Addams Family Values Page #5

We're going to make

an example.

We are going to show

that anyone,

no matter how odd

or pale or chubby,

can still have

a darn good time.

Whether they

like it or not.

What are you going to do?

Yes, indeedy,

just the ticket.

Bambi.

Lassie come home.

The little mermaid.

Stop it.

He's only a child.

Don't worry.

We're getting out of here.

But...

It's Disney.

Yes.

~ the hillsare alive ~

~ with the sound of music ~

~ with songs they have sung ~

~ for a thousand years... ~~

~ and they knew that it was

much more than a hunch ~

~ that this group must

somehow form a family ~

~ that's the way we all

became the bradybunch... ~~

~ you're always a day ~

~ a-way ~~.

Well...

Good evening.

Is there anything

you'd like to say to everyone?

Yes.

And just what

might that be?

I'm not perky.

That's for damn sure.

But I want to be.

You do?

I want to smile

and sing and dance

and be pocahontas

in Gary's vision.

Oh, darling,

do you really mean it?

- [Gasps]

- [Gasps]

Isn't she pretty?

She's scaring me!

Oh, gar.

Yeah.

Aah!

Stay back!

He's very sick.

My baby!

Lumbar, dison...

Pox and thither,

curad, brattle,

bone and brine!

[Laughing]

Bone and brine!

[Coos]

Well, he's stubborn.

It works on cats.

- What are we going to do?

- Is it hopeless?

Here it is.

"Chapter 18.

Infant possessions."

He's possessed?

"Warning signs--

"severe alterations

in appearance and personality.

Such alterations

can become permanent."

Permanent?

Those golden curls?

Those rosy cheeks?

That smile?

"These terrifying changes

"are most often the result

of a troubled family life.

Separations--"

you mean...

Fester!

Bingo! This kid knows

that something is not

right around here.

Unless fester comes back,

we're talking dimples.

Not in this house.

He could stay this way

for years. Forever.

He could become...

A lawyer...

I won't listen!

An orthodontist...

Mama, stop!

President.

[Pubert laughs]

Please! I beg you!

Take me!

Each summer we take

this occasion

to celebrate a seminal event

in American history.

This year, we depict

perhaps the most important day

in our shared past--

the first Thanksgiving!

A day for maize,

the native American

word for corn,

a terrific Turkey dinner,

and brotherhood!

So, white meat

and dark meat,

take it away!

[Piano plays]

~ eat us, hey,

it's Thanksgiving day ~

~ eat us,

we make a nice buffet ~

~ we lost the race

with farmer ed ~

~ eat us 'cause

we're good and dead ~

~ white man or red man ~

~ from east, north,

or South ~

~ chop off our legs ~

~ and put 'em

in your mouth ~

~ eat me ~

~ sauteed or barbecued ~

~ eat me ~

~ we once were pets,

but now we're food ~

~ we won't stay fresh

for very long ~

~ so eat us before

we finish this song ~

~ eat us before

we finish this song ~~

[sobbing]

Thank you.

It was a senseless tragedy.

Ha ha!

[Ticking]

Angel, I'm going out

for just a minute.

I forgot the champagne.

Our three-week anniversary!

I'll go.

No, no.

You're working hard enough.

I'll just put your present

on the table.

Don't peek!

Oh, please, please!

What is it?

Is it string?

You never know.

Uh...

Is it a dog toy?

Just you wait.

It's a bomb.

What?

I know.

Wait for my birthday.

Fester...

Let me look at you.

I want to remember you

just this way.

What do you mean?

Rich. Will you miss me?

But you'll be right back,

won't you?

Of course.

Whoo!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

I am so glad we invited

the chippewas

to join us

for this holiday meal.

Remember, these savages

are our guests.

We must not be surprised

at any of their

strange customs.

After all, they have not

had our advantages,

such as fine schools,

libraries full of books,

shampoo.

[Audience chuckles]

How. I am pocahontas,

a chippewa maiden.

An Indian.

Enough said.

And I am running bear,

betrothed to pocahontas.

In the play.

20 grand for summer camp,

he's Mr. woo-woo.

We have brought a special gift

for this holiday feast.

I am a Turkey. Kill me.

What a thoughtful gift!

Why, you are

as civilized as we,

except we wear shoes

and have last names.

Welcome to our table,

our new primitive friends.

Thank you,

Sarah Miller.

You're the most beautiful person

I've ever seen.

Your hair is the color

of the sun,

your skin is like fresh milk,

and everyone loves you.

Stop! Sit.

Wait.

What?

We cannot break

bread with you.

Huh? Becky,

what's going on?

[Becky]

Wednesday!

You have taken the land

which is

rightfully ours.

Years from now,

my people will be forced

to live in mobile homes

on reservations.

Your people

will wear cardigans

and drink highballs.

We will sell our bracelets

by the roadsides.

You will play golf

and enjoy

hot hors d'oeuvres.

My people will have pain

and degradation.

Your people

will have stick shifts.

The gods of my tribe

have spoken.

They have said,

"do not trust the pilgrims,

especially Sarah Miller."

Gary, she's changing the words.

And for all these reasons,

I have decided to scalp you

and burn your village

to the ground.

[Yelling Indian war cry]

Aah!

Children! Campers!

Stop!

You're destroying my text!

Aah! Aah!

He's not a team player.

He needs friends.

He needs friends like this?

- Aah!

- Oh!

- [Gasps]

- [Gasps]

Aah!

Uh, I beg your pardon.

Do something!

[Muffled screams]

[Muffled screams]

[Muffled screams]

~ macho, macho man ~

~ feel my muscles ~

~ I've got to be a macho man ~

~ mucho, mucho, macho, macho ~

~ I got to be a macho ~

~ hey, hey, hey, hey ~.

Hey! Wait!

What time is it, Jorge?

Ah, 6:
25.

Oops. Got to go.

- No!

- Wait!

Wait here.

It's my anniversary.

I'll be right back.

Your husband

is a very lucky man.

Don't say that!

~ hey, hey, hey ~

~ hey, macho, macho man ~

~ I got to be a macho man ~~

[ticking]

Cheers.

Oh, no, no.

But, officer...

My husband

was in that house.

[Laughing]

Happy anniversary, Debbie.

Help. Help.

Sweetheart!

Did you get the champagne?

Freeze!

Pookie?

I tried to make it

look like an accident.

I tried to give you some dignity,

but, oh, no, not you.

What are you saying?

I want you dead,

and I want your money.

But--but...

Don't you love me?

Is that a no?

Oh, do I love you.

Look at yourself!

You're a nightmare.

You're the missing link.

You shouldn't be married.

You should be studied.

You're a big,

dumb, weird thing.

No woman in her right mind

could love you.

Yeow!

Thing!

I'll get you!

And your little hand, too!

Aah!

Come on.

No. I have to go back.

For the others.

You're very brave.

And to watch the place burn.

You go.

Save your Uncle.

I may never

see you again.

I know.

There are forces

tearing us apart--

Gary, Debbie,

seventh grade.

I'll never forget you.

You won't?

You're too weird.

We'll always have today

and chippewa.

And this.

What is it?

Amanda's retainer.

Cara Mia.

Mon Cher.

[Honking]

Come on!

Move it!

Move out of the way!

"We looked,

"then we saw him

step in on the mat.

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