Adventures of a Taxi Driver Page #8

---

and I'll lay one on you so hard

my fist'll come out the back of your head.

Take it easy, Harry, yeah?

The kid didn't mean nothing.

Just let it rest, okay?

Trouble is, my friends, what do we do now?

I mean, for all we know,

they might have taken Joe's number.

For all we know, they might be on the way

round here right now.

Taken my number?

That's great, that is.

That's really landed me in it.

Tom's right. We ought to split

before they get on to us.

Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow

like we planned.

Too late, they're here.

- Can't see anyone.

- Well, it's not ringing on its own.

Who is it?

If nobody makes a sound,

perhaps they'll go away.

Look, maybe you'd better go

and see who it is.

- What?

- Do you want me to go?

You stay right where you are. Yeah. Go on.

It's no use hiding.

I know you're in there, Joe North.

Bloody hell, that's all I need.

Answer this door

or I'll scream the place down.

You let me in or I'm warning you,

I'll get the police to knock the door in.

- Oh, Carol.

- You took your time, didn't you?

- Where is he?

- Who?

Oh, Joe.

Who did you think I meant? Mickey Mouse?

- He's out. Working.

- What? When his taxi's here?

What's he driving? Horse and cart?

His taxi's not here. He's out in it.

Really. Well, I have just bumped into

the tall lady from Number 3,

with the toy poodle and the blue rinse.

And according to her, Joe's taxi

drove into your garage 10 minutes ago.

So unless it's gone straight through

your back wall, it's still here, innit?

Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that,

'cause I was asleep.

He's up there, isn't he?

He's up there with another bloody bird!

Oh!

- Joe, get rid of her.

- What am I supposed to do?

If I find you in a compromising position

with your knickers down, I'll...

Oh.

- Didn't know you had company.

- Hello, Carol.

I just came to tell you that I've forgiven you.

For what you was doing last time I saw you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Yes.

I've thought it over very carefully

and I decided that what you did

was a moment of weakness on your behalf,

so I have forgiven you.

- Great.

- I thought you'd be pleased.

- Yeah. Great.

- Well,

aren't you going to introduce me

to your friends?

Oh. Yes. This is Peter.

Yes, I know Peter, and Tom,

and that Nikki as well.

And this is Jeremy.

Terribly pleased to meet you.

- And Rupert.

- Pleased to meet you.

I'm Joe's fiance. Carol Hotchkiss.

Actually, Harry, Bernard and Jim

were just about to leave.

Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, we're going.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Bye, Rupert.

Nice to have met you.

What did you say they do for a living?

- Insurance.

- Antiques.

- Banking.

- Computers.

What is going on?

What do you mean? Nothing. Why?

Is there something

I'm not supposed to know about?

It's just that I get the impression...

- I mean, what's he doing here for a start?

- Just come to see my brother, haven't I?

You've got someone here, haven't you?

Another woman,

another naked tart in the bedroom.

Oh, for God's sake. Look, there's

no one here but us, that's all.

- How am I supposed to know that?

- Well, you've just got a suspicious mind.

That's your trouble.

You're worse than the CIA, into everything.

If I caught you with another woman,

Joe North,

so help me, I would kill you, I would.

Especially after I've forgiven you

for your misdemeanour.

Listen, darling, you know

you're the only girl in the world for me.

It's just that... I've learnt my lesson.

Come on, let's go down the pub

and have a drink, eh?

- Do you really mean that?

- Yes, I'm thirsty. I could do with one.

No. About me being

the only girl in the world.

Course I do. Come on.

Oh, well, don't push me, all right?

I mean, the pubs aren't even open yet.

- So? We can wait.

- Which one did you want to go to?

Oh, any one...

Thank God for that.

Good day, sir. Madam.

Going somewhere, were we?

- Who are you?

- Do you mind if we step inside, sir?

- What did you want?

- If you don't mind, sir?

- No, you see, we were just on our way out.

- I had noticed.

Yes, we were waiting till the pubs opened.

Inspector Rogers, CID.

- And this is Sergeant Jeeves.

- Afternoon, all.

I rather thought you might be able

to help us with our enquiries.

Oh, what's been happening?

Oi! You got a search warrant?

Why? You hiding something?

You're with him. And you're with him.

Right?

So? Who are you with?

Myself.

Joe, what's this all about?

You're a bit young to be

in this sort of league, aren't you?

I didn't know there was an age limit.

Look, what are we supposed

to be helping his enquiries with?

Carol, love.

It's to do with sex, isn't it?

You've been having orgies up here,

haven't you? That's what it is, isn't it?

- Orgies.

- No, ma'am.

Well, it must be something like that.

I mean, if Joe's anything to do with it,

it must be sexy.

You've got a one-track mind, you have.

All right, if it's not

orgies, what is it then?

You might say it's a little treasure hunt.

Joe, what have you got yourself

mixed up with now?

- Nothing.

- I bet you have.

Especially if there's a woman involved.

- Listen, there's nothing up here.

- Not according to your two friends.

We've got them outside,

- picked them up a few minutes ago.

- What two friends?

We know all about your little caper

at the jewellers.

I'm sorry, I really don't know

what you're talking about.

Why don't you just come clean?

Your friends have.

Found any little trinkets yet?

Not yet, sir.

You're not going to find anything here.

We'll see. Life's full of little surprises,

isn't it?

Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to shout,

it's just there's a bloody snake in there.

That is Monty.

He is my speciality and

he's very highly strung.

Please don't upset him.

He's got a performance tonight.

- There's nothing there, sir.

- Told you.

Here, I've just realised,

you're looking for stolen property.

Carol, why don't you belt up?

But the cheek of it. I mean,

coming in here and searching this place

like we were all criminals.

No, you tell him, Joe. Go on, tell him.

Carol, Carol will you shut up, Carol?

Go on. Go on, tell him.

Ask to see his search warrant.

Go on. Ask. Ask.

Go on. Go on.

If you don't ask,

I shall never speak to you again,

even though I have forgiven you.

Have you got something to say, then?

- Well, um, Inspector...

- Go on, go on, tell him to get out.

Yes, um...

And tell him to apologise.

Tell him you know your rights.

Tell him you'll sue him for libel

if he don't apologise.

She'll get me jailed for life.

Go on, Joe, tell him. Joe is my fiance.

Well, um, Inspector, as you don't appear

to have found anything...

That's right. Really lay it on him.

I suggest we, um, call it a day.

- Don't you?

- That's a bit pathetic, innit?

- Carol!

- Well, I mean, he's just called us

a bunch of criminals.

We could sue him for that.

Excuse me, ma'am,

I haven't called any of you criminals

yet.

Oh, yes, you did. I heard you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes