Addicted to Fresno Page #4

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I think so. But this will help.

"Sell this

and get out of Fresno.

I love you. But I can't

change another diaper."

X-o-x-o, Boris.

Yeah, sounds good.

What should we do with him?

Should we just leave him here?

No, dumb-ass we should roll

him back to the hotel

and figure something out.

God, shan, do you just have

to smoke all the time?

Yes, I do.

You know, we're in the middle

of a serious drought, right?

Yes.

I mean, do you just want the

whole place to go up in flames?

Actually, yeah. That would kind of solve

our problem, if you think about it.

We know somebody who has

a place right around here.

We do?

Gerald?

What the f***, Martha.

Be quiet and admit

it's a good idea.

All right. And you were

saying the breed was a Dane?

Great Dane.

- A great one?

- Yeah, that's why he's so big.

Okay. So...

You do remember?

Come on, man. My sister.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Hey.

Hey.

These are old friends of mine,

Shannon and Martha.

Is this the scooter girl?

How did you know that?

You told me about her

on one of our first dates.

Wow. You really listen to me.

I listen to you

when you talk, baby.

But you look the other way.

It's incredible.

Yeah.

What's in the bin?

Really hope it's a dead dog

because we could use the cash.

Sensitivity, honey, please.

I'm sorry. We really hope

it's your dead dog. Please?

That's Boris.

He just passed away,

so we're hoping

to get him cremated.

Gerald was saying we could have the

friends and my family discount.

I'm sorry.

You know, this is the reason

why we're stuck here.

This, bullshit friends

and family thing.

Not everyone is your family and

almost no one is your friend.

Can we walk around the cemetery

and do this. It's just...

we also... we need

to get the bin cremated too.

There are no discounts

and the bin is extra.

That's fine.

We can pay.

Okay. Hand me the tape measure.

For what? Why do you need the...

why do need the tape measure?

- We have to measure for the...

- We already know.

No, we measured him.

It's the average size

of a great Dane.

It's five foot,

something, something.

Just charge us

a great Dane price.

The extra, extra large.

It's fine.

- You guys can leave.

- You don't have to measure him.

- You don't have to measure him.

- I have to measure him.

What the f***?

We said don't measure it!

I'm sorry.

We need to call the cops.

What for?

- I'm with Ruby.

- Shut up.

We own a business, all right?

We can lose everything!

There's a human body in here.

I understand that, okay?

Listen.

- Do you understand that?

- Yes, I do.

Well, I'm the business

person here, okay?

We agreed... we agreed on that.

And I say we don't call

the cops.

Because if we call the cops,

what's going to happen?

Nothing's going to...

they're going to go jail

and we're not going

to get anything.

No reward.

I mean, you think that the guy

who found the slave girls

in Ohio?

- Ohio?

- Ariel Castro.

Yeah. Do you think

that that guy...

did he get anything?

Because he didn't.

No. Uh-uh.

He got, like, a hug

from a little white girl

and then he got,

like, an embarrassing interview

like got auto-tuned

and, like,

put all over YouTube.

That's not what we want.

No, not at all.

We're going to blackmail

these two b*tches.

Are you kidding?

We want 25,000

to get out of this butt crack

and we want it by Sunday.

What?

There's no way we can come up

with 25k in three days.

We're in Fresno.

- Yeah.

- I'm pretty sure you can.

You seem very resourceful.

So three days, 25,000.

- 25?

- We can go to Detroit with that.

We could definitely go

to Detroit.

We could move there

and we set up shop and...

and guess what, you get

a cremation out of it.

You know how good we are

at cremation?

We're really good at them.

A funeral service

like you will not believe.

But, you know, if you don't

get the money then

you're going to be charged for

manslaughter, so there's that.

What about a payment plan?

Nobody even has that.

Layaway?

Can I give you a little bit

advice as far as bodies go?

That guy is going to rot

if you don't get him on ice.

That's all. It just happens.

It's biology.

What a stupid ass idea.

Gerald.

Come on, he burns things

for a living, okay?

For $25,000! And they'll

probably still turn us in.

They're not turning us in.

She said she wants out

of Fresno.

The only way to get 25k is

dealing drugs or prostitution.

I just paid thousands

to put you in rehab

and I double mortgaged

my house.

You're not becoming

a prostitute.

I'm not having sex.

I'll be your pimp.

I'm not touching sweaty balls!

They're not always sweaty.

Just pretend they're

tiny little b*obs.

Okay fine. What about this?

What if we pull the

fire alarm in the hotel

and steal it

from the front desk?

I won't jeopardize my job.

Listen! If we don't get

rid of this body

that we're going to go to jail

and you won't even have

a job, right?

Yeah, well, thanks.

Thanks to your smoking,

I for sure lost my V.I.P.

Parking spot.

Okay.

This is good. People only

pay in cash at sex shops.

Let's rob it. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

It's good.

I can barely see.

D.I.Y. Toilet paper,

it's genius.

I know this place and

the workers are always high.

It's easy money. Come on.

This is stupid,

shan, we look ridiculous.

Does anybody work here?

Does anybody work here?

Yeah, sorry smoke break.

Oh, I like the T.P.

On your head.

It's all rapey and sexy.

I am very into scat.

I need you to come over

here right now

and open this cash register

and I need all the cash, now.

Yeah, get over here.

Who knew sex shops were

such a cash poor business.

These d*ldos have got

to be worth something.

Come on, let's go.

I can't believe

we only made $400.

It's fair to say

we overestimated the market.

That's a f***ing

understatement.

Lesbians are poor.

They always are

and they always will be.

Shan, don't be homophobic

right now, okay?

I only tell the truth.

Well here's the truth.

Whose great idea

was it to rob a sex shop, okay?

It's wasn't mine.

That was yours.

Let me remind you.

That was my second idea.

My first was to rob hotel rooms,

but somebody was too scared

of getting in trouble.

You know what?

Why don't you take these d*ldos

and shove them up your ass?

Oh, that's a really

nice thing to say

to a recovering sex addict.

Could you not be so

annoying right now...

you stop being so annoying!

Stop it! Stop.

You want to get titty f***ed?

I'll titty f*** you!

- Titty f*** this!

- No! Okay! You're going down.

- Oh, my God. Ow!

- Yeah.

What are you doing? Get off me!

- No, it's my turn to hurt you.

- What did I ever do to you?

We wouldn't be here

if it wasn't for you.

Oh, sure. Blame me for

everything while you're at it.

Blame me for mom dying

of cancer and dad

drinking himself to death. Ow!

I already do!

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

We still have a rotting corpse

to deal with.

You know what?

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