Against The Current Page #4

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-Do you know what we're eating tonight?

-Nope. My aunt will be making dinner.

-There'll be an aunt there?

-Yep. My cousin, also. The whole gang.

You don't sound too enthused.

You sure you want to do this?

We can always stay at a motel, if you want.

We'll be fine.

(THUDDING)

F*** me!

What are the chances your mother

will have homemade sticky buns

-waiting for us at the house?

-Near zero.

-What are the chances your stepfather will...

-Mother's boyfriend!

What are the chances your mother's

boyfriend will commit homosexual rape

upon my person?

(CAR HONKING)

Your taxi's here!

Hi, Mom!

Now, that one was built by a prosperous

Dutch merchant in the 1800s.

Made an absolute fortune in imports.

Unfortunately, his grandson frittered it all

away and it had to be sold a few years back.

-JEFF:
That's too bad.

-Yes, a shame.

You used to play with his grandson, Liz.

Do you remember?

We used to smoke pot by the river

in high school, if that's what you mean.

Oh, don't be sassy!

And what about you, Seth?

What does your family do?

-Jeff.

-What?

-Jeff.

-MOM:
Jeff.

Forgive me, Jeff.

So what does your family do?

My mother's a college professor, retired,

and my father is a physician.

Oh! A doctor. That must've come in handy

when you got the flu.

Ha! Actually, he was the kind of guy

who was so wrapped up in his work

and research and whatever else,

you could be walking around the house

with a bloody stump and he wouldn't notice.

My aunt had a leg amputated

and believe me, Jeff, you'd notice.

Right. l mean, he probably would have

noticed something like that.

And what do you do?

JEFF:
Actor. Bartender.

Et vous?

Et vous?

Hey! Hello? What's your background?

My father was a lawyer.

My mother was a homemaker.

They both died.

Aw, lord. Plane crash?

PAUL:
No, no. Cancer. Natural causes.

They both had good lives.

Thank goodness for small favors, huh?

PAUL:
Yeah.

That house is amazing.

The Williams.

More divorce and alcoholism in that family

than l care to discuss.

Troubled family, huh?

l don't want to discuss it. Please.

The youngest is in jail, if you can believe it.

And the middle one is a... A gay.

Oh, look at that one. That is huge!

The Vanderhooks.

Their money came from the railroads.

They had nine children.

Seven.

Well, l never counted.

Mostly boys, it seemed.

And poor Emily.

Oh, she died so tragically young.

Not that the father seemed to mind.

No, he had a new wife by the end of the year.

She couldn't have been a day over 21.

She did not wear a bra.

(LIZ LAUGHING)

You think that's funny?

Not wearing a bra is ha-ha funny?

No, not the lack of bra, in and of itself, no.

Well, let me tell you,

there was nothing funny about it.

Teenage wife,

prancing around in front of 12 boys

with no bra on all day!

So when does school start, dear?

The Wednesday after Labor Day.

l heard they were making

the children in New York City

start school in August these days,

because they were so hopelessly

behind in their studies.

-lt's not true.

-Hmm.

Do you think they should start in August?

Or even July?

Right, like she's really going to be

in favor of teaching all summer.

(MOM CLEARING THROAT)

Paul, we never did get to what it is you do.

That is, when you're not

swimming the Amazon,

or crossing the Great Ponds.

l've been writing for a business magazine.

Mostly personal investments,

money markets, IRAs, that kind of thing.

That sounds like a drag.

Suzanne...

No. Actually, she's right. It's... It isn't fun.

Well, maybe this little vacation

will re-energize you and you can go back

to work with a whole new attitude.

Not that l would want to write

a financial column.

Or even read one.

-l'm not going back to work.

-AUNT KAREN:
No?

Oh? Well, what's next?

Riding a bicycle to the Yukon?

PAUL:
Uh...

Nothing, really.

MOM:
Nothing?

PAUL:
Not really.

People don't just do nothing, Paul.

(WHISPERING) You have to do something.

Well, actually, if you really want to know,

l'm going to kill myself.

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

He's joking. He's...

These guys have a real

deadpan sense of humor.

Bedpan?

Deadpan.

Bedpan, too.

PAUL:
Oh, l'm not joking.

But if you'd rather not discuss it, which is

more than fine with me, let's not.

Please. Let's do.

(STAMMERING)

What is all this nonsense

about killing yourself?

Why?

Because l've lived my life.

Uh-huh. You're all of 21 years old!

Thirty-five, actually.

Well, l don't care if you're 36.

It's still a poor reason to commit suicide.

AUNT KAREN:
She's right, Paul.

Suicide is not the answer to anything.

Particularly growing older.

lf it was, we'd all be dead.

(CHUCKLING)

Look, l'm way over 21,

and you don't see me committing suicide.

l'm no spring chicken either,

and l'm still here.

You know what? l'm...

l'm sorry l brought this up.

l'm sorry.

Good luck closing that barn door.

lt actually was a ioke, okay?

l'm not going to kill myself.

l'm sorry l said that. l'm sorry.

Um... l was just making conversation.

l do not like those boys.

Which one are you dating?

l'm not dating either of them, Mom.

l iust hate to see you throw yourself into

the arms of the first man who smiles at you

just because you're getting older.

Do yourself a favor.

Forget about marriage and children.

It's not worth the sacrifice.

-Thanks.

-Oh, stop with that!

You know what l'm saying.

You gotta look out for number one,

which is you,

not some man.

l'll tell you something.

l don't give Pasthule a thing, until l got my...

(WHISPERS) You know what.

l really don't want to discuss this.

Uh, yeah, l think she does some good work

with the right roles.

l didn't say she was better than you,

just she does what she does.

And no, l don't think she's prettier than you.

Well, yeah, she's younger.

l mean, that's just a fact.

Right.

No, she's not.

We'll talk about this when l get home, okay?

Yes, l gotta get off the phone.

'Cause it's not polite to talk for an hour

on the phone at someone's house.

Yeah, whatever, 20 minutes.

Yes, definitely.

Uh, no, nothing's wrong.

l don't know what you perceive in my voice,

but everything's fine.

l'll call you soon. Bye.

High maintenance!

So you're an actor, huh?

Have l seen you in anything?

Other than the dining room during dinner?

l doubt it.

Unless you happened to be living

in the Phoenix-Scottsdale area

a few years back,

where you would certainly recognize me

from the Lem's Auto Insurance ad

as the poor bastard

who slams his car into a hearse.

lt ran all the time.

l think l missed that one.

Well, l have it on tape.

Be happy to send it to you.

l could even autograph the, uh, tape sleeve.

You know that self-deprecating humor

is usually used

as a defense mechanism for those

with actual low self-esteem, right?

That would be me.

Which doesn't mean it isn't funny.

Thanks.

But what l'm really good at

is bartending.

Hmm, someone's gotta make the drinks, huh?

Yeah, l guess so.

So, uh...

What do you study in college?

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