Adventures of a Taxi Driver Page #2

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Let me guess.

I'd say you're a secretary, right?

Personal secretary to some oil magnate. Eh?

Really high-powered.

Don't let appearances fool you.

Be a right little raver, this one,

when it gets going.

Got a lovely little body on her, too.

No mistake.

Looks a bit miserable, though.

I know what she needs. Right?

That's another thing I can tell.

Whether a bird's had a good seeing

to or not the night before.

I reckon that one's had

a right thin time of it lately, don't you?

Born in London, were you?

No, don't tell me. Let me guess.

I'd say, judging from your accent,

that you're from somewhere up north, right?

Yes, I can usually tell.

Somewhere like Liverpool, maybe?

Yeah. Liverpool, I'd say.

She's weakening. What'd I tell you, eh?

Oh, yes, definitely softening up.

Stands out a mile.

Which side of the bridge, love?

- Middle.

- The middle?

Right, then. Middle it is.

That'll be... Here, hang on!

Hey! Hang on a minute, darling.

What about my fare?

Go away and leave me alone!

Please. Just leave me alone.

But I never laid a finger on you.

What's the matter with you?

Jesus Christ, I only want me bleeding fare.

Look, if you haven't got it,

there's no need to panic.

I mean it. Don't come any closer.

All right. All right. I'm going. I'm going.

You don't care, do you?

- Nobody cares.

- Eh?

No one will even notice I'm dead.

All right then, if that's the way it is,

I'll jump now.

- Oh, my God!

- Don't try and stop me.

It's too late. My mind's made up.

No. Wait. Don't do it!

The pain, the suffering, will only end

when the icy waters close over me,

carrying me away into oblivion.

- Funny bird.

- The dreamless sleep of eternity.

Darling, why don't you tell me about it?

I mean, I don't pretend to understand.

I've only just met you, haven't I?

But you know what they say, right?

"A trouble shared is a trouble halved."

All I can say is,

well, it seems to me a terrible waste,

beautiful girl like you

trying to do away with herself.

What do you say, eh?

I mean, nothing's ever that bad, really.

- Not when you come down to it.

- It's too late for talking now.

Oh, please, darling, try, eh?

I'm all alone in the world.

No one loves me. No one cares.

You don't know what it's like

to be left alone, unloved, unwanted.

Hold on. I don't believe it.

Beautiful girl like you

and no one wants to know?

Listen, I could love you.

I mean, the first time I saw you,

I said to meself,

"Now there's a girl I could really love."

There was a man. Once.

I thought he loved me.

- Oh, Ronald, Ronald!

- Watch yourself, you'll fall!

He's never coming back. I'll never

see him again. Never! I want to die.

I can't face life without him.

Oh, Ronald, Ronald!

I can't even kill myself properly.

I'm a failure at everything.

No, you just need cheering up, that's all.

Look, you've had a nasty shock, right?

Why don't I take you home, eh?

Where do you live?

Do you really think

I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?

Course you will. With a bit of help.

I need love, you see.

That's what I need, lots of loving.

Well, I did just save her life, didn't I?

I mean, the way I look at it,

it's an offer I can't refuse.

And strong arms. Strong arms to hold me.

Hold you? It's like trying

to undress a bloody octopus.

I don't want you to think I'm promiscuous

just because

you caught me at a weak moment.

Oh, I don't. I don't.

Look, just lift up a bit, will you?

It's just that without Ronald,

I feel so helpless.

I don't know, you seem

to be doing all right.

I wish he was here right now,

so he could see.

Oh, I don't.

Linda!

- It's Ronald.

- Ronald?

- Oh!

- You got it all wrong, mate.

It's not like that at all.

I've just brought her back in my cab,

you see.

And you're just collecting the fare,

that right?

Yeah. No!

You mustn't get it wrong.

I didn't dare leave her.

She was going to do herself in.

Throw herself off Lambeth Bridge.

Well, that makes a change.

Let's see, what's the score now?

Westminster twice.

Blackfriars, London Bridge, Tower Bridge,

and that's only in the last few months.

How was I supposed to know?

She was in a terrible state.

- Said you'd left her.

- And you did.

You walked out without saying goodbye

and you slammed the door.

- Cover yourself up, will you?

- That's typical, that is.

Most of the time

you want me to uncover myself.

That's different. That's when I'm with you.

Well, you're with me now,

so what's different?

Admit it, you only want me for my body.

- Oh, Linda, don't be so ridiculous.

- I'm not being.

You think you can treat me how you like,

as if I've got no feelings.

- Now, you know that's not true.

- Oh, calling me a liar, are you, now?

Not content with only wanting me

for my body, I'm a liar as well!

- I didn't say that!

- Excuse me...

I knew it. I just knew it.

You don't love me any more.

- Of course I do.

- You wouldn't say such things if you did.

Look, I don't want to interrupt anything...

If I didn't love you, how the hell

could I have put up with you for so long?

- I don't want to interrupt...

- Just mind your own business.

Keep your nose out of this, mate.

I've got to go to work sometimes, you know,

without you thinking I'm leaving you

and threatening to commit suicide.

You drive me to it. You're so cruel to me.

- Thank you.

- Oh, don't be so stupid.

You're sick, that's your trouble.

Oh, yes, that's

always your attitude.

You never think.

And you still haven't remembered.

Remembered what,

for heaven's sake?

It's my birthday!

So what's important

about a birthday?

- It's very important to have...

- You have one every year.

It's going to be one of those days.

I just know it.

I'd like to take her out

and push her under a bus.

Don't you talk about your little sister

like that. I won't have it!

Sister? She's not even human.

Look at that lot!

A whole bleeding ton of soap powder ruined.

Do you know how much money

she's lost me?

And when I'd done a deal on it.

Knocked myself out to set it up.

Well, no one asked you to bring it in here,

did they?

Cluttering up my kitchen.

Well, I want it out. Just get rid of it.

- Do you hear me?

- Oh, yeah?

Now what am I supposed to say?

Like, "Listen, mate,

about that soap powder,

"I did have it, see, but it sort

of vanished. Sorry about that."

Or how about, "My little sister

decided to decorate the house with it."

Oh, they're going to love that,

after they've picked themselves up

off the bloody floor laughing, of course.

Joe, just tell him, will you?

Just tell him to get rid of it.

No. No. I've had as much as I can take

I wash my hands off the whole bleeding lot

of you. That's it, as far as I'm concerned.

Why don't you get rid of the stuff you've

already got before you bring more in?

It's getting so that I can't

even move around me own house.

What's all that gear doing in my bedroom?

I'll wring her bloody little neck,

so help me, I will.

Peter!

Little monster ought to have been

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