Alice in Wonderland Page #2

Why're we growing cucumbers, Pat?

Because they're green, your worship.

I thought so... Now tell me,

Pat, what's that in the window?

Let's have a look. Hang on a sec.

That's an arm your worship!

An arm! Whoever saw an arm that size?

No-one, but sure, it's still an arm.

Well it's no business there... remove it!

Me, your worship?

Yes, you. Are you a coward?

Oh no, not at all...

I might have coward's legs but

the rest of me's brave as a lion.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Well then you do it!

I'm too rich, I can't afford to die.

Will somebody please help me?

I'm stuck!

I'm stuck!

Why won't anyone help

me? I can't do it by myself!

Why do you keep failing

like that. Your honour?

I like it!

- Oh help me up.

- Oh, right so.

Here take me right hand, there we go...

No that... That's me right hand!

Oooo, ooo. Bill!

Hello!

You're needed, lad!

What's the matter, sirs?

The Master's got a terrible case of the 'falls'!

Get a ladder!

Oh! Right.

Now be careful with the ladder, lad

You might... hit... Oh!

Oh...

Sorry sir!

Oh. Put the ladder up against the house.

Oh, yes, yes that's good.

Now climb up.

What for?

You've got to get on the roof, slide down

the chimney and see who's in the house.

Why?

Because I can't get through

the door or windows.

Ah now sir, that's a mighty clever idea.

But you see, I've got a

bad back for chimneys.

I inherited it from my mother.

We've always had terrible

backs for chimneys!

Oh you do it, Bill!

Who me?

Yes you!

Oh... alright then.

Quick. Hurry!

Now careful, Bill, there's a loose

slate up there somewhere.

Ah, good man, you've found it!

Pat, tell him to climb down the chimney.

Bill.

Ow.

...climb down the chimney!

He shouldn't do that?!

Not down the chimney... don't try it!

Ya-hoo!

There goes Bill.

Oh. Oh dear.

Bill! Bill! What happened, lad?

Hold up his head... here's brandy

Ah thank you, your worship

Not you!

Ah sorry, purely medicinal, runs in the family.

What happened, Bill?

Well something comes at me,

like a Jack-in-the-box, and then

up I goes like a sky-rocket.

Spoken like a true Irishman, Bill.

I don't like the look of this.

There's nothing for it!

We must burn down the house!

Good thinking, your worship.

Would you like me to sing

some melodies of Old Ireland?

No, just burn down the house!

Oh, no you don't!

You're not burning down

this house while I'm inside!

Ha ha. A barrow full should do!

Ready, aim...

Fire!

Ah, stop it. You'd better not do that again!

Hmm.

They're not real pebbles

They're soft like sponge cakes...

Now I must go and find that lovely garden.

No one will think of looking for me there.

Everything seems different from down here.

I have to keep looking up.

I'm sure little people must

get very bad neck strain.

It's enough to make a cat bark.

I used to read fairy tales,

I never thought I would end

up in the middle of one.

There ought to be a book written about me.

Maybe when I grow up I'll write one.

Sir.

Sir, who do I have the honour of addressing?

Major Caterpillar, ribbon and bar...

Late of "Her Majesty's Foot and Light"...

A true son of England and it's flag what...

Who're you?

I don't really know.

If you don't, I don't!

I know who I was this morning

but I think I've been changed

several times since then.

Explain yourself or you'll

find yourself on a charge.

Well, I can't explain myself, sir,

because I'm not myself, you see.

No, I don't see.

Everyone should be the

right size, shouldn't they.

But I've been so many different

sizes in one day it's very confusing.

Why?

Well, if you were to change...

into a butterfly say you'd find

it quite strange, wouldn't you?

Not a bit of it! Nothing's strange to me!

I don't think you should talk to me like that.

Like what?

In short sentences.

Oh, ah a ooo-

All I know is that it's very disturbing,

sometimes I start crying.

Why?

Because I don't remember

things like I used to

and I can't keep the same

size for ten minutes together.

That's a rum do.

I'd keep an eye on it if I were you...

Can't remember what things exactly?

Songs and poems.

Gad, it's worse than having a beri-beri.

Umm, recite "You Are Old, Father William".

Stand up, girl... you can't sing

or recite without standing up.

Well that's just it... I don't want to!

No, no elbows all wrong.

Tuck'em in! Tuck'em in!

Good! Try and keep in tune!

"You are old, Father

William", the Young Man said

"And your hair has become very white;

And yet you incessantly stand on your head.

Do you think, at your

age, this is right?" Hmm?

I don't know if you were trying for the

"Paganini Variations" for voice and trumpet,

but you missed five verses.

Some of the words did get a little altered.

Young lady, it was wrong

from beginning to end.

And you can't get wronger than that!

I'm afraid that's what always

happens when I have to perform!

You mustn't be afraid, that's

worse than not remembering.

Oh... dear!

What size do you want to be?!

Speak up! Speak up!

I don't care about the size,

just so long as I'm not changing

all the time, you know.

No, I don't know.

There you go again with short sentences!

There you go, losing your temper.

It's against Queens Regulations!

Do you like your size right now?

I'd like to be little taller...

this is a terrible height to be.

Terrible?! Gad, woah!

One side will make you taller and

the other side will make you shorter.

One side of what?

The mushroom...

that's what it's there for...

everything has a purpose even here.

Thank you, Major.

Ha ha ha ha ha...

One side makes me taller.

The other side will make me shorter.

I wonder which one is which.

Mmmm...

I think I'll keep these, they

may come in handy later.

That looks respectable,

I wonder if they'll be able

to give me directions...

For the Duchess, an invitation

from the Queen to play croquet.

From the Queen, an invitation

for the Duchess to play croquet.

An invitation to play croquet,

from the Queen, for the Duchess.

I've got the gist.

Are you sure?

Yes, it's an invitation from the Queen

for the Duchess to play croquet.

Hm, I wouldn't put it quite like

that, but it'll have to do I suppose.

It's no good you knocking like that.

Why not?

Two good reasons.

One, because I'm on the same

side of the door as you...

Oh yes.

Two, they're making so much

noise inside, no-one can hear you.

But how am I going to get inside?

That is the question.

The problem. You might even

say, the conundrum or riddle.

Yes, I might.

There'd be some sense in you

knocking if we had a door between us.

I could go and get a spare door

but that would take too long.

On the other hand, if you

were inside the house,

you could knock, and I could let you out...

Knock, knock...

This way out, Madame.

But I don't want to go out, I want to go in!

Of course, but if you did want

to go out it'd be much easier.

Meanwhile, I'm going to

sit here until tomorrow.

Or the next day perhaps,

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