Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa Page #9

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think again -

because we're gonna get up in your face.

Great.

With a big fat slice of road show radio

right here, right now.

The time is 1:
27.

This is John Farnham

and The Voice.

The Voice

Today we're asking, why do

people keep their eggs in the fridge?

Once again, why do people insist

on keeping their eggs in the fridge?

And can a binman reasonably expect

a Christmas tip

when he has point-blank refused

to dispose of a broken toaster?

- Good question!

- And that can be today's large question.

Large question.

Oh, and we have some travel news.

There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.

That'll be due to wacky blokes

on a big yellow bus.

It's competition time, and

we 're playing pairs.

- Sid on line two. Black and...

- Decker.

- Spick and...

- Span.

- Hall and...

- Oates.

- Egg and...

- Bacon.

Oh, it was gammon!

Can I just say, I

think Goredale are awful.

Yeah, they are bastards.

That's why I've washed my hands of them.

You know what I say?

I always say, "What doth it profit a man if

he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"

And people seem to like that.

They really do.

You're the voice,

try and understand it

Make a noise and make it clear

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh

Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!

We're not gonna sit in silence

We're not gonna live with fear

Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh

It looks like you've

touched a nerve, Pat.

These are my listeners, Alan,

ordinary working people.

They're not working, it's the middle of the day.

Unless they're on exi-time.

Oh, look. I used to live in one

of those after my divorce.

TV, kitchen - very nice.

Hey, people, I'm looking

at a picture of Goredale Media.

Honestly, look at that bunch

of corporate mercenaries.

What's wrong with doing radio

for the love of radio?

They would do anything

for 30 pieces of silver.

You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.

Radio for the love of radio.

- Sponsored by Castrol.

Just gonna use the loo.

- Alan?

- Hi.

Alan, I want to talk to you.

Alan?

Oh, hi, Pat.

Alan, how did you even get in there?

Um... I just removed an aluminium panel.

Slid straight in.

- Er... textbook. It's good, isn't it?

- Your voice sounds funny.

I think the conical shape of the toilet's turned

it into a sort of a compact amphitheatre.

- It's weird.

- It is, Pat. It's bizarre.

It is and was a failed escape attempt, a

sort of a Shitshank Redemption, if you will.

Ah. The Armitage Shank Redemption, eh?

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!

I'm laughing like a drain and I'm in one.

Shake hands, Pat. Friends.

Friends, Pat, friends.

Friends? I know what you did,

you f***ing snake.

- "Just sack Pat."

- Huh?

- You're as bad as the rest of them.

- Pat, be reasonable.

Before you think of shooting anyone,

just for a second think,

what would drive a man to incarcerate

himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic.

- I'm not going to shoot you.

- Thank God for that. That's good news.

Sweet mother of God, no.

Oh, angels and saints preserve us!

Dear God, let them be firm!

Help!

Stop the bus!

- What's that?

- It's a septic tank. You can have it.

Oh... not again!

Damn gypsies tampered with the sights.

Trust me, Susan.

Ow! Jesus!

Suspect is on Cromer...

You're a f***ing clown, Alan.

Ah. Hi, Pat.

I trusted you, Alan.

I thought we were friends.

- But you let me down.

- Well, I...

- You got me sacked.

- Over here! Pat!

Look!

Oh, sh*t!

What was that?

I think it was supposed to be

some sort of distraction. Yeah.

- Brave but pointless.

- Excuse me?

Oh, God, get back inside. Quick, now!

- We want to get down there.

- Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off.

- Where were we?

- I got you sacked.

- Yeah, you let me down.

- Pat, listen to me.

- I've got this.

- Pardon?

- I said, I've got this.

- How long is it going to go on for?

- Shut up!

- He's telling you to shut up.

- Calm down.

- Didn't get that.

- Too close to your mouth.

- Calm down.

- It's too close to your mouth!

- Did you get that?

What?

She's saying, if you put your air ries

back, you won't be in too much trouble.

- This is a shotgun.

- This is an air rie. That's a shotgun.

We'll leave you to it.

I surrender.

Pat?

Pat?

- I brought Molly to this pier.

- Happy times.

I scattered her ashes here.

Ah.

Buried at sea.

Like Bin Laden.

And now here we are.

The circle of life.

Cirque du Soleil.

Turn your head away.

Let's just calm down.

- Pat, come on.

- Turn your head away.

- Pat, listen to me...

- Pat, you're scaring me.

- I won't ask again.

- Pat, I need you to stay calm.

Turn your head away.

Maybe I didn't love you,

quite as often as I could have

What are you doing?

Maybe I didn't treat you,

quite as good as I should have

Stop it!

And if I made you feel second best

Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

But you were always on my mind

You were always on my mind

Maybe I...

- Pat, are you ready to...

Shut up, you dick!

Pat, what are you doing?

: I want to be with Molly.

What?

I want to be with Molly.

- Pat, don't do this.

- Pat, don't do this!

Unbelievable.

- I can't reach the trigger.

- Pat, come on.

Would you do it for me?

Yeah, course I will, mate.

Course I will.

It's over, Pat.

No more hurting.

Ow!

Aaargh!

You f***ing idiot!

Sh*t.

- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.

- They've blown me to bits, Lynn.

I feel cold.

It's all right, Alan. God is with us.

We had some mad times, didn't we, Lynn?

There's some blood coming from my mouth,

Lynn.

- It's just spit.

- Is it? Oh, yeah.

- Alan, I'm really sorry.

- It's all right, Pat.

- You've still got the gun!

- Aargh!

Was I a good man, Lynn?

Was I a kind man?

Very kind.

I remember when you were defrosting your

freezer and you gave me all that bacon.

I'm ready, Lynn.

I think I'm ready.

Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull.

Have you come to take my spirit away?

Go, gull!

Gull... gull... gull.

What are you doing?

I'm watching it y off.

It's weird, Lynn.

Yours will be the last face I ever see.

- Oh, good.

- Hi there. You're gonna be OK.

- I've been shot in the heart.

- Your heart's there. It's your shoulder.

No, that... that's my heart. Ow!

- Can I have my job back now?

- Yeah, if you want.

Always On My Mind

Maybe I didn't love you

How long have

you been a paramedic?

- About four years.

- Right.

And do you start in St John's Ambulance

and then work your way up

or are they separate organisations?

- They're separate...

- She can answer for herself, Lynn.

- They are separate organisations.

- Right.

- Are you courting?

- Well...

Not you, Lynn!

North Norfolk's best music mix.

We've had a letter

from Louise in Thetford,

who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth

of people poking fun at garden gnomes.

They may be small and strange-faced, but they

bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people."

Now, that's a letter, once upon a time

I would have found offensively dull.

- Yeah.

- Not now.

So maybe everything that happened

has changed you.

I think I have changed a little bit.

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