Adventureland Page #2

on one of the red bottles,

they win a giant-ass panda.

-That is a giant-ass panda.

-Yeah, it's the best prize in the park.

And that's because this game

is un-winnable.

Observe. I'll drop a ring

from 3 inches away.

So nobody ever wins?

If someone wins a giant-ass panda

on your watch,

you should just go home

because you're fired, okay?

So the object of the game

is to knock the hat off the dummy

with a softball,

except, as you'll see,

half the hats are glued on.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I mean, we pay little Malaysian kids

we can't just give them away.

You get a 5-minute bathroom break

every 2 hours.

I recommend saving a few of those up

in case you have to go number 2.

Brennan, they got you working on games?

What a p*ssy! You're such a p*ssy!

-You know that demented person?

-Yeah. He used to be my best friend.

Then I turned 4.

So if you stand

directly below the hoop,

you will see that it's been hammered

into an oval shape.

But from back there,

the sucker just can't tell.

Jesus, that's so wrong.

A criminal abuse

of the laws of perspective.

Yeah, well,

people are getting ripped off.

Yeah, yeah, Trotsky,

let's get you a booth.

So your life must be utter sh*t,

or you wouldn't be here.

I was supposed to go to Europe,

but my family has money problems.

Wait till your parents start

making you pay rent.

My dad even makes me pay utilities.

I don't want...

I catch the paper boy

But things don't really change

I'm standing in the wind

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try

I try

Hey, litterbug! In the clown mouth!

Okay, we have a winner.

It's the purple horse.

Green's in 2nd. Yellow's 3rd.

Congratulations.

Here you go. You can have that.

-Hey, James?

- Yeah?

You think you can maybe, you know,

take it up a notch?

Yeah, I know. Maybe I'm not

the right guy to run this game.

I really... I think I should probably be

on the rides department.

No. No, no, no.

You're more of a game guy.

-No, you're very... You're very gamey.

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Have you ever seen

a horse race before?

Have you ever, like,

heard one on the radio?

Harness racing

or, like, the normal kind?

-That's a good question.

-It doesn't really matter.

Look, the Kentucky Derby.

Have you seen the Kentucky Derby?

The way they announce it on the radio,

and it's really...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"100, 200, 200, going..."

-That's an auction, sweetie.

-Right.

So don't...

Yeah, just get into it, you know?

Make it a show. Make it a performance.

You know what I mean?

That's what people come for.

So, let's take it to a 10.

All right, got faith in you, man.

Thank you.

-Take it to a 10. I like that.

-Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put down your mint juleps.

Horses are all at the starting gate.

Okay, and they're off!

And Red bolts out of the gate,

taking an early lead!

But look out! Here comes Green,

issuing a challenge

from the outside lane.

Green runs well

on a muddy track, folks,

so today's conditions

give him a slight edge.

And Yellow is dead last!

What a disappointment after Yellow's

strong showing at Saratoga last spring.

Wait! Look out! Wait a second!

Out of nowhere,

Orange breaks ahead of the pack,

and now, in the backstretch,

Orange and Green.

Orange and Green,

and Orange takes it by a nose!

Green places and Red shows.

Please come to the window

to collect your winnings!

-What window? There's a window?

-No. No, there's not. Here you go.

Congratulations, sir.

I'm new.

Our original initiative rapidly got

all tangled up in the sale of arms.

And the sale of arms got tangled up...

Hey, why don't you call

one of your old friends?

I heard Danny's back in town. Or Pat?

And tell them I work as a carny?

No, thank you.

-Yo! Guy!

-Yeah?

-Give me five.

-Okay.

Hey, I heard some big fat lady

fell off the Paratrooper.

Oh, really? I didn't hear about that.

Was she okay?

I don't know.

Hey, you know what? Give me 10.

-Okay.

-You know what? Make it 15.

Yeah, I heard she was this

big, fat, slob of a woman, you know?

Hey, he won! Check it out!

Way to go, Dom! Way to go, Dom!

-We got a winner!

-Come on, check it out!

Okay, sir, actually,

I saw you holding him over the bottles.

That's cheating.

Oh, no. He won fair-and-square, sir.

You know, you gotta give him a prize!

-Yeah, I saw him throw it!

-Hey, thank you, sir.

-Guys, hey, fellas, I could lose my job.

-This f*ggot's trying to rip off a kid!

Why don't you give the kid

a f***ing panda.

Here you go, here's your panda.

Yeah, thanks. Here you go, Dom.

I mean, he's just a little kid.

Look, am I gonna get in trouble?

No one's ever supposed

to lose a giant-ass panda.

Is it worth getting knifed over?

No.

-Hi. I'm James Brennan. I just started.

-Em. Nice to meet you.

Sucks you're gonna lose your job

your second day, James.

No. Sh*t. I need this job.

I'm kidding. You're okay.

I'll tell Bobby you lost the panda

at knifepoint.

Yo, Connell! Rock on!

-Who's that?

-Connell. He's the maintenance guy.

Hey, Joel, is that a pipe?

Yeah, I know.

It's a revolting affectation,

but it relaxes me.

-Hey, Joel. Hey.

-Hi.

You guys want some of this?

-I bagged it from Paulette. Cuban rum?

-Thanks.

I think somebody was trying

to write "Satan Lives" on that wall,

but they spelled it "Satin Lives."

One of those textile-worshipping cults,

no doubt.

-That's quite funny.

-Yeah.

Lou Reed? I like the tee, Em.

You know

about Connell and Lou, right?

No, I don't know about them.

Time out, guys.

-Guys, he doesn't know the legend.

-Oh, my God!

-Tell him.

-Connell once jammed with Lou Reed.

-Really?

-The historic Lou Reed.

-The Lou Reed.

-So Connell's like a real musician?

Yeah, he's got his own band.

It's frigging awesome.

-He's gotta get a lot of p*ssy with it.

-He's married, you perv!

Nice pipe, Grandpa!

Oh, my God.

That was a whole corn dog!

I'm sorry, Joel.

My brother is such a douche.

Looks like it's us!

Let's go, panty stain!

"Panty stain," that's me.

Good night, everybody.

Hey, I could give you a ride,

if you want.

Really? Frigo, I got a ride. Really?

-What?

-Yeah.

-Thank you so much. I got a ride.

-Hey, what?

You can go. Good night.

-You got a ride?

-Yes.

All right, then.

Then why don't you ride this?

-Oh, my God.

-Frigo.

-All right, I'll see you, Brennan.

-What the hell was that?

It's just my life.

I'm curious to know

exactly how you are

I keep my distance

But that distance is too far

It reassures me just to know

that you're okay

But I don't want you to go on

needing me this way

And I don't want to know

if you are lonely

-Here, have some rum.

-Thanks.

Oh, sh*t.

Sorry, my mother. She's very nosy.

Yeah, she used to read my journals.

I had to start writing them in Italian.

I took Italian for a year.

I went through an opera...

Okay, she's gone.

So, Joel told me that you're gonna go

to Columbia for grad school.

-Yeah.

-Wow. I'm at NYU right now.

Oh, really? Oh, that's cool.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote