Addicted to Fresno Page #8

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you know?

Wow, you took a bath.

Yeah.

And now I'm doing this other

thing I really wanted to do,

talking to a girl

who I think is pretty cool.

I really liked you.

I still like you.

Okay.

But if your sister

and your ex are,

like, totally out of the

picture for real then

what are you possibly going

to use as an excuse

not to go out with me tonight?

Tonight.

Nothing.

Newsflash... I'm available.

- Really?

- Big time.

Yo, yo, yo! Guru!

Do you remember me?

I think you have

the wrong person.

No, no. You don't remember me?

My parents had a house that

smelled like dirty diapers?

Does that ring a bell?

- No.

- You remember this pretty face?

Yeah, hi!

You got anymore awesome words

of wisdom for me?

Oh, I don't.

I'm kind of out of

the guru business.

What?

I'm working

at foster farms now.

Oh well that's good for foster

farms but bad for gurus.

You were so good at that!

I got to tell you

my whole life changed

because of the stuff

you told me.

Really, how?

I sold the van.

I'm pawned Boris' bronze medal.

I sold my parents' house

for a shitload of money.

I figured they'd be

better off rotting

in the nursing home, you know.

Got a real good price

on a nursing home,

one of the cheapest ones.

And that was really all because

of you, I have to be honest.

And I'm getting a chin implant.

I never said any of that stuff.

Listen, guru, I felt your

vibe and I ran with it.

If you ever see Boris

you tell him

we're better off

without each other, okay?

Siblings can really sink

each other, you know?

Tell him I said that, okay?

Take care of yourself! Namaste!

911, what's your emergency?

It's not really an emergency.

I killed a guy, so someone

should probably come and get me.

Please hold.

Now, I'll connect you

to the Fresno police.

Please state your

present location,

paramedics have

been dispatched.

No, you don't have

to send the paramedics.

It was a little while ago.

It was an accident,

I'm sure everyone says that, but

it, like really was an accident.

Well, do you think

that maybe someone could

just come here and get me

because I don't have a car?

That's a really far walk.

So anyway, shan, I'm

glad you're getting my letters.

I miss you but I'm kind of glad

you're in jail.

And I mean

that in the nicest way.

You better look

like Linda Hamilton in "t2"

when you get out.

Baby got back!

Like actual back,

it was awesome!

I'll see you next month and try

and stay out of trouble.

Hugs.

Martha.

P.S., I hate you

which in case you forgot

means I love you like a sister.

I did learn this this from

"hot knockers 4."

Oh, baby.

Shan! Stop, your my sister.

Hold still, baby.

Thank you. You are...

you have a treasure trove.

You're like the Maya

angelou of dick sucking,

and I mean that.

It was just a big urine cake.

It's true. I got it! I got it!

I was just...

I was just a big urinal cake.

The entire community...

I'm sorry.

Everyone's excited but

I don't know what's happening.

Like, like, like!

What are we...

what are we jacking?

Maybe it's me,

maybe it's Jerry Garcia,

maybe it's cousin it.

Nobody knows.

Hello, I'm here for your

bar Mitzvah, shalom!

Come at you and I'll f*** you so

hard you'll come out your butt.

Are we looking into the lens?

No, I can't look away. I can't look away.

I can't look away.

You want us to come

on the cart?

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