Alistair McHarg Requests the Pleasure of Your Company Page #4

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I can

Oh, God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

No, Anderson. It's okay.

Turn around.

So what did your mom say?

Oh, yeah. Well, she...

I was thinking that we could go over there

and meet them before we...

Get married?

If you want to put a label on it.

Great, 'cause I told my mom

we'd go over to visit her tomorrow, too.

Great. That's great.

I was thinking we could take a bus over

to my folks' house.

- I like buses.

- That's good. 'Cause it's a bus. It's a bus.

Minty.

Well, that's toothpaste for you.

That's just classic toothpaste.

Oh, God!

- It's in my eye! It hurts!

- I'm sorry. I swallowed some. Sorry.

It's really burning.

Did you wanna go in...

The bathroom's right there.

- Where?

- Yup, this way. Yes. Yeah, you got it.

Maybe I should go out

and get some saline solution.

No. I'm fine.

Yeah, but maybe I should go, you know,

get some saline

or eye drops or something.

No, really.

I'll go get some saline.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

- Okay. Slow down. What's the problem?

I think she wants to have sex with me.

I'm gonna call 911.

I'm so embarrassed.

I mean, I feel like such an idiot.

- Maybe you just came on a little strong.

- Oh, God.

A couple hours ago, she was moving in.

All your problems were solved,

rainbows were shooting out of your ass.

What happened?

Nothing. Nothing. She's great. She's great.

It's just...

What?

- What would Vanessa say? Huh?

- Oh, buddy.

I was just trying to be spontaneous,

you know?

He probably thinks I'm such a freak.

No. Trust me. You're not a freak.

Hold on. Help. Help. Help me.

I've got to go. He's here.

- Hi.

- Hi. Hi.

They were out of saline,

so I got you some Q-tips

and some zit cream.

So you can do with that what you please.

How's your head?

- Oh, sorry.

- No, it's okay.

My eye is fine.

Right. How's your eye?

- It's fine.

- Good.

Wow.

- Wowee.

- Wowee dowee doo.

Doowee wowie booby.

Well, I think we better get to bed.

I think it's time for...

Not... I mean, not that kind of bed.

Not that kind of bed.

I mean... I mean, like,

sleepy time. Sleepy bed.

'Cause...

'Cause I... You know.

'Cause your eye and my head and...

Well, if we have

any more physical contact,

I think one of us might actually die. So...

So the weekend

came and went

- I'm sorry. Sorry.

- It's all right.

- Go back to sleep. I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

Sunday afternoon's

a memory

She was just lying there

Sleeping softly in a chair

Are you almost ready?

I told Mom we'd be there in,

like, half an hour.

She's gonna love you!

Fourth word!

You're holding hands.

You're holding hands.

You're with friends. You're skip...

Wizard of Oz! The Wizard of Oz!

Diving? The Greg Louganis Story?

Flashdance!

Airplane!

Him?

Her? When a Man Loves a Woman!

Sound of Music!

Philadelphia!

Deep Throat! Deep Throat!

Oh, sorry.

Okay. You know what?

You know what, dear?

We give up. Why don't you just tell us?

- That was The Apple Dumpling Gang.

- Oh.

It's not an easy one. So...

It was really good.

Thanks. Thanks. Thank you.

I'm sorry... Thanks.

- You're so good. Yeah. It was hard.

- I thought it...

- I thought it made sense.

- It was good.

- It was a tough one, so...

- Yeah.

And then a few years ago,

I was in a toy store and I had a thought.

What if there was a line of stuffed animals

specifically for Jewish children?

And that's when the Jewnicorn was born.

Listen.

Well, Anderson, what do you think?

Wow.

Wow.

I think it's very...

Specific.

In a good way, of course.

So, Anderson, what is it you do?

Oh, Anderson's

between jobs right now, Mom.

- Oh, he's between jobs?

- Yeah.

I see.

You know, maybe you'd like

to go downstairs to the basement

and see where Stuart makes

all his little toys.

- Mom, no. Why?

- Well, yeah. Yes, yeah.

Oh, I think he'd be interested.

Especially if you like googly eyes.

- As a matter of fact, I do like googly eyes.

- Okay.

That does it. Follow me, young man.

Santa's not the only one with a workshop.

- Wow.

- What do you think?

- What is this?

- Jewla-Hoop.

Doesn't really work.

Kind of like you, right, Anderson?

William.

I thought you two should speak.

I've been here this whole time.

Been watching you with him.

I mean, what do you even see

in that loser?

He doesn't even know

how to do The Apple Dumpling Gang.

Apple. Dump. Ling. Gang.

That's The Apple Dumpling Gang, okay?

That's the motherfucking

Apple Dumpling Gang!

William, you are really,

really good at charades,

and nobody can ever take that

away from you.

I had a whole life planned for us.

You know, a big house, three kids,

two boys and a girl, you know?

I know.

Conner, Tanner and Ashley. I'm sorry.

I'm not gay.

What?

What?

- I think you should go.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay. I'll go.

But this ball isn't over, Cinderella.

'Cause, oh...

Oh, I'm still dancing.

Do you hear me? I'm still dancing!

Check it.

I'm still dancing. Who's still dancing?

I'm a dancing fool, yeah!

Did you hear that?

Got it.

We should get going, 'cause

we're gonna see Anderson's parents.

- I'll grab our jackets.

- Okay.

Okay, well, this has been fun.

So, thank you.

I think they really liked you.

I do, I could tell.

Especially my mom. My mom loved you.

- Really?

- Yeah, definitely.

'Cause I got the impression

she thought I was a loser.

Why would you say that?

When you were in the bathroom,

your mom said she thought I was a loser.

I thought you were great.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Well, I think you're pretty great, too.

- Sorry.

- Do you want to sit down?

Okay. Thanks.

- Thank you.

- Sure thing.

May I?

Wow.

Anderson, you have to feel this.

Okay.

Wow. I think I felt a kick.

Do you mind if I take a listen?

Wow.

- When are you due?

- I'm not pregnant.

This is my stop.

Getting off, getting off, getting off!

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

- I feel terrible.

- That is your fault.

- Oh, my God.

- That is your fault.

Anderson!

Hey, there, skipper! Hey!

Who's the good-looking potato?

Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Katie, my...

- Fiancee.

- My fiancee.

Fiancee?

Well...

- Well...

- Congratulations!

Hot dog! Hot dog, I say! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

I think Monitor approves, too.

The dog!

Should we go inside?

I've got to hand it to you, skipper.

She's a peach.

Yeah. I guess you think

I'm being pretty foolish, huh?

Why should I think that?

Because I just met Katie,

and we hardly know each other.

You've got your whole lives

to get to know each other.

- What if I don't like what I get to know?

- Oh, that's just nerves talking.

I remember just before I got married,

your grandpa and I walked our dog,

had a little conversation

about the birds and the bees.

I tell you,

when he told me what he told me,

I just about fell down.

Yeah.

I think I pretty much know everything

about that stuff, Dad.

Oh, of course you do. Of course you do.

You're a grown man.

About time

that I started treating you like one.

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