Addicted to Fresno Page #7

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the best blowj*b of your life.

Okay, but hold on,

can we use this?

Doesn't surprise me

Phil took the cash.

He was in buchenwald.

Because you can't get freaky

when there's a holocaust.

It was a good run!

"Sucky, sucky my big fat cock!"

Sorry, honey.

So, what do you normally do?

I just close my eyes and then...

looks like you're eating

a corn cob.

That's not going

to feel good to anyone.

- Okay.

- Okay.

All right so what kind of porn

do you guys watch together?

No porn, none.

Watch a porn once

in a while by yourself

and watch how the chicks do it.

Aren't most

of those women slaves?

No, they're fine.

Oh, I thought I saw a "dateline"

about that they were slaves.

No.

No, they put them in a box

and ship them over...

no, that's... no those

are the manicurists.

Okay.

No, those aren't

the porn stars.

- They're not slaves.

- Okay.

- Okay, so what you want to do...

- Yeah.

Is you want to pretend,

like, what's your favorite

food in the world?

Yoplait yogurt,

cheese cake flavor.

Okay. So I want you to

pretend like this is filled

with cheese cake flavored

yoplait yogurt.

Okay.

And if you suck it

hard enough...

yeah.

You're going to get it all out.

- Okay!

- Okay?

So now in order to get out the

yogurt you have to squeeze it.

Okay.

And you want to put

your mouth on the tip.

Okay.

Now you're going to bring your

hands up to meet your mouth.

- As your mouth goes down...

- Okay.

Your hand goes up.

And it's like that and

it's... so they're going to...

- mouth beneath the hand.

- Yes!

- Mouth beneath the hand.

- Yes!

Mouth beneath the hand.

- Yeah! You're going to get...

- Mouth...

now right before you're going

to get your hand up to the top,

hold it really tight,

spit in your palm,

rub it around the top,

point it away,

shoots out into

the stars, okay?

- Okay.

- All right.

You got this.

Now go, go, go, go!

Got some technique!

- Yeah, that's it.

- Thank you!

Okay.

What do you mean

it's only 12,000?

Come on, come on.

It's a lot of money,

it's like...

that's like six digits.

I said I wanted 25,000.

Well you can get a house in

Detroit for, like, $800.

I didn't want a house!

I wanted a building.

Come on, Ruby, please?

But it's cash.

I mean it's all right here.

It's a good start, get

everything rolling, you know?

It's a great start.

I'll sell the thunderbird.

- You'll sell the thunderbird?

- I promise! I don't need it.

Super cool.

Okay.

We'll turn the oven on.

It was really sweet

of you to come.

Of course!

You could've just told me

you're being blackmailed

for killing some guy's dog.

I feel bad about it.

I still do.

This is my last dog!

Suck my dick, Fresno!

What's up with that chick?

Oh, she's moving to Detroit.

Okay. Um...

Let's all bow our heads and

have a moment of silence.

Boris, oh precious Boris.

He was a champion

but he was also a dirty dog.

Oh, God, please watch over him

and take him to a better place.

Everyone deserves their dignity.

We've all done things

we're not proud of.

The last time

I was at a cemetery

was for my father's funeral.

It was not an easy time

for any of us

but especially not for my sister

Shannon because she didn't show.

I know she wanted to be there

but she couldn't because

she didn't feel good.

I don't blame her.

It's just...

sometimes it's hard for me

to do everything on my own,

so I guess

I'm just really grateful

that we made it

through this time together.

Yeah.

Hi, Martha.

Martha! Martha!

We slept together before

so there's like

a grandfather clause situation,

they still build these.

Isn't that crazy?

Little sheds?

Martha! Martha, stop running!

Martha, come on!

Wait, I'm sorry!

Sorry, you're not sorry, shan!

It's not my fault!

It's my disease!

I can't help it!

Of course, right. You never

mean to do anything.

You know you're just like dad.

Just blame everyone else.

It's never you, right?

Well, I am so tired of trying

to help you.

Martha!

You can't leave me here!

Don't come back to my place!

I'm done!

It's hard letting go, isn't it?

If only pop tart

could've spoken up

and told me

what was bothering her.

But turtles can't let

you know what's going, can they?

Robots can't either.

Back so soon?

Staying for a while this time.

You hit the lotto?

This is left over from

bar Mitzvah money.

Good luck.

My mom died of cancer

then my dad died of alcohol,

and my little sister had

no one to help her.

And instead of helping her I

just blew off my dad's funeral.

And a few months ago I did

some really horrible sh*t

which is why I'm here, and

my sister bailed me out again.

And so did this... this guy

that I met who's really nice,

and I really liked him.

Instead of dealing

with my feelings

like a mature adult,

grown up person,

I f***ed a random dude.

I just don't want

to let anyone down anymore.

I don't want

to let myself down anymore

and I want this part

of my life...

this whole chunk to be over.

And that's why I'm here

because I need help.

I'm just f***ing tired

of f***ing.

F***!

Sorry, it wasn't my turn,

I'm sorry.

You know

who would've loved that?

Oprah.

I have paychecks!

This one is for Martha.

That's you?

And this is for Shannon,

your big sister.

She's going to have

to pick hers up. She quit.

And we're not talking anymore.

Why not?

Let's see.

She's a liar, she's selfish,

she's ungrateful, and she

can't get her life together.

It's actually really sad.

My sister sucks.

Why does she suck?

Were you not listening, Jerry?

I just told you the whole thing.

She's a pain in the ass!

Why?

Because she just does

whatever the hell she wants,

and she doesn't care

who she hurts along the way.

I mean, I did everything

I could for her.

I got her this job,

let her stay at my place,

and it's like she just didn't

even want any of it.

Well, if she didn't want help,

why did you help her?

I don't know.

Sounds like you need help.

Uh... I don't need any help.

You worry too much about

your sister and not yourself.

My life is pretty sweet.

It's not sweet.

You live all alone.

And you're a maid in Fresno.

You're a maid too, you know.

Yes, but I'm better

than a maid.

Executive maid!

And I have sexy girlfriend.

Yeah, can you just, like,

put them back right away.

'Cause they're always

getting tangled up.

Kelly, you don't have

to hide from me.

Hey, Alicia is working out

at Prestown Crossfit

so you should go sign up there.

I don't want to say "hi"

to Alicia

I want to say "hi" to you,

Kelly.

Hi.

I want to apologize to you,

okay?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't myself.

Yeah, just a lot of weird stuff

was going on in my life.

You say your sister

or your ex one more time

I will literally vomit,

right now.

Well, I won't.

Okay? Because neither of

them are in my life anymore.

I mean it's good!

Like for the first time

in my life

I'm doing stuff just

for myself.

Like, I got a pedicure

yesterday

and I took a bubble bath,

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