Adult Beginners Page #6

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Drury Lane.

So you can't see it,

but the studs are spaced

24 inches rather than 16.

Saved 25% on the studs.

Turned that into six lineal feet

of floor-to-ceiling insulation.

- Six lineal feet, huh?

- Yup.

You love insulation.

Oh, also, I designed these

floor-to-floor straps.

You know? That we use

for certain heavily-loaded

second story shear panels.

But I only use those if the

calculations prove necessary.

And did they?

Did they what?

Did the calculations

prove necessary?

Oh, you guys are f***ing

with me.

You guys, I just want to know

what you think of the place.

Baby, I love it.

I love it.

- It's awesome.

- I love it. I love it.

Show... what's this?

Show me over here.

Oh, those are my storm windows?

You want to see

my storm windows?

- It's beautiful.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I love it.

- Do you?

Why are you so smart?

Hi, are you here

for the open house?

Come right this way.

Oh, f***.

He's really the best contractor

I ever worked with.

Oh, me too.

Okay, come on, we should pick

Teddy up from his play date.

Come on, babe.

What the f***?

Mold?!

What the f***?

You guys, I'm sorry, I gotta go.

I got an inspection on Monday.

It's okay.

He's asleep.

Okay.

I'm so sorry, baby.

I'm so f***ing hungry.

Dehumidifier.

Dijo, dehumidifier.

Hey, want to order a movie

On Demand?

I won't make it.

Come on, we'll get

something stupid.

We can get The Princess Bride.

I gotta clean up.

F***, I feel like this kid is

trying to tunnel out my lower back.

Sit down.

I got it.

Bring It On?

- What's going on here?

- He's sick.

Can you get the Vicks?

Yeah.

- Hey.

- Oh, thanks.

A little Vicks for Mom.

A little beer for Unky Jake.

A little rubdown for the man.

Here you go, honey.

Is my hair crazy?

No, it looks nice.

What about mine?

No, 'cause you had it chemically

straightened.

I had it chemically

straightened, like, once.

For prom, okay?

Want to trade?

Yeah.

- Jakey.

- There we go.

Let's get Uncle Jakey

just a little sick.

Okay.

You want to hook a brother up?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

There we go, buddy.

Let's get that rub on.

Yeah.

You know, Unky Jakeys

have to pay a lot more

for these rubdowns.

Dude.

What?

What is that face?

I know that face.

What face?

What are you talking about?

You were having a sex flashback.

I wasn't having a sex flashback.

Yes, you were.

I saw it.

Tell me.

Who did you sleep with?

Stop it. No.

You've only been here two months

and you're already

f-u-c-k-i-n-g-ing somebody?

I'm holding your son.

You're a pervert.

I saw that face.

Busy.

You're busy.

He, like, sneezed on me.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

"One morning, Little Rabbit

sat on the bank.

"He pricked his ears

and listened to the trit-trot,

trit-trot of a pony..."

Can we put something better on?

No, I'm the guest.

Hey!

That' not how "I'm The Guest"

is played.

The guest gets to decide

what TV shows to watch,

what games are played, and what

to listen to on the tape player.

You always cheat.

You've always been a cheater.

I'm the guest.

"Everywhere that Big Chick went,

Little Chick went, too."

You're right.

This is better.

"Big Chick went looking

for berries

"and Little Chick followed.

"Big Chick took a walk

in the woods

and Little Chick followed."

He's asleep.

"'But I'll be lonely, '

said Little Chick.

"The next morning,

Big Chick woke up early,

and she left without waiting

for Little Chick..."

Fresh lemonade from powder.

Fresh powder.

Just 50.

I love that you kept the VCR.

Okay.

Okay, well,

it's pretty cold out,

but I think we're gonna get

some people walking by.

Why were we always trying

to sell things

that people didn't want to buy?

F***.

I'm still doing that.

You had such a cute voice.

That was the only reason

we sold anything.

It was like the center

of our business model.

God, you made me hawk

all those sea shells.

They were all f***ing broken.

"Sea shells.

Get your seashells."

"Seashells"

That's not...

I didn't sound like a...

You were so cute.

No, I wasn't.

I drank with a student.

"Drank" drank?

Yeah.

It's bad.

I could get fired.

Maybe I want to get fired.

Just f*** everything up.

You're pregnant.

They can't fire you.

This girl, Sarah, she's great.

She's gonna get

in everywhere she applies.

She sounds like you.

I wish you came to visit

because you were happy.

I was happy.

Look at me.

We're gonna just keep our eye

out for a while.

Are you happy?

Okay, turn it off.

Bye.

Get out of here.

Thank you for not throwing

everything away.

- Hey.

- Hey.

How's Teddy?

He's wheezy, but sleeping.

How's the mold?

Bro, it's bad.

Still moldy?

You like your room?

Took me, like, two hours

to drag that f***ing

Nordic Track out of here.

That's great.

You want to smoke out?

No.

You want to keep me company?

Cats.

Now and forever.

This is the same wood

from the cabinets.

And, you know, he's gonna be

able to eat on it.

F***ing Play-Doh.

All that sh*t.

It's gonna be nice

to have his own space.

Yeah, it's great.

I gotta go to bed, man.

What?

No, dude.

Come on, I got snacks.

I can't.

I can't look at tiny tables

and pretend like we're cool.

Your kid was sick

and you were off

f***ing Plainy

the Real Estate Agent.

Look.

Hmm?

What is that?

That's mold.

Okay?

She wasn't there?

Really?

Dude. Mold.

Mold, mold, mold.

- Mold, f***ing everywhere.

- Yeah.

I don't understand how you can

make it okay

in your head, because it's not.

Okay?

And you walk around, like, just

because you're building things,

everything's even?

Do you think I'm an a**hole?

I don't know.

No, you don't.

Because you know I'm not.

Yeah, you're fantastic.

Look, I needed attention, Jake.

I needed somebody to look at me

instead of being f***ing

distracted

by something more important.

- And that was all?

- That's all. Okay?

I would talk about whatever

and she would think I'm awesome.

Okay? And it only got weird

when we started to...

Oh, don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

The sex was terrible.

It sucked, okay?

And the second time

was even worse...

Just stop talking 'cause I don't

want to hear.

Twice.

That's how many times we did it.

That's it.

Don't f***ing throw

little cookies at me.

Hey!

Just stop f***ing around

on my family.

Right.

Your family.

So you think you've got it all

worked out now, huh?

After three months.

You know what it means

to have a family.

To have a wife, to have a kid.

To have a kid, Jake.

You've got it

all worked out now.

I was here.

Where were you?

I was working.

You know what?

You don't know what the f***

you're talking about.

Okay?

I mean, you don't really

live here.

Nobody expects anything

from you.

Okay, okay, point taken.

A little cabbage

goes a long way.

But look,

you two do this at every meal.

You know, I used to have

a waterbed in here.

Oh.

That sounds really

uncomfortable.

Yeah, it was, but I loved it.

I had to read 100 books

with my mom to earn it.

And then we sold it

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