Adventures of a Taxi Driver Page #7

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all dressed up like rabbits.

Yeah, probably been

in that Playboy magazine.

You know. Playmate of the Month?

I bet if I looked, I'd find a picture

of you on Tom's garage wall.

- Who's Tom?

- Oh, he's a guy I live with.

- Is he nice?

- Yeah, he's all right.

Not as nice as you, though.

She fancies me, don't she?

I'm in here if I play me cards right.

Make yourself at home.

Sit down. Relax.

I should sit over there if I were you.

It's more comfortable.

I'll just get the wine.

- Here we are.

- Well, here we are then.

- Have you been together long?

- What?

- This boy you live with.

- Oh, Tom. No, just a few weeks.

Well, we've known each other

for a couple of years now.

But we've only been living together

a short time.

He's not going to get jealous,

if he comes back and finds me here?

No, probably fancy you himself.

Oh, let me.

Must need a new flint.

Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.

Sorry about that.

That's a really great

outfit you're wearing.

Oh, do you like it?

I design all my own clothes.

Yeah, well, it looks terrific.

I suppose I shouldn't really

be wearing it now,

but after I finish work I

just want to get away.

I can't be bothered to change.

Oh, no, you mustn't change.

I mean, you look great as you are.

A real turn-on. Honest.

It's a tough one, this.

Do you want me to do it?

No, no. It's all right. I'll

get it out in a minute.

Come on. Why don't you let me try?

No, you'll never do it.

- Have you got the glasses ready?

- What? Oh, yeah.

Sorry, we're a bit short on glasses.

Well, this is very nice.

Thank you.

I think you're very nice.

You comfortable, are you?

Mmm. Thank you.

I think you're really something.

Really, I do.

I hope you won't mind if I say this, but...

I think you've got the most

beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen.

- Really beautiful.

- Yes. Yes, they're much better now.

Mind you, they cost me a fortune.

So, um, why don't we give them

a little air to breathe, eh?

You've got lovely legs

and all, really lovely.

I have to shave them, of course.

Bloody hell!

- What's the matter?

- You!

- You're a fella!

- But of course I am.

What did you think I was?

I wonder if I could have him

under the Trades Descriptions Act?

- Christ almighty!

- Get going, mister, fast.

- Where to?

- Never mind now, just drive.

Help. Help, I've been robbed!

Must have gone to the same party.

Still, tenner a time, I should care.

- I'll play the game.

- Can't you go any faster?

I'm doing my best but watch out

for the law. I don't want to get done.

We'll take care of that. Just drive. Left.

Christ almighty,

you might give me some warning.

All cars west.

Robbery in Praed Street.

Your attention is called

to a black London taxi,

believed to contain suspects.

1505, over.

What do we do, stop them all?

Turn right. Just where that van is.

Wouldn't it be easier if you told me

where we're making for?

We're going to have an

accident at this rate.

Look, I'm giving the orders round here,

so shut up and keep driving.

I suppose they've got to come on heavy,

otherwise it wouldn't count.

I wonder when they get round

to the bit about doing me in?

Not as good as the last lot.

Much more realistic, they were.

Are we being followed?

- Don't think so.

- That's all right.

Going in the opposite direction.

It's all clear.

He could drop us off at the end here.

Are you kidding'? He's coming with us.

We may need a hostage.

Look, mate, why don't I just drop you here

like your mate suggested?

I can sign your paper

and you can be on your way.

Paper?

I just think it'd save us all

a lot of time, that's all.

- What paper? What are you talking about?

- You know, for your mates.

"I hereby declare I've done

the dreadful deed" and all that rubbish.

I won't tell them I cottoned on.

Listen. Just shut up and keep driving.

Come on, don't let's get carried away.

A joke's a joke,

but I keep losing business doing this lark.

That won't be the only thing

you'll lose, you don't belt up.

Look, fair's fair, but you go too far.

I'm not going to sign your paper,

I'm warning you, so watch your step.

- Now, see here...

- Left. Sharp left!

Hang about. What's all this then?

Go right down the end to the garage,

drive right in.

- Oh, I get it, I get it.

- You will if you don't belt up.

It's bleeding Tom, innit?

I mean, I told him about the other kidnap

and he thought...

Very funny!

- What are you doing here?

- You should know.

What a bloody prank.

Look, it's costing me money, this game.

- You know him?

- Course he bloody knows me.

- I live here, don't I?

- What happened?

- Where's the car? - Parked on a

double yellow line, didn't he?

We do the job, come rushing out

with the stuff,

there's our getaway car

being done for parking.

Had to come back by a cab.

And of all the cabs in London,

you had to pick...

Oh, no.

I still say we can't trust him.

I'm telling you he's a mate.

He's not going to shop us.

- I won't. I won't.

- And I say we shouldn't chance it.

Look, I'm not going to say anything.

As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.

I don't know nothing about it.

See? I'll guarantee him. Now, don't worry.

- Don't worry?

- How much do you think I'm worth?

Now look, Nikki, we haven't got time

for all that, love. Take them off, please?

I knew I'd look good in expensive things.

Yeah, you look lovely. Now get them off.

Right, well, if you've all finished with

me, I think I'd better get back to work.

Sit down. You ain't going anywhere.

- Yeah, well, I just thought...

- Well, don't.

- You expecting anyone?

- It's all right. It's not the law.

And I thought taxi driving was a strain.

Right, let's get this stuff away somewhere.

It's making me nervous

lying around the place.

Yeah, where are you going to put it?

I know a place where no one'll look. Nikki?

Oh, come here, Monty.

- Christ almighty!

- Hello, what are you doing here?

- You two know each other?

- Yeah, he's my brother, isn't he?

- Bloody hell, what's that?

- A hippopotamus.

What are you doing mixed up in all this?

I'm in the big time now, aren't I?

I don't believe it. I

just don't believe it.

I was driving the getaway car,

wasn't I?

Oh, yeah, parked on a double yellow line.

I've done it before

and never got nicked.

So tell us what happened.

Nothing happened, I got a bollocking.

You lot came running out of the shop

with the stuff.

Well, the copper, he forgot about me,

so I drove off.

Yeah. We should have been with you.

It looks like you managed

to pick up a cab all right, don't it?

Little bleeder. I ought to do you.

I saw what happened.

Didn't know it was Joe driving it, though.

How much did he charge you?

- You think you're very funny, don't you?

- Come on, Harry, lay off.

How do we know he wasn't followed?

Bloody amateur, coming straight back here.

So what else was I supposed to do?

It wasn't me they were following.

Yeah, well, any more cheek

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