Adventureland Page #7

Hey!

What the f***?

It's glued on, the f***ing thing.

-It's not worth it.

-We have a winner.

-Nicky.

-Congratulations.

The f***ing thing is glued on?

His hat is glued on?

-F*** this, Nicky.

-What is so f***ing funny?

-Yeah, what's so f***ing funny?

-I don't know.

-Oh, my God!

-My God.

-What the f***?

-Not so funny now, is it?

You can't do sh*t like that.

Like, what the f***?

-You punch him in the face?

-Back off, slut!

-Don't f***ing touch her, man.

-What are you gonna do, f*ggot?

Oh, f***.

-You're f***ing dead!

-You jerk!

Breaking the law, breaking the law

Breaking the law, breaking the law

-The option of the flute?

-Option of the flute...

People are trying to kill me.

Get the f*** out, motherf***er!

Move.

Get out of my doorway, motherf***er!

Give me a reason!

Just give me a f***ing reason!

You don't know what I'm capable of!

Come on! Please!

You don't know what I'm capable of!

-Bastard.

-Thanks, Bobby.

-No problem.

-Okay, I'm gonna take the back way.

Yeah, yeah, good.

You know what, now that I think of it,

the flute is actually more expensive.

You guys should have seen

Brennan wail on that greaseball, man.

-I can't believe you hit someone.

-Me, either.

How'd you do it?

Did you hit him like this? Oh, psych!

Dude, this guy was huge.

I mean, Brennan went up, like, one hit...

-And just dropped the guy.

-I can't believe they call that a hit.

Then his buddy started

chasing him all around the park,

and then he hid in Bobby's office.

Yeah, see, that's more like

the son of a b*tch.

Bobby kicked the door down

and came out all psycho

with this bat like...

And all his buddies just go, "Okay."

Where's the guy?

Was he ever...

I don't know.

They left him on the pavement.

Then I got his girlfriend's number.

Where are you taking me?

You've never been to this place before?

No.

I think you might be the coolest

and cutest guy I ever met.

Really?

I mean, I'm really high, but...

I don't want to lose you.

-Forget to refrigerate these?

-Yeah.

When did they get in, yesterday?

-Around what time?

-In the morning.

-They smell weird?

-Yeah.

-I think that's normal, though.

-Yeah.

Stuffy, fry these up!

Hey, Brennan, I want to talk to you.

Want to pick up some extra shifts?

-Yeah, sure.

-Good. Because Joel quit.

-What?

-He's passed on.

He moved on, honey.

He didn't pass on, he moved on.

I know, I heard you!

-What are you doing here?

-You didn't call me back.

Look, I can't abide the humiliation

of you seeing the inside of my house.

The vile plastic slipcovers,

the art-fair paintings.

And it's really messy.

Just go around back. I'll meet you.

Okay.

Hey, Jeffrey!

Turn off the f***ing lawnmower.

-Fine.

-I'm trying to have a conversation here.

-F*** off, f*** face.

-Nimrod.

I hate you, a**hole.

-Hey, is it because of Sue?

-What?

Why you quit. Because, Joel,

you're a great guy, you know,

and she doesn't deserve you.

James, look at me.

I'm not a good-looking guy.

And I'm poor.

Girls aren't gonna go near me

when there's all these

f***ing yuppies around.

That's ridiculous.

Not all women are like that.

You know, Em isn't like that.

-Em?

-Yeah.

You don't even appreciate

what you have.

You're chasing after Lisa P.

when you have this incredible,

beautiful girl right f***ing there.

F*** this.

Don't do that.

-I thought you were off today.

-I need to tell you something.

Last week I went on a date with Lisa P.

She asked me out.

It was nothing. We kissed a little bit

at the end of the date,

and I felt her breast a little bit,

but nothing else.

Right. No intercourse?

No. No intercourse.

Look, I'm sorry, it's just... You and I

never talked about being exclusive.

I don't want to see her again, okay?

You're the one I...

Look, we'll both be in New York soon,

and I want to hang out with you.

I want to get to know you better,

if you want to get to know me better

as well.

James, you don't owe me anything.

I know, but I want to owe you things.

I'm ready to owe you things, okay?

Because I really, really care about you.

-Are you mad at me? 'Cause I'm sorry.

-No, no. I'm not mad at you.

Thanks for telling me.

That was, like, really sweet.

-Are you crazy? You can't come here.

-I just can't do this anymore.

I'm starting to really

f***ing hate myself, you know?

Oh, Christ.

My wife probably heard me come in.

Just... I gotta...

We'll find someplace to talk.

I gotta go make an excuse.

Park outside my mom's house, okay?

-Okay.

-All right.

Brennan. Yo, Brennan.

Come here!

Brennan, you gotta hear this.

Tell him. Tell him what you told me.

I ate too many circus peanuts.

No, what? No, not that, retard.

The other thing, the thing about Em.

Frigo, shut up.

Wait, what thing about Em?

I saw Em and Connell in his car.

Right, right.

What were they doing in the car, Rich?

They were doing push-ups in his car.

They didn't have any pants on.

No pants.

Naked push-ups, retard, for f***ing.

-James, they were f***ing.

-Frigo, Frigo. Shut up.

-When did you see this, Rich?

-Like, a while ago, a while ago.

It was just a couple

of weeks ago, right, Rich?

-Hello?

-Mr. Lewin, it's James. Is Emily there?

She said she was with you.

She said she was gonna go meet you.

Oh, yeah.

I think we got our wires crossed.

Okay, bye.

What'd he say?

Can you get your mother's car?

All right, I got the keys. Push me out.

I don't want to drink.

Did you know James went out

with Lisa P. last week?

-I know.

-You know.

-You want me to rat out James?

-Right.

-Slow down.

-Sh*t.

It's Em's car.

Let's wait here.

I stole some of my grandma's

cough medicine if you want some.

-No.

-It's grape.

-No, please.

-Okay.

Can you sit down, please,

just for a second?

-Look, you want to end this?

-Yes.

I got a hockey stick in the back,

if you want to smash the windows.

-Frigo, shut the f*** up, okay?

-All right, okay, Brennan.

-Just trying to help.

-Oh, sh*t.

What are you doing here?

Are you and Connell, like...

It started in, like...

I didn't even know you when it...

How did you... What are you...

How did you find me here?

Lisa P. told me that Connell used to

take some other girl here last summer

to his mother's basement.

Right.

Yeah, I just, like, don't understand

how you could do this.

I came here to...

I know. I know I f***ed up, too, okay?

I f***ed up one time, and I f***ing

told you about it, and you...

You think I'm, like, some f***ing

pathetic idiot or something.

You're not a f***ing idiot.

I'm a f***ing idiot.

Yeah, that's right.

Sh*t.

I am the champion.

To the victor go the spoils.

-Here you go.

-What? What is this?

-Is it a banana?

-It's a banana with eyes.

I'd watch my mouth if I were you,

carnival boy.

Hey.

What's up?

I mean...

I actually feel sorry for them, you know.

Like, sneaking around

and lying to everybody.

It's, like, so pathetic.

He's a married man.

I know. I know.

Hey, Lisa, you can't, like,

tell anybody about this. Ever.

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