Adult Life Skills Page #4

bigger than his fate.

Blowin' up this spaceship would mean

that we're bigger than our fate.

- Wot?

- I 'ave no idea wot you're on about.

Albert Camus' "Myth of Sisyphus".

- Is he a goalkeeper?

- Wot?

You need to lighten up.

I think you need to stop listenin'

to that depressing hippie music

and start listenin' to Whitesnake.

"Here I go again on my oooownnn!"

Here ya go, sweetheart.

What?

Clint's stayin' here tonight.

- You're kiddin'!

- His Mum's in hospital.

Oh, look at the state of it.

Can we tidy up please?

Why can't he sleep in the 'ouse?

You don't.

Is this clean?

Is that your brother?

Yeah.

That's Billy.

Is he dead in the photo?

- No!

- He's sunbathin'.

He looks dead.

Was it fun bein' a twin?

She finds it hard to talk about Billy.

The sad bits 'e's dead.

Not talkin' about him.

You left him alone in there?

Oh, grow up.

Where's his Nan?

At the hospital.

Well, where's his Dad?

He's doin' some controlled

demolition somewhere.

I made that for 'im.

Guided meditation for real men

who aren't into hippie sh*t.

Number 16...

Sheds.

Man!

Wot! ?

Stop wot you are doing.

This is your time.

There's nothin' you have to do now

apart from friggin' rest

Close your eyes.

No one is goin' to hit you.

I.m.m.magine you're in a shed

A shed with adequate shelving.

and nothing touching the ground

where it can get damp.

Or imagine you're building a dam

in a river.

A brilliant dam,

where all the rocks fit together perfectly,

and no bastard water gets through.

Tell me when to start.

Muscle Lady.

Designed for building dams.

We've run out of rocks.

- Got it.

- Yeah.

It's meant to be no

water getting through there

and that basically looks like

most of the water is.

I am a man of many talents.

Take it, take it, take it.

Why did you take it off?

I wanna do a stunt.

Like (? ColCheatahs ?)

Is that you and Billy?

Don't touch my tapes.

They're precious.

Nan made you this.

Have you got a teddy?

No.

Have you got a doll or a lion?

Umm.

Pass us your pillow.

What was that video for?

Nuthin'.

We just thought it were funny.

Why did the pictures stop at the end?

It's not finished.

Are there any more?

Yeah, loads.

We had a website.

We made videos that were like

bad instruction guides

for coping with things in life.

Is this Billy's?

No.

It's mine.

Why have you got your hair in a pot?

It's from just after he died.

Your body's made up of millions of cells

and I read somewhere that

all your cells will be replaced

every few years.

So every day I'm alive

I'm less and less the person

I was when I was with him.

And one day,

there'll be nothing physically

left of me from when he was 'ere.

- So I cut off me hair to put in the pot

- Can we look at the website?

Guided meditation for real men

who aren't into hippie sh*t, Number 3

Cowboys!

Imagine you're on a horse.

Let's call it Toby!

You're with your mates and they're all...

straight.

And you are drinking beer in a way

that makes women want you.

Gulp.

Gulp.

Gulp.

Where have me shoelaces gone?

This is for you.

- It's God.

- Good morning, wakey wakey.

Eh, you're up.

Right, I've got to get you to the hospital.

Anna, I want all this sorted,

okay we're gonna go see a flat later.

I wanna tell her about the boat

we made at school.

You can tell her about it later,

she's not goin' anywhere.

I'll come round and tell you tonight.

Come on, we'll have a (? rice pat ?)

for your breakfast.

- We're gonna hit the sun in three days.

- Yep.

Have you got a teddy bear?

Uh, no.

They'd give you no comfort now anyway.

- Why?

- Because all teddy bears are nihilists.

The question is existential...

- ...or moral.

- 'Kay, let's go.

The majority have no concept of the self.

So could be considered the former.

But Yogi Bear was a moral nihilist.

Stealin' all those picnics with

no consideration of the consequences.

Anna, I mean it.

That won't help.

Stop being so...

bloody sanctimonious, Mother.

- What you doin'?

- I'm tidying up.

They don't go there.

Sorry, I didn't realize you were

the moral authority on this.

Everyone knows

that you put the mugs on the top shelf.

You line them up between the prongs

not over the prongs,

(? because they chip 'em ?).

Just give it to me.

Don't you write me a job description.

Anna! Get yourself out here,

right now, please!

What should I do with this?

(whispers) Up my ass?

F*** off.

Anna, I think you should know,

that despite claiming maturity,

your mother,

just mouthed the words,

"F*** off," to me.

Shut up.

You can't get angry with people for not

behavin' the way you would, Marion.

Only a sociopath would put

mugs on the lower shelf.

I'm not talking about the dishwasher.

Marion, don't lose them both.

You didn't 'ave to do that.

- I'm not nine.

- Well, stop behavin' like it then.

Could you not text and drive?

My life's in your hands.

You're assuming I'm not

trying to kill you, Marion.

Council toilet block looks

salubrious by comparison.

Have you got anything else we can look at?

Not within your specifications, I'm afraid.

Perhaps, you should consider

lowering your expectations.

Or I could just give up on life completely.

Can't really imagine her

bringing someone back here.

I wonder if there are

any women in the world...

- ...shagging less than us three.

- Can we not use that word, please.

- F***ing?

- I can't believe your my mother.

Let's get a blood test.

Sorry.

S'alright.

Have you thought about Brendan?

I think he's quite hunky.

Define "hunk", Marion.

- Well, I...

- I don't think anyone's been "hunky"

since about... 1965.

- Brendan's gay.

I don't think that's necessarily a problem.

Oh, it's ideal, Mum.

Look, I'm just saying,

it would be healthy... for you to be

emotionally involved with someone.

Emotionally involved.

Are we in "Pride and Prejudice" now?

It would be good to develop a bond.

- I don't need a bond with anyone.

- Look, you didn't even give Luke a chance.

Jesus, Marion,

the hairdresser?!

Have you gone completely mad?

You know I can't stand a man

who wears Ugg boots!

I thought they looked quite cozy.

- Where's the bloody keys?

- Cozy?!

Anna doesn't need cozy.

She needs a man with arms...

chiseled out of granite, that can

chuck her across the bedroom.

It's what all women want.

A mono-syllabic lumberjack...

with an artistic streak.

- Don't put a lot on.

- I'm not.

I'm just defining your cheekbones.

I've seen an online tutorial.

It's amazing, you can make

really fat faces look thin.

I haven't got a fat face.

Deceptive.

My face is 5 times bigger than this.

What the hell is that?

Clint did it, it's em...

God as a cowboy,

on a horse,

on a cloud.

That kid has got issues.

No, I like the fact that he does stuff,

and he ain't worried about

what people think.

Wot, you mean he's a little sh*t?

No, he's just not scared of messin' up.

If he wasn't 7,

I'd say you had a crush on him.

Even?

I need to rub it in more.

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