Addicted to Sexting Page #5

that they're like,

"There's nothing up here. There's nothing

here. There's nothing in my wallet.

"So let me show you, you know,

what god gave me."

If you leave, I'll send everyone

your nude photos you sent me.

You wouldn't dare!

Oh, look,

you as a sexy Ash Ketchum.

What would your mother think

if she saw your Pokeballs?

Damn it, Claire!

That was our little secret.

I'm in a phase right now where I

have been masturbating to dick pics,

but, like, huge ones.

Like, eight-and-a-half,

nine inches, and, like, thick.

Like... Like that,

and like that.

You know what? I would take a picture

off the Internet and send that

instead of my thing,

and just let them be disappointed

when it's too late and they

can't do anything about it.

I don't need a picture

of your cock.

It's not all that.

When I see it in person, that's awesome.

But I also don't send

any graphic photos of myself.

Because I know what

guys do with them.

They just show 'em

to their friends.

And you can get enough photos

of me online.

I just say, be like everybody else.

Google me.

I don't think that p*ssy shots or

dick pics are necessarily sexy.

You know, genitals are the weirdest

looking things I've ever seen.

Probably 80% of women are like,

"Don't send me a picture of your dick."

And then the size queens are like,

"Yeah, send me a picture!" You know?

Men are out there texting women

photos of their penis,

all the time.

You wanna see something amazing?

Watch this.

Clap if you are a woman

in the audience.

Okay. Now clap if a dude has

sent you a dick photo before.

Was there even any difference

in the applause?

Now, dick pics...

Dick pics are a whole other thing.

As a woman who's had a lot of sex,

I can look a dick and go,

"Oh, my gosh. I would do this position, that

position. This would be perfect for that."

So I can tell

how you're gonna...

I can tell, from looking

at an erection,

how I'm gonna like

having it inside of me.

I had a dude, one time,

get a nut.

I mean, show me

before it even busted.

He was talking to me.

"It's coming, Kim. It's coming."

And I swear to god,

through the whole thing, pop, pop, pop.

I had three or four pictures

of an exploding penis. Yeah.

So that was kinda surprising,

'cause I didn't think you can

hold a phone at the same time

while you're jacking off.

I didn't think you could do it.

But it can be done.

So here are my tips

as to how to take

a good dick picture.

First one being,

make sure you have good lighting.

Just make sure you look

presentable down there.

You know, not all guys

like to shave.

If you guys just trim,

trim it up a little bit.

Three, is it's all about the angles.

Just like on MySpace.

I like to get it from like down here

at the base, you know what I'm sayin'?

So even if you're not big,

it just looks triumphant and powerful.

You never know when

you're gonna get a picture.

And I'm not really big on

the pictures to be honest.

Like, if you ask me

for a picture, I'll send it,

and I'd like

the same courtesy back.

Which means that

if I'd like a picture, I'll ask.

Why are you sending me

all these dick pics?

Like, I had this guy...

I do not know who this person is.

And they send me this pictures,

and this guy has this dick, it's this big.

Not exaggerating.

Whenever it starts to

get into that realm,

I always get scared.

Like, when's it coming?

When's the dick pic coming?

You know?

And, you know, to be honest,

they're never good.

He drew a spider web

on the head of his cock,

and he's like, "Look at this funny

little dick. Isn't this hilarious?

"Isn't this blah, blah, blah?"

And I open it,

and it's this dude's dick.

And I'm like, "Oh, my god."

For the most part,

it's an unflattering picture

of something

that I typically enjoy.

I'm as self-conscious

as any other guy out there.

Um, I want to have

a little bit of assurance

that she likes what she sees

before she sees it in person.

I would just send

dick pictures to...

Dude, I would just send them up a storm.

That's the thing to do.

It's like, it's either a body picture or

a dick pic. It's gonna be one of the two.

The Captain Morgan picture.

It's my favorite stance,

the Captain Morgan.

I don't know. Now that I think

about it, it's kinda shitty.

Yeah?

'Cause all of my junk

is just out there.

When you send your junk

through Gmail, for example,

the NSA got a copy of that.

The good news is there's no program

named the Dick Pic program.

The worst is when they, like,

take dick pics on the toilet.

Do not take dick pics

on the toilet.

Like I think, like, "What are you

doing that you have to do that?"

Men who are not gay

are socialized to only think about

their dick as a source of pleasure.

Giving or receiving.

A guy sending a picture

of his dick going,

"Me happy. Share fun you?

Me toy fun share?"

And the woman goes,

"Eek, what?"

You know, men want in.

Hi. My name is Janet,

and everybody is talking

about dick pics.

I've never received a dick pic.

Uh, so my friends put together

this slide show of 89 dick pics.

And, uh, we're gonna

take a look at them.

I'm gonna see

what this is all about.

So here we go.

This does not look like a person,

I don't think.

And this is a... Okay, so I know

this is an uncircumcised one.

I don't know if this is erect.

This is like

a sort of moodier one.

I'm not a size queen or anything,

but this is very short.

This is a big,

round lollipop dick.

Oh...

It's like...

Yeah, he's like, bleh.

I don't know what this is.

Curve.

I mean, I guess he could be

tugging his own ball sack, right?

Or... But it seems he maybe

fingering his butt hole.

Hmm, makes me wonder

what you could do with that.

Yes! Yes!

This is the one

I would wanna receive.

I don't... And I add,

I don't believe it's real

because it's too good.

This one, I'm sure, is real.

So, guys, women are complicated,

and even though you think you're just

sending a picture of your penis,

we're constantly trying to put

together the clues about you,

the man behind the dick.

But your wieners are fine.

Put your dick out there

and be f***ing proud of it.

If you sent it, you meant it.

I'm gonna text my ex.

Probably shouldn't, right?

I'm gonna do it anyway.

Could we get some blow?

I desperately need some blow.

But first,

let me take a dick pic.

Let me take a dick pic.

Mystery's gone.

I guess people don't want

mystery anymore.

I'd rather be surprised.

Should the elderly sext?

Yes, but keep it to themselves.

People still want to have sex

at 50, 60, 70.

So it's kinda natural that

that would happen.

I wouldn't do it myself.

No. Nope, Let's just nip that right there.

Nope.

No. They can send e-mails.

I mean, come on.

It's been my experience

with elderly people

that they really can't even

get to their contacts,

you know,

and their phone very well, so...

F*** yeah.

Hell yeah!

They need it more than anyone.

Who the hell wants to

look at an elderly...

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