Addicted to Fresno Page #5

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Just turn me in because I

don't give a sh*t anymore.

F***!

Give me one of those.

You're welcome.

Am I supposed to say thank you?

Most people would.

From what your sister says,

you're not most people.

Well, Martha needs to learn

her f***ing mouth shut.

Whoa! Whoa!

Language.

Look,

I know it can be difficult,

but, you know,

your sister's pulling for you.

She's a good person.

How do you know?

She helped me quit

smoking weed.

It doesn't look

like she was very helpful.

I used to smoke weed

like all the time.

I never get any writing done.

Now I just smoke

before and after work,

and I get stuff done.

In rehab we had more

of an all-or-nothing approach

with a little bit

of higher powers

surrender yourself

bullshit peppered in.

Does it work?

It seems to if you believe

you have a problem.

So what do you write?

Uh... I write poetry.

Really?

So you're all deep and sh*t?

I don't know, maybe.

Well, let's hear one.

Fresno.

I don't like it already.

Fresno.

Lord, why is it so hot?

Did you mean for it

to be this hot?

Or did you leave the house

in a hurry and Fresno

was the oven you forget

to turn off?

Fresno.

Yes, that smell is dead animal.

Do you like it?

Fresno.

Where is stuff, like, anything?

Fresno, where the best job

I could get is the worse job

I've ever had.

No, hotel guest, I cannot

tell you where anything is.

If knew where anything else was,

I'd be there.

Fresno.

Come on!

Come on, Martha. My dead grandma

could kick harder than you.

There we go!

Come on!

So, like sands

through the hourglass,

so are the days of our lives.

That's plagiarism.

I literally wrote that.

Whether you believe it or not.

- I think so.

- That's so lame.

That's partially.

I think you don't know

enough about prose

to really give me

an accurate critique.

I know about pros. I know

about pro baseball players.

I know about pro basketball

players. I know about...

I'm off work, like now.

Do you want to go do something?

I do.

Okay, everyone in a circle.

Yes. Faster, faster,

faster, faster!

Krav Maga. We have one rule,

one rule only.

Never stop fighting!

- Hiyah.

- Hiyah.

Thank you. Bryan email me,

Wednesday about privates.

We'll work it out.

- Okay.

- Cool.

How long has Alicia

been with that dude?

I don't know.

I don't really talk to them.

You were at

that softball thing.

Oh yeah. Oh, I didn't

want to interrupt.

You there with your date.

Yeah. Tanya is just a friend.

See you tomorrow.

- Yup.

- He's the worst.

Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?

Oh, my God, please tell me

you are going to Noah's

bar Mitzvah tomorrow night?

I actually wasn't even invited.

Well, lucky you.

Noah's parents pay for

privates so I have to go.

And you have to come with me.

Like as your fake date?

No, as a real date.

Is that a yes?

Whoa! Whoa.

- What?

- Let's... do you want to...

- let's...

- Let's go to the desk.

No, that's not what I mean.

Can we just slow down

a little bit.

- What?

- Please, can we just slow down?

Are you... what,

tell me you're not gay?

No. I mean, no. I mean, no.

Let's talk. Just talk, okay?

Oh God, you are gay.

No. My God.

I don't know

why I'm telling you this,

but... Jesus...

I haven't slept with anyone

since me and girlfriend broke

up a couple of months ago.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Do you, like,

not like condoms or something?

No.

Do you want a drink?

I'm going to have...

what is wrong with you?

What the f***!

Oh, my God.

Martha, would be so pissed.

Do you want to go back

to rehab?

I'm a sex addict,

not an alcoholic, a**hole.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

I don't... that's a thing?

I thought that was made up

by Tiger Woods or something.

Don't be a dumb-ass.

Okay. Well...

wait, just wait.

The things is that's I'm really

trying to manage my addiction,

just like you are,

so will you just touch my boob

just for one minute, please?

I don't...

I just feel like maybe...

what the f***?

We were just

about to watch a movie.

I can't believe you brought

him in here, Shannon.

He didn't see anything.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He deserves better.

No offense.

Go to sleep.

I can't sleep.

Kelly invited me to a bar

Mitzvah tomorrow night

and it's freaking me out.

I'm glad you're thinking

about chicks instead

of our sh*t ass predicament.

The bar Mitzvah is in this

hotel tomorrow night.

So?

So kids make a lot of money

at these things, Shannon.

That's genius.

Yeah, it is.

You want

to Jack the bar Mitzvah?

What do we do?

Okay, look.

I'll just go with Kelly

and then you can crash it.

No. I can't go alone.

I'll bring Eric.

Okay. You can't

tell him anything.

I'll get him to help us.

I won't tell him anything.

I'll just make something up.

I know he'll do it.

He's so into me.

Just go to bed.

Jerry, I have some

guests locked out of room 402

and I'm getting no response

from housekeeping.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

Shan, wake up. Shan.

- Please, stop it.

- Shan. Shan, it's Jerry.

- What is it?

- Oh God, this really sucks.

- Sh*t.

- Okay, okay.

Okay, listen.

I'll deal with Jerry.

You go home

and get the stuff, okay?

Okay.

You got to get the dresses

for the bar Mitzvah.

What about the dead guy?

Just make sure you keep

fresh ice on him, okay?

Okay.

Okay. Come on.

- Wake up.

- Don't do that.

It's a big day, shan.

I know. I'm so nervous.

Hello?

It's me. What are you doing?

- I'm working.

- Okay.

Well, Martha's not here

and home alone

so can you come

over and f*** me?

So, now that like I've told

totally f***ed up my marriage,

now you want back in?

No, no, no, no. I just...

no. No. I...

or are you just f***ing

someone else now?

No, no baby.

That's not it at all.

I'm just... I'm alone now

and this is a perfect time.

Because I know that you

always do this.

Do what?

Come groveling back as soon

as you're seeing somebody new.

Baby, listen to me. Listen right now.

I don't want...

you need to start facing

your fears and your feelings.

You're just going

to keep hurting yourself

and everybody around you.

Well, that's the long way

to say no.

Shan, I have to go.

- Ow!

- It's going to look good.

I'm going to get it

nice and straight.

Ow!

Stop yelling.

It doesn't hurt.

Sorry, I guess

I'm just nervous.

About the bar Mitzvah?

Eric's going to help us.

Think you've ever been in love?

I'm not good with emotions.

As soon as I start

to get close to someone,

I just... I feel crowded

and I'm not attracted

to them anymore.

How many guys you think

you've been with?

- I don't know.

- Like a ball park.

Like a hundred?

100 d*cks?

Stupid thing is most of the

time I don't even like the sex.

Then why do you do it?

I don't know.

Like the pain of doing it

is not as bad as the

emptiness of not doing it.

Does that make sense?

Martha.

Yeah.

I was a 100% wrong

about your hair.

- What's the problem?

- It's not good.

Do cousin it.

No, shan,

I'm not going to do it.

- Yes, you are.

- Shannon, I'm not doing it.

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