Adventures of a Taxi Driver Page #4

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Nikki!

- Nikki! Nikki!

- What?

Sand back, for God's sake. Stand back.

Why? What's happened?

It's a... In there.

- No, don't go any closer.

- No.

Don't be silly.

- But it's a...

- It's Monty.

Oh, don't touch it. They bite, you know.

They're poisonous!

Monty is a python and they don't bite.

Anyway, he wouldn't hurt anyone,

would you, Monty?

Are you trying to tell me...

- Is that thing yours?

- Well, of course it is.

And don't shout.

You'll upset him. He's very highly strung.

Well, what's he doing in my bath?

Where else could I put him?

Anyway, he likes it in the bath.

Keep that horrible thing away from me.

I'm telling you, you'll

have to get rid of it.

It's not staying here.

You'll have to get rid of it.

Get rid of it? I can't.

And even if I wanted to, which I don't,

- he's part of my act.

- Change your act.

Change my act?

Monty is a huge success

and you don't replace that in a hurry.

- Do you, darling?

- Oh, will you stop doing that?

Gives me the horrors, those beady

little eyes staring at me all the time.

I don't know why you're making such a fuss.

Give me his basket.

I don't know how you'd feel

if you found a snake in your bath.

I mean, I almost had a heart attack.

Are you sure that thing's

going to be safe in there?

Yes, of course he is.

Monty is very well behaved.

In you go. There we are.

- Hi, Gerry, Bill.

- Wotcha, Joe?

- Pick any winners, did you?

- No.

Oh, it's a mug's game, that.

You want to give it up, mate,

save your money.

- Hello, sexy.

- My money?

Might as well spend it on that

as anything else.

Better than throwing it away

on ruddy women all the time, like you.

What are you talking about?

I make them pay. That's the secret, mate.

Sex maniac, that's what you are.

You're just too old, mate,

that's your trouble.

Can't get it up any more.

From what I've heard,

you can't get yours down, mate.

- All part of me worldly charm, innit?

- Oh, that's what they call it, is it?

What's the matter with you, eh?

You forgotten what it's like?

He thinks he invented sex.

- Hello, Joe.

- Hello, Dora.

- Haven't seen you for a while.

- Been busy, ain't I?

Two dog rolls, two teas.

The way he carries on, I'm surprised

it ain't dropped off by now.

Go on. You're just jealous.

Like hell. You get to my age,

you've done it all, ain't you?

- I get to your age, I'll need to

have done. - Ah, get lost, mate.

You reckon that's all there is to this job,

don't you? Pulling birds.

What do you reckon it's all about, then?

You're all the bloody same.

Out on the road for a couple of years,

think you know it all.

- You'll find out.

- Yeah?

How's that dreadful brother of yours?

What? Peter? Dreadful.

- What do you fancy, then?

- What do you think?

- Give us a dog roll, will you?

- One dog roll.

He's going to get done one of these days,

the way he carries on.

More than likely.

Still, I shan't be there to see it.

Moved out. Couldn't stand it any longer.

Got me own place now.

- Moved in with Carol, have you?

- Not bloody likely.

Yeah? When are you going to

invite me round, then?

- Any time you like, darling.

- Well, I'm free tonight.

Funny you should say that. So am I.

- Pick you up about 7:00? Right?

- Right.

Joe, if I let you, you know...

You wouldn't think me cheap, would you?

Cheap? No, course not.

Drinking double gins all evening.

Course not. It's being emotionally honest.

What could be wrong with that?

Besides, with a fabulous figure

like you've got,

it'd be criminal to hide it away,

now, wouldn't it?

I'll tell you something, you've got

the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen.

Have I?

- I have dreams about them.

- You don't. Really?

I'll tell you something else, too,

they're even better with nothing on.

Oh, Joe...

Oh, Joe...

Oh, darling, you're fantastic.

But I haven't even got me trousers off yet.

Oh... Joe...

What a scene that was last night.

Makes you wonder

whether it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?

Just got to deliver this parcel.

Should be fairly straightforward.

I don't think I could take

any more excitement, not for a while.

Mrs Devere Barker? Parcel for you.

Mmm. Bring it in, would you?

Oh, if you'd just like to pop it down

over there.

I daren't touch it, you see. It's my nails.

- It's your what, love?

- Nails.

Tropical Green, number three.

Very exotic.

The second they're dry

I'll be able to pay you,

only I just daren't touch anything

while they're like this.

No, it's all right, you just stand there

and dry off.

- I'm in no hurry.

- Oh.

You wouldn't like a drink

while you're waiting, would you?

No, thanks, I'm driving.

But thanks all the same.

Not even a cold beer, something like that?

- Well, I wouldn't mind a beer actually.

- Oh, do help yourself.

Actually, darling, you couldn't do me

a large Campari and soda, could you,

while you're there?

Yeah.

- A large one?

- Yes, please.

- Say when.

- I never do.

Oh, be an angel, would you,

and just slip it between my lips?

Oh, the glass. Yes, of course.

- Sorry to put you to all this

inconvenience. - Don't mention it.

It's just I always seem to get caught out

when someone arrives.

Yesterday, it was the television repairman,

the day before it was the plumber

and as for the window cleaner,

well, every time he comes now,

- I seem to be in the bath.

- I see.

Oh, you wouldn't be an angel, would you,

and undo it for me?

It's for a dinner tonight.

My husband's in cement.

Oh? Must be uncomfortable for him.

It's a presentation dinner, you see,

so I thought I'd wear green

to go with my nail varnish.

- Very nice.

- Mmm.

Seems to be all right now.

You're not in a rush, are you?

It's just I'd like to try it on

to make sure it fits.

- No, no, of course not.

- Oh. Good.

Some gaff this, innit? Must cost a packet.

I bet she does and all.

Make yourself at home, won't you?

I shan't be long.

What about her, then? Bit of all right.

"Shan't be long. My husband's in cement."

Bloody hell.

Have you lost something?

Balls. They fell off.

Oh. Never mind.

You couldn't give me a hand with the zip,

could you?

It seems to be stuck

and I don't want to break a nail on it.

These birds and their zips.

- Jesus.

- It's a bit stiff.

It won't be the only thing

if she carries on like this.

Yeah, I see what you mean,

it is stuck, isn't it?

Maybe if you pull it?

That had crossed my mind.

- Have you done it?

- Yeah, I think so.

Oh. Seems a bit loose.

Oh. Look at that. Just look at it.

That's just so typical

of today's workmanship.

That's the last dress I

shall buy from there.

- Yeah, disgraceful.

- Now, what shall I do?

Well, it was the only thing I

could think of, wasn't it?

Another satisfied customer.

And the dress did fit after all.

Six pound!

I suppose I can't really ask her

for me fare now.

I promised that Nikki

I'd pick her up from the club.

Mustn't be late in case

she sets that snake on to me.

This is the one, I think.

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