire me

after all these years?

The old ball and chain?

Forever.

I'll get them.

Heads up, campers.

Thejamboree's only two weeks away.

And you know what that means--

clean cabins.

Creating with Clay and...

Canoes, canoes, canoes!

So we better

get cracking, huh?

Look at this.

I've got them.

Schizos and serial killers.

I have almost

the whole series.

I'm only missing Jack the ripper

and that zodiac guy.

But look.

"The black widow."

It might be Debbie.

At least three rich husbands...

All dead.

I'll trade you.

For what?

Amy fischer.

Each year,

we conclude our summer

with a very special

presentation.

Book, music,

and lyrics by...

Gary Granger!

And this year,

the old bean has come up

with something pretty exciting--

my own personal salute

to the first Thanksgiving.

Now, we have thought

long and hard

about choosing

just the right little actress

for the leading role

of Sarah Miller,

our beautiful

and kindly pilgrim lady,

and we have selected...

Amanda buckman!

And in the roles

of her pilgrim pals--

lily, Jennifer,

Tiffany, missy,

Michelle, and Melissa!

But, of course,

not everyone can be a star.

Let's not forget

our cheery little chippewas.

Mordecai, Yang,

Esther...

Um...

Consuela, lrwin...

And, um...

I'm still not sure just

how to pronounce this.

Jam-il? Jame-il?

[Gary]

Jamal.

Whatever.

And as their leader

in the secondary

but still compellingly

written role of pocahontas,

guess who we have in mind.

Our own little

brunette outcast--

Wednesday Addams.

[Chimes play wedding march]

We want to see

Debbie and fester.

Miss Debbie!

[Debbie]

Debra!

Gomez...

Where are we?

It looks familiar.

Of course--

the gates of hell.

Welcome to my home.

Might we see my brother?

No. He doesn't want to see

any of you or that.

Why not?

Because he's in love.

He's wrapped in a gossamer

blanket of ecstasy,

and he hates your guts.

But why?

Because you've

flaunted yourselves,

your great love affair.

You kept him a child.

I've made him a man.

Let me hear this

from his own lips.

His lips are busy.

You want to talk

to these people?

Debbie.

Oh.

Go away!

That is not my brother.

Sorry.

You have

enslaved him.

You have

placed fester

under some strange

sexual spell.

I respect that.

But, please, may we see him?

Don't even

think about it.

You have gone

too far.

You have

married fester.

You have destroyed

his spirit.

You have taken him

from us.

All that

I could forgive.

But, Debbie...

What?

Pastels?

Get out of my house!

Hit the road!

And if you ever

show your faces around here again,

I'll have you locked up

for trying to visit.

Right, fessie?

Right!

Luxor, nexor,

burst, and burn!

What is she doing?

Just a curse.

Have a nice day.

I demand justice!

Someone has married

my brother.

No.

She took him to Hawaii.

They have moved into

a large, expensive home

where they make love

constantly.

I hate

when that happens.

Arrest her at once

without delay.

- Who?

- Debbie.

My brother's wife,

the temptress of waikiki.

Who are you?

What are you?

Who moved the rock?

Officer,

you must issue a subpoena.

I believe they own...

Gomez, no!

A buick!

Just leave.

Leave quietly. Leave now.

Don't make me call

ringling brothers.

Has the planet gone mad?

My brother... passion's hostage.

I seek justice.

Denied.

I shall not submit.

I shall conquer. I shall rise.

My name is Gomez Addams,

and I have seen evil!

I have seen horror!

I have seen

the unholy maggots

which feast in the dark recesses

of the human soul!

They're at camp.

I have seen all this,

officer.

But until today,

I had never seen...

You!

Hook him, book him,

cook him. Now!

Next in line.

Yes, I'd like to renew

my passport, please.

I'll be leaving the country

very shortly.

Traveling alone?

Yes. I'll be a widow.

~ happy, happy Turkey day ~

~ hunger pains will go away ~

~ when you hear

the pilgrims say ~

~ it's happy Turkey day ~

~ happy, happy Turkey day ~

~ let's all eat

the Indian way ~

~ as bastille

and Cape COD day ~

~ on happy Turkey day ~~.

Look at you.

Oh, Amanda, you look perfect!

You're just the prettiest pilgrim

I've ever seen!

Gar, come and take

a look at this.

Here they are!

They were

by the phone.

We were calling the FBI.

Their Uncle's in trouble.

You're late for your fittings.

I don't want to be

in the pageant.

You won't help me

realize my vision?

Your work is puerile

and under-dramatized.

You lack any sense

of structure, character,

or the aristotelian unities.

Young lady,

I am getting just a tad tired

of your attitude problem.

Everyone, campers!

I have a wonderful idea.

Wednesday and pugsley

and young Mr. glicker here,

well, they have just

never quite latched on

to the chippewa spirit,

nor have some of their

little comrades.

Isn't that sad?

- Yes!

- Yes!

Don't we just

hate that?

- Yes!

- Yes!

Don't we wish

they'd just die?

- Yes!

- Yes!

We don't.

But you know what

we'll do with them?

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