Addicted to Fresno Page #6

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Do I look pretty for

the bar Mitzvah party?

Hey, if tonight doesn't

go too late maybe you could

come over and, I don't know,

watch "naked and afraid"

with me or...

yeah, maybe.

We'll see how it goes.

Hey, ladies, it's dopey king.

Yeah, of course.

Got you something, sir.

Oh, thanks. That's sweet.

I'll put it in my money box

over there.

It's cash only.

Yeah, we heard.

Yeah. It's actually coupons

for free privates.

Privates? You hitting

on me boo?

I'm a man now,

so it's copasetic.

Don't worry about it.

All right, all right. Take it

easy, not in front of my date.

Don't talk to Kelly like that.

It's really rude, Noah.

Do you think you guys can make

out on my next music video?

Google Gloria steinem

and then ask us.

So how long will

these things last?

About as long as

a wedding reception, you know.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't really know

how long that is

because I've never been

to a wedding.

Really?

I went to one, but it doesn't

really count because we eloped.

You're married?

Yeah. What?

I can be married.

I totally got married.

And nine days later I cheated

on him and we got divorced.

Super romantic like I said,

like a fairytale actually.

I'd read it cover to cover.

I'm thinking of pitching it

as a children's book.

- Oh, you should.

- Or y.A.

That's probably

the better choice.

Yeah.

Y'all ready for this?

I'm 13 now.

Whoo!

I want to thank my dad,

I want to thank my mom,

and I want to thank my Bubby.

Okay, let's do this.

Come on boys. Cash money tour.

That's it, Noah.

Welcome to my Mitzvah!

That is enough.

That is enough. Hey.

- Quite enough!

- I was in the dance, Noah!

Thank you for coming.

Why doesn't everyone

get on the dance floor?

Let's dance

to some appropriate music.

You're shaming yourself.

I thought that was going

to be Bruno Mars. Get over here.

You know what,

now we gotta dance.

I don't dance.

I think we do.

It's a part of the deal.

- I don't dance.

- Come on.

I've never, never...

all right.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

You have a really cute ass.

It's distracting.

Stop. It's a bar Mitzvah.

There's kids around.

I'm serious. It's distracting.

My ass?

- Yes.

- Oh, sure.

It's 'cause you work

me out so good.

Hey, maybe we should

take a breather.

- Okay.

- Get a drink or something?

I'm going to use the ladies room.

Don't go anywhere.

Uh-uh.

I, like, really like you.

And since you won't tell me

why you're being blackmailed

I think it's only fair

I get to do this.

Excuse me. It's time to

strap on the feedbags.

Dinner will be

in about five minutes

if our very expensive catering

company would just do their job.

Good luck.

Okay, alright. Ready?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

So?

So, you guys look

pretty cute together.

Yesterday, you were pissed

because I was alone with him

and now you want

us to get married.

No, shan, this is different.

He really likes you.

I can tell.

I know. I think I should just

f*** him and get it over with.

Will you not say that kind

of sh*t all the time?

Okay. Eric's in position.

Okay, got it.

Are you okay there?

Ahh!

A woman is choking here!

- Oh my God!

- Someone help her, please!

Is anyone here a doctor?

I'm a doctor!

I got it.

Everybody back, Noah.

Son, tell me about

no, it's f***ing disgusting.

Just cough it up, cough it up.

Okay.

- I got it.

- Just cough it up. Cough it up.

Do you see anything?

- No.

- Heave, ho.

Eww, these are new shoes.

Are you all right?

Is it all out?

- Uh-huh.

- Okay, oh...

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- Go.

- All right, all right.

I think it's a seizure.

I think it's a seizure.

Everyone get back, get back.

Nobody panic, nobody panic.

She's going to be fine.

Watch her arms.

She's slapping...

give her some air!

Just step back!

Come on, dad!

Noah, direct the traffic.

Do something, Noah! Just...

calm down.

It will stop.

Just let her be calm.

Whoa, whoa. No, just calm down.

Don't hurt yourself.

Let her be calm.

Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, okay.

Just vomit.

Okay, everybody back. Calm down.

Oh, peanut.

That is really

a bad thing these days.

There's peanuts in everything.

All right.

Give it up for this guy.

This guy is a hero.

Hero! Hero!

- Thank you.

- Hero! Hero!

- That was crazy.

- Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I think I am. It was

just a seizure, I guess.

Okay. I think we should

just go back to my place

so I can keep an eye on you.

How about that?

Oh gosh. I don't know, Kelly.

I think I should probably

just go home alone

'cause, you know, I nearly

just died kind of so.

Okay. What is it?

Do you not like hanging

out with me or something?

No, it's not that.

It's, like, Shannon...

my sister is... at my house

so I have to be there.

Okay. You have to stop

using your adult sister

as an excuse

for blowing me off.

I'm not blowing you off.

I don't want you think

I'm blowing you off.

Well, I'm available,

like, totally available.

And I'm gay and I'm very

attracted to you.

I don't know

if you noticed that.

I like you a lot.

And I'm cool as sh*t, so I

don't see what the problem is.

Am I like, what? Am I

coming on too strong?

Am I supposed to play games

and pretend

like I don't like you

and be mean to you?

Is that what Alicia does?

Should I be like Alicia and flirt

with other guys in the gym

to, like,

make you attracted to me?

I'm not a game player okay.

I'm over that sh*t.

I'm a grown ass woman

and I f***ing like you

so let's do this.

What's the problem?

I don't know, Kelly.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Wait, wait, Kelly!

Hey, and you know what,

you should signed up

for spinning

because my class

has a no a**hole policy now, so.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, I'm sorry.

I don't know anyone was here

so I'm just going to go

and you can continue

you're blubbering.

- Just pretend I am not here.

- You're so insensitive.

Are you even a woman?

Hey, I'm sorry, okay?

No, you're not.

Okay fine. I'm not!

I saw an "Oprah" on this.

You're a sociopath.

Hey wait... now listen I am

not sociopath, okay?

I feel stuff.

I empathize

and I sympathize which means

that I'm not a sociopath!

Okay, well, if that's true

then why don't

you ask me why I'm crying?

All right, I can do it.

What's wrong?

Okay, well when I confronted

Scott about you...

who's Scott?

My husband,

the one that you blew.

Oh, yes, okay. And Scott

you talked to him about...

Yeah, he didn't deny it.

He admitted it was true.

Okay.

And then I asked him

if it was good.

And I could tell that he

didn't want to say anything

but I forced it out of him

and he said that it was the

best blowj*b of his life.

And now we just

can't stop fighting

and I can't have sex with him

and I just don't know

what I'm going to do

because I just... I can

never... I can never do that!

Yeah, okay, you can

do it, you can do it.

You know what,

I know how to fix this.

We'll use this.

I'm going to teach how to give

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