Adult Life Skills Page #5

It's contouring!

I look like Adam Ant!

It'll look much better in the club...

I think.

Feel like gettin' hammered.

Let her teenager out.

Come on, let's go buy some booze.

Wot?

You have to embrace his

(? therapy ?) whilst getting wasted.

Right, my (? out ?) challenge.

If you can get a block to

say the word, "Period",

without meaning something historical, or...

you know... geographical,

then you have to snog your head off.

Oh, sh*t!

I've not got my phone.

Sorry.

2 seconds.

Whoo, ha, it's really cold.

It's gonna make my nipples

stand out like wheelnuts on a Volvo.

Let's have a look.

It didn't work.

Come on.

Oh my God, that's Mum's hairdresser, Luke.

Don't engage!

Hi, Lu.. ke.

Hello.

I like your hair,

It's very 80s.

Thanks.

Bit of double denim for the ladies.

If I give you some money,

can you get us some booze from that shop?

We're havin' a teenage night out.

Oh yeah, is it fancy dress?

No.

You look like Mumm-Ra.

Look, can you get us

some booze or not?

You're serious?

Yeah! Just get us some

alcopops or some cider or somethin'.

Somethin' that looks radioactive.

Okay.

Thanks.

Jesus.

I would not want that cuttin' my hair.

D'ya reckon he straightens his mullet?

Jesus came to my birthday party.

When I was seventeen.

I thought it was a dream

But I know I seen him standing there

With his long hair

I know I saw him there.

Jesus came to my birthday party.

When I was seventeen.

It was a long time ago.

Jesus came to my birthday party.

Wha?

What are you doin'?

You can't just leave like that,

didn't know where you were!

I just needed to get out of the club.

Yeah, well you could have told me,

I was worried!

And that cab just cost me 40 quid.

- 40?!

- I know.

Why, didn't think you'd care,

I thought you'd just have your

tongue down someone's throat.

Oh my God, you're still wasted.

Yeah, well whose fault is that?

Oh, well sorry for tryin' to

give you a good night out.

God, all I've been tryin' to do

since I came back is...

make you smile again.

Yeah well, you f***ed that up hadn't ya!

Wot are ya doin'?

Did you lock my shed?!

- Wot?

- Did you lock my shed?

Yeah, I dunno... yeah.

I can't remember, why?

My videos and my camera

have been stolen.

You sure?

Of course I'm f***in' sure!

You can't 'ave locked it!

I don't think someone's gonna take

your videos and your camera.

Well it just sums you up

that you're so self-absorbed!

- I am?

- Just everythin' is always about you.

Oh my God.

D'ya know what, you make out like

you're the only one who knew Billy,

and everyone else has to tiptoe around you.

- That is bullshit.

- Is it?

You're not the only one

who loved 'im you know.

Since when did you love 'im?

What, you think some snog on a

school trip counts as love?

I'm talkin' about your Mum and your Nan.

F*** you, course I loved 'im.

No, f*** you!

No, f*** you!

- No, f*** you!

- F*** you!

Sh*t.

Anna!

Can I tell you about that

boat we made at school?

What're you wearin'?

It shrank in the wash.

What the f***,

that's my brother's!

- You shouldn't swear.

- You shouldn't steal things!

Your Nan gave me it.

Was your Nan an astronaut?

Wot?

Did your Nan go up into space?

No.

Does your Mum know you're up

at crack o' dawn?

She's in hospital.

You should get back to bed.

Are you hungover?

What do you think?

I think it could be really nice.

Come on, sweetheart.

Is it about the jumper?

Anna, please don't ignore me.

You okay, luv?

Someone's been in my shed.

Well, how can you tell?

My videos have been stolen.

You might find 'em if you tidied up.

Oh, will you stop banging on

about tidyin' up.

What do you want me to do,

live in an empty box?

Well, this is a lovely empty box,

Brendan, thank you.

You're welcome.

You coming luv?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

I'm thinkin' of quittin'.

It's not really for me.

You're not very good at it.

What you looking at?

There's love written on the pavement and

I took a picture of it

and now I can't find it.

Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.

I'm not.

How...

is...

is... your... period?

Don't ask that, don't ask that.

That's a...

You don't ask that.

Why would I say that?

I said it, because Fiona

told me to ask you.

She thought like...

uh, you'd be impressed but...

it felt wrong... instinctively...

as I was saying it.

So...

I hate Fiona.

Fiona is your worst mate.

Hi, you've reached Fiona's voice mail

leave me your message

after the tone.

- You love him, right?

- I'm serious, don't you f***in' dare!

- Oh my God.

- What's goin' on?

If these are broken

I will f***in' kill you.

These are really f***in' expensive!

- Wot 'appened?

- Everythin' I've ever had she's broken.

I should f***in' (? bench ?)

you psycho b*tch!

I'm takin' the cost of that laminator

out of your wages.

It was already f***in' broken,

that laminator,

because she uses it to laminate

everythin' within a 5 mile radius.

She laminated my degree certificate.

She didn't frame it.

She laminated it.

Well, laminate this.

(? See, missus ?) this is what 'appens if you stay

around here, you turn into that.

Do you know wot?

If you shat yourself...

- ...you'd blame it on someone else.

- Whatever!

You just forget everythin' you've done

and then blame me for it.

I'm not likely to forget you laminatin'

pictures of Robert Pattinson.

Oh my God, it wasn't

Robert F***in' Pattinson.

Why'd you need it laminated anyway?

That is vile.

Wot are you gettin' on it?

Fluids?!

I wasn't even f***in'

laminatin' it for me...

I laminated it for her!

Why? I don't even like Robert Pattinson.

Oh my God,

it wasn't Robert F***in' Pattinson!

All right!

Should'a known that you

two were in this together.

(? Ruin ?) anythin!

Get you, and your diseased vagina

out o' my house.

Are you okay?

They've killed 'em.

Yeah.

Humanely though, they...

use tablets that turn into gas, they don't

- ...feel anything.

- Wot?

You know, in those traps.

The traps are only if it doesn't...

work.

So they're just dead, underneath us?

They were undermining the foundation.

So I'm gonna be walkin' around on

dead moles everyday at work now?

Are you okay?

No.

Everyone's angry with me.

Why, cuz you don't like the flats?

No, cuz I'm turnin'

30 in two days,

and I live in a shed at the

bottom of me Mum's garden...

and I make videos with me thumbs.

You're weird, aren't you?

I like it.

No girl wants to be liked

for being weird, Brendan.

I could objectify you if you want.

I like... your...

pale skin...

and your messy hair...

and your smooth forehead...

Are you doin' an inventory?

Sometimes it helps to apply logic

to emotional situations.

I once did a cost/benefit analysis

of a relationship I was in

to see if it was worth pursuin'.

Was it?

She dumped me before I could finish it.

She?

For f***'s sake, I'm not gay!

I like girls, of course I like girls!

I like girls like you.

Weird girls.

You don't like me, Brendan,

you always used to throw pebbles at me

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