Adventures of a Taxi Driver Page #5

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How about it, then, guv?

Twelve beautiful girls, do everything.

All naked and they dance.

- Hey, where do you think you're going?

- Inside.

- Not without paying, you're not.

- I'm not going in, not to see the show.

- I'm just picking up Nikki, that's all.

- Yeah. You and a few others.

No, honest. I'm a cab driver.

Look, me cab's just outside.

It could be anyone's.

Look, if you think you're going to

gain admittance here without paying,

you've got another thing coming to you.

I'm telling you, I'm only here to collect

Nikki. I mean, do us a favour, mate.

I'll give you my licence number,

if you like. You can check it.

I know all the taxi drivers round

here, mate. I don't know your face.

Well, that's cause

I don't normally do this patch.

I'm only here to collect Nikki.

I live in the same flat as her, see?

You're not the one

who went to bed with Monty?

Oh, God! What?

By accident, was it?

Or did you need the help?

Go on.

Sorry, mate.

Joe, would you mind hanging on

just a minute?

I've just got to nip back and get Monty.

- No rush.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- What?

- You coming or not?

- If you're not quite ready, I don't mind.

- That's Helga.

- Oh?

You can put your eyeballs back in.

I've invited her for supper tonight.

Foreign, is she?

No. She's a nun from Scunthorpe. Come on.

- That was lovely, Nikki.

- Mmm.

- It was nothing special.

- I enjoyed it. Now what?

I've got some yoghurt in the fridge.

- No, I meant what shall we do now?

- You decide.

Why don't we play a game? Hmm?

What about strip poker?

Oh, come on, it might be fun.

What do you say, Tom?

- No. He doesn't want to play.

- Oh, come on. Just for a giggle.

- Got any cards?

- Cards? Er, no.

Well, how about spinning

the bottle instead? Hmm?

Okay.

Well, I think I'll read my book.

We could always play strip ouija board,

if you'd prefer?

- Ouija board, what ouija board?

- No, let's spin the bottle.

I'll get it.

Where's Joe? I came to see him.

Oh, he's not in. He's out.

No. His taxi's here.

It's all right. He is expecting me.

Hello. I'm Carol. Carol Hotchkiss.

Joe's fiance.

I expect he's spoken of me.

Which is his room? That one?

Thank you, dear.

Carol! Listen, I can explain.

It's the third house along, on the right.

Number 42.

Right you are.

Do you want a hand with those?

Would you? Oh, thank you.

You can just put them down here.

Oh, that's all right.

I don't mind carrying them in for you.

That's very kind of you.

- I can't find my key.

- Are you sure?

- Perhaps it's in your bag, loose?

- I'll try.

It's not there.

- What about pockets?

- I haven't got any.

What am I going to do?

Perhaps you could go to a neighbour's

till your husband gets home.

He's away. On a business trip.

I can't even get hold of him.

Don't you have a spare somewhere?

- Yes, of course.

- Oh, well, then.

It's inside.

I thought you might have one

under a flower pot or something.

Harold, that's my husband,

Harold's nervous about burglars getting in.

All very well, but how do I get in?

I could try to climb in, I suppose.

But you'll have to help me.

You will, won't you?

I can't leave a lady in distress, can I?

Let's see if

there's a window open somewhere.

Oh, there won't be one of those.

Thank you.

You will be careful, won't you?

Safe as houses, darling.

Are you all right?

What's happened? Are you all right?

Say something, please.

What's happening up there?

I didn't know what had happened to you.

I called and called but you didn't answer.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I think so.

Look, you go down and

I'll open the front door.

I can't. I'm stuck.

What do you mean stuck?

Just go back down the way you came.

I can't. I daren't look down. I'll fall.

I'm frightened of heights.

Look, it's quite simple. If you can't

go down, you'd better come on up.

I can't move. I'm scared.

All right then, go back down

the way you came.

Help me.

All right. Now, don't panic. You're

quite safe. Just do as I say. Okay?

Now, put one hand on the next rung up.

Go on, one more.

Now the other one. Keep going. You're okay.

I'm watching you. Up a bit.

No, down, just a little.

Now, in towards the wall, that's it.

Go on, you're doing fine. Come on.

It's all right, you're nearly there.

That's it. Now, give me your hand. Lovely.

- I can't put my feet...

- Oh, you're doing wonderful.

There you go. You're there

- Through the window...

- Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, you're all wet.

I should have warned you.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I completely forgot.

- Yeah, well.

And of course, that's why

I left the window open,

to let the smell of paint out.

Oh, and look at your clothes.

They're covered in it.

Oh, you have to let me wash them for you,

you can't go out like that.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you to offer.

I think the least I can do

is clean your clothes

and give you a bath, don't you?

I do like huge bubbly ones, don't you?

- Yeah.

- That's about right, now.

- Oh, I can't wait to get in.

- Neither can I.

Bubbles make me go all tingly all over.

You as well?

Ooh, feels all lovely. All tingly.

What a way to go.

Marion?

Marion!

Marion, where are you?

Marion, you in the bath?

Ah! There you are.

Didn't you hear me shouting?

Oh, darling, what a lovely surprise.

I wasn't expecting you.

What a complete shambles. The whole trip.

Oh, you poor love.

Why don't you go downstairs,

put your feet up and pour yourself out

a nice long drink and I'll join you,

- you can tell me all about it.

- Well, there's nothing to tell.

The entire fiasco was predictable

from start to finish

and you know who's responsible, don't you?

- Well, I told them, I warned them.

- Yes, you did.

"You put Peters in as

Acting Managing Director

"and you've got nothing but trouble

on your hands, " I said.

He can't cope with responsibility,

he's got no initiative, runs a Ford Anglia

and doesn't play golf. You mark my words.

Well, I've been proved right yet again.

That's wonderful.

Now, why don't you just go downstairs...

Wonderful?

It's frustrating. Well, it's insulting.

Oh, I quite agree. Now, why don't you

just let me finish my bath

and I'll be straight with you?

Yes, I... I could do with a drink.

- What was that?

- Nothing.

Just knocked the plug, that's all.

Oh.

Oh, darling, can I get you anything?

- What?

- To drink.

- No, just go downstairs and I'll be...

- Marion, is it really necessary

to use all that much bubble bath?

You only bought this last week

and you've already finished it.

You really must be more careful in future.

I can't afford extravagance of this sort.

I mean, how you expect me

to raise your housekeeping allowance

in the face of such flagrant wastage,

I really don't know.

Really must pull yourself together, you

know. You're getting very careless lately.

Won't do, you know. No, won't do.

It's all right.

Marion, I meant to ask you, what on earth

have you been doing in the bedroom?

There's paint all over the place.

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