Adventures of a Taxi Driver Page #6

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It's a terrible mess.

It's the decorators.

It was meant to be a surprise.

Surprise? I should think the only

surprise I'd get would be the bill.

Don't suppose you've thought

to get an estimate first?

- Oh, Harold...

- Never mind. Don't upset yourself.

I mean... No, I expect you...

You meant well, yes, like Peters.

He meant well, I expect.

Incompetent clodhopper,

but the Board listen? Would they listen?

Please, Harold, the water's getting cold.

Oh. Ah. Yes. Well...

Yes, well, you have your bath

and don't you worry about a thing.

No, it was a lovely surprise to find paint

all over the bedroom.

Yes, I think I do need a drink.

It's all right now. It's all right now.

Quick.

I brought you a drink, darling.

I thought you might like one.

Oh, you mustn't stand about like that,

not with the window open.

Oh, no, no.

Catch your death.

- Sorry, mate, I'm not...

- St Mary's Convent, Upton Road.

Yeah, but...

Of all the rotten luck.

Anyone else but a nun.

I couldn't very well tell

her to eff off, could I?

I wonder if I could trouble you

to help me with my cases?

I thought I heard you come in.

It's costing me a bloody fortune

in jeans, this job.

- How come?

- I keep losing them.

By the way, your brother phoned

while you were out.

What, Peter?

He said something about having a lot

of television sets, did we need one.

- Bloody hell.

- Why? What's the matter?

If he phones up again, tell him...

I don't know, tell him

I've left the country, anything.

Why? You don't want to speak to him?

Not if I can avoid it.

I've got enough problems in me own life

without getting lumbered with him

and his thieving.

I may get into a few scrapes now and again

but that's one thing I've always stayed

well clear of, crime and all that.

You know what this is, buddy? It's a gun.

Just keep your mouth shut.

Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.

- Yeah, but...

- I said shut up and get going.

Make one wrong move

and you're dead. Understand?

Just stick to the driving,

keep your eyes on the road

and you and me will get along just fine.

Now, drive south and no funny business.

I know this town like I know my own face.

If you ask me, we should have

rubbed her out there and then.

Don't get no troubles with a stiff.

Nobody's asking you, so shut up!

Supposing her old man wants to talk to her.

Ain't nobody going to pay

no ransom for a stiff, dumb-head.

We got to keep her alive to get the dough.

Do you get it?

Yeah. Yeah, but she's already seen us,

so why bother with all this stuff?

So when we call up her old man, you want

her to tell him where we stashed her?

Get it through that thick skull of yours,

dumb-head,

what she don't know, she can't tell. Okay?

Then we rub her out?

- Just stick to the road, pal, like I

told you. - Why don't we rub her out?

Shut that moron up, will you?

Do a right, now!

Listen, birdbrain, we don't snuff her

unless there's no other way.

- What if something goes wrong? - So

long as you follow orders, nothing will.

Take the next turning on the left.

And keep it real cool and steady.

I am going to do something.

Soon as I get the chance.

Bit difficult with a gun

pointing at my head, though.

Okay, buddy, turn left,

through those gates.

Keep going.

Further. That's it.

Now pull up.

Get that broad out of the cab.

Here, didn't we ought to rub him out, too?

I mean, what's to stop him

shooting his mouth off?

Okay, buddy. Out of the cab.

Nice and easy now.

No sudden moves or this baby goes off.

All right, buddy. Out of the cab.

Now, keep it cool.

Put your hands on your head.

Now, turn around.

Come on, turn around! Now get moving.

Turn around.

Get up.

Come on, hands against the wall.

Look. Come on, you can relax now.

Look at him, he fell for it.

I don't believe it. Look at his face.

I'm sorry if we scared you.

The whole thing was a joke.

Everything.

You see, we were at this party...

And someone suggested that

we wouldn't dare try it in the street.

And that no cabbie would believe it.

So they bet us 20 quid to do it.

- No hard feelings?

- No hard feelings?

I've been losing fares

while you've been doing all this.

Oh, don't forget to get the paper signed.

Oh, yes. I almost forgot about that.

We had to bring back

some kind of proof that we actually did it.

Do you think you'd mind

signing your name to this bit of paper?

And if you could add your cab number,

that would be great.

Thanks, mate.

- Hello, Maisie.

- Hello, Joe.

Well, come on, love.

Don't be nervous, I won't bite it off.

- Where to, darling?

- Oh, the usual, love.

- What, round the block?

- Yeah, that'll do.

Just keep on driving.

I'll give you a yell when I'm finished.

- Right.

- Here, you heard about Glenda, didn't you?

Oh, sorry, love. Be with you in a minute.

- Glenda?

- Yeah. She married an Arab she picked up.

- I thought I hadn't seen her around.

- Yeah. An Arab.

- With oil wells and everything.

- No.

Mind you, it was only a matter of time

before she hooked some old geezer.

I'd never have thought that about her.

What, getting married?

Glenda? You're joking.

Every time she opened her mouth

a wedding bell popped out.

So how's business with you?

Oh, it's quietened down a bit

now the tourist season's over,

but I don't do so bad.

Tell you what, love, you get it out and start

practising and I'll join you in a minute.

Here, Joe, could I have this one on credit?

You know, I've just had

the electricity bill in...

Yeah, that's okay.

Oh, you are lovely.

I'll make it up next time, I promise.

Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure.

I'll tell you what,

I didn't half get a fright the other week.

I thought I'd caught a dose, didn't I?

All right. Don't worry.

You have a very nasty cough there.

You should get it seen to.

It might be serious.

That's the fourth one I've had

this week with a cold.

I only hope to God I don't go down with it.

That's my trouble, you know.

Anything that's going the rounds,

I seem to pick up.

Yeah, I had noticed.

Anyway, love, can't sit here chatting

all day. I've got to get back to work.

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Something tells me

this could be my lucky night.

- Number 24, you said?

- Twenty-four. Yes.

Oh, a right little sex bomb, this one.

You can tell from that voice, can't you?

All husky and sexy.

I reckon this one'll need the smooth,

suave James Bond type chat-up.

You in the movies, then?

Sorry?

No, it's just that I thought

I recognised your face from somewhere.

I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly

or the pictures, somewhere like that.

- Possibly.

- I knew it.

I knew you were in show business.

Are you famous, then?

Well, if I was, you'd know who I am,

wouldn't you?

Yeah, well, I do, it's just that your name

escapes me for the moment. That's all.

Bunny McQueen.

Bunny McQueen. Of course.

How could I ever forget that?

Bunny McQueen? Oh, I get it.

Bunny. Must work at that Playboy Club.

One of those birds with long floppy ears,

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