Alice in Wonderland Page #4

Well I have.

We used to be very good friends...

We served the Empire, in many a distant

post before they all got woodworm.

But we quarreled last March...

just before he went mad.

Flatterer!

It was at the great concert

given by the Queen of Hearts!

Quick, stop him, he's going to sing... too late!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

How terribly sweet of you.

And now for a little encore I'd like to a

song entitled "Auntie's Wooden Leg".

Maestro, if you please...

"Oh Auntie's wooden

leg, Auntie's wooden leg.

We'll paint it red and call

it Fred or Ned or Ted.

Oh, Auntie's wooden leg.

Auntie's wooden leg.

Everybody said it was well and truly

dead, oh Auntie's wooden leg...

I say, I say, I say!"

How dare you interrupt my

song with "I say, I say, I say!"

I say, I say, I say...

In this world it's not what you

know, but who you know.

I don't know either one of them.

Kindly leave the stage by the red door.

There's a fifty foot drop on the other side!

But we're still good friends...

Dohh!

Auntie's wooden ohh...

Uh ha, oh dear dear dear dear dear.

Auntie's wooden leg.

Aunties wooden leg, we'II...

That's enough of that... or she'll walk out.

That's what the audience did at the concert.

Try another song.

We're desperate men.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat.

How I wonder what you're at!

Up above the world you fly.

Like a tea-tray in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle, little twinkle,

You don't speak but you will twinkle.

Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, little bee,

Twinkle, twinkle,

I'm so glad it isn't me...

Lovely isn't it? It could

almost pass for singing.

"Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..."

Anyway, I'd hadn't finished the

second verse at the concert

when the Queen bawls out...

"He's murdering the tunc!

Off with his head!"

How terrible for you.

You're very understanding for a small girl.

Anyway, if you'll pardon the expression,

Time took offence to our performance.

Uh - your performance!

And ever since then he won't do a

thing we ask... he stopped time.

Could he stop time for me?

I have to sing a song.

Oh wonderful! We're all performers here.

The roar of the greasepaint,

the smell of the crowd...

nothing like it!

But I don't want to!

Don't want to perform?

- It's unnatural.

- No, no, no. Stage fright.

I remember my first performance,

I shook so much my hat fell off.

If Time stopped time for you,

he could stop time for me.

But he only stops time at tea-time.

So it's always tea-time here?

Tell us a story.

I don't know any.

Then Dormy will.

Wake up, Dormy!

Ahhrgh! I wasn't asleep.

Oh no... I heard every

word you fellows said...

Tell us a story!

Please do!

And do it quick, otherwise you'll fall

asleep before you've finished it.

Once upon a time there were three sisters,

Elsie, Lacie and Tillie and they

lived at the bottom of a well.

What did they live on?

What did they live on? Treacle!

That would've made them ill.

It did. It made them very ill.

Have some more tea!

More tea! More tea!

I've had nothing yet so I can't have more!

You mean you can't have less.

It's very easy to have more than nothing.

Especially if you're poor.

I'd still like to know why they

lived at the bottom of the well?

Ah, oh well, it was a treacle-well!

A treacle well?! There's no such thing!

Disgraceful! You'll hear from

my solicitor in the morning!

Outrageous! What about a

letter to the "The Times"?!

If you can't be civil you can

finish the story yourself.

No, no... I'm sorry...

I won't interrupt you again...

I'm sure there must be,

at least, one treacle-well.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes... so these three

sisters were learning to draw...

Draw what?

Treacle!

Hole in one!

I want another clean cup... everyone move!

What I don't understand is,

how they could draw treacle?

You can draw water out of

a water-well, can't you?

Good one, Hatty! Good one!

I don't think I like this Tea Party

as much as I thought I would.

Then you shouldn't talk, just hum...

because we know you socially, Alice.

It doesn't mean we're going to

introduce you to our friends.

We haven't got any.

But if we had!

Ah, if we had!

I'm no staying here

listening to you being rude!

You'll find better places for that I'm sure!

Of course she will, if she's lucky!

Besides it's going to rain.

It never rains but it pours.

If it does, we carry on... we're

little heroes, aren't we, Dormy?

Officer, these men are criminals!

Who's got his ear trumpet?!

It's the most stupid

tea-party I've ever been to.

I told you he wouldn't fit.

He'll fit, we have to try harder.

I heard that... try harder.

Oh ah. No that's my nose.

No mind my ears...

That's curious...

Hmm... This time I'll manage things better.

Mmm...

At last. The perfect place to hide.

Oh look out there, Mr Five,

you're splashing paint!

I couldn't help it, Mr Two,

Mr Seven jogged my elbow.

Oh that's right, shifting

the responsibility again!

Ha, you can talk.

I heard the Queen say you

deserved to be beheaded.

What for?

Tulip-roots.

What?

For bringing the Cook

tulip-roots instead of onions.

Is that all?

That's a mistake anyone can make!

Hello...

Hello!

Why are you painting the roses red?

The fact is, Miss, this tree ought by

rights to've been a red rose-tree,

and we planted a white one by mistake.

Easy thing to do.

Yes.

If the Queen was to find out...

well, the fact is we'd all

have our heads cut off.

So you see, Miss, we're doing

our best to put things right.

Before she comes.

Ah! She's coming now!

The Queen! The Queen!

Left right, left right, left right, left,

Halt!

And who is this?

I agree entirely.

Don't be ridiculous!

Would I lie to you, Your Majesty?

Yes.

Oh well thank you, compliments

are always welcome.

You're an idiot!

That's right your Majesty.

Only you could spot that,

it takes one to know one.

A complete idiot!

Your name, child?

Alice, if it please Your Majesty.

Why have we stopped?

And who are these?

How should I know? I'm a stranger here.

Off with her head!

Off with her head!

Off with her her head!

Stop losing your temper... it's vulgar!

Consider, my dear, she's just a child.

You think so?

Yes that would account for it.

Children have no respect

for their betters these days.

You three get up!

Stop doing that! You're making me dizzy!

What is this?

If you please Your Majesty, we're trying...

Yes, you are aren't you...

Very trying... ha ha ha...

Off with their heads.

I won't let you be beheaded.

Quick jump in here.

Do you play croquet?

Who, me?!

Yes, you!

I'm not in the habit of talking to myself

if that's the only way I can get an

intelligent conversation round here...

Can you play Croquet?

Yes.

Come on then!

Nice day.

Very... Where's the Duchess?

Oh - Hush... Hush...

she's due to be executed.

Get to your places!

Don't look at me... look down.

Off with his head.

Off with her head.

Off with her head.

I don't like it here... they're too

fond of beheading people...

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