All About the Money Page #4

---

Come on, now.

Well, hiya, Christopher.

Come on, son, sit down!

How'd you like to fly the plane?

Man, are you serious? I don't

know how to fly no plane.

Oh, you old devil, you!

Come on, son!

You're white, you can do

anything you put your mind to.

Well, all right.

I'm trippin'

Trippin' inside and slippin'

along with my mind

Trippin' inside and havin'

a wonderful time

You're on peyote!

Heh-heh-heh!

Yeah, I can get used

to this white sh*t.

Hmm.

Credit score done went up.

Hah. Yeah.

Nooooooo!

After a long flight,

our hapless heroes arrive

in Colombia, South America,

which should be

very interesting,

as Vincent and Chris

believe that Colombia

is just another city in Mexico.

Whoa!

You got him?

Yep.

Oh, man!

Prop him up against here.

Man, what is this?

Ain't no black people here, man.

You lied.

I don't know

about this sh*t, but...

That is not what it looks like

in the picture, right?

- It says five stars. -Man, this ain't

one star. This ain't a quarter moon.

This place is nasty, man.

All right, let's go.

- Uh, what about Kurt, man?

- What about him, man?

We're in a foreign country,

they love Americans.

Dude'll be fine.

We're Americans!

Three rooms, please.

- Three rooms?

- Qu necesitas?

Qu necesitas?

Something about a K and sisters.

Ah, necesitas una habitacin

para alquilar?

Slo tenemos una.

- I don't know, bro.

- You better know, man.

You've been reading that damn

Mexican travel guide

ever since you was on

the damn plane.

Now, figure this sh*t out, man.

It doesn't say anything

about ordering a room, dude.

It says, like, f***in' plants

and soccer and sh*t, that's it.

- Like Escobar, you'd give him a

room, wouldn't you? -Escobar?

Yeah, Escobar.

Like the soccer player.

Like goal!

IDios mo!

What the f*** did you

just do, Vincent?

I don't know.

Andrs Escobar

is Colombia's best soccer

player, says it right there.

Man, let me see this.

No damn wonder. This is 1992.

This motherfucking magazine

is 20 years old.

No wonder she didn't understand

what the f*** you talkin' about.

- What is that?

- Get y'alls skins!

- Hey, yo, man, look!

- It's a midget with a gat.

You're Americans?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

we're cool, right? Americans.

Why you singing praises

to Pablo Escobar?

We ain't praisin' nobody

but the Lord.

We're God's children.

We were sent here

to build a small mission

for the Lord... mission...

for Jesus's children.

And we don't know

Pablo Escobar, bro.

Put the gun down, please.

Forgive her, she's getting

senile in her later years.

All right.

Three rooms.

Twenty American dollars.

Only have one room and one bed.

The hell with that.

Come on, $20?

Just get the room, man.

Little dude's got a gat.

We can get

another hotel tomorrow.

We only accept cash.

You got a spa?

It's never easy informing

one of your friends

that while he was in

a drug-induced coma,

his marriage ended.

But hey, what are friends for?

F***in' hug him.

- F*** you, you hug him.

- I'm not... I had to tell him.

I had to wipe the slobber off his

face the whole flight down here

while you were jacking off

underneath the blanket.

How did you know

I was jacking off?

- Smooth ripples in the blanket.

- I should have used the jacket.

Jackets are real smooth,

got the material.

When it get crunchy

it don't wrinkle up.

I ain't never done it myself

but it's what I heard.

- Good lookin' out, next time.

- That's what's up.

I think a drink

is in order for you.

So you thought bringing us to a Third

World country was a good idea?

To catch a f***ing Colombian

cartel drug lord? Are you mental?

Keep it down, man.

These people all look alike.

They could be the cartel.

He's trying to get us killed.

You're gonna get us

f***ing killed, Vincent.

Maybe it wasn't a well thought

out plan, right, but we're here.

So let's just do this.

How could you let this happen?

I didn't do sh*t. He told me

we was coming on vacation.

I didn't know we was gonna

be doin' Rambo sh*t.

Have you lost your mind?

No, Kurt, you lost your mind,

and your wife, your job

and your dignity,

all in, what, three hours?

- I can testify to that. -I can't

believe I'm getting a divorce.

Just think about it.

$25 million. $25 million.

Do you know how much that is?

$8,333,333.33 apiece.

Motherfuckin' Rain Man.

We're still gonna get killed.

None of us know anything

about capturing a drug lord.

You can say that again. He

know what he talkin' about.

I didn't think of it like that.

Everybody's got their thing,

this is our thing.

Kurt, wouldn't you like

to show your ex-wife

- Who said I was a loser?

- She did.

- What a b*tch.

- And, Chris, wouldn't you like

to throw a baseball with a kid

that's actually yours?

Yeah, that's funny.

I'd like to do that

one of these days.

Come on, man, listen,

if we go back to L.A.

like this, broke,

what do we got?

We got sh*t.

Listen, I'm goin',

I'm doin' this.

Now, who's with me?

- F*** it, I'm in.

- Thank you.

I'm still not sure

why I'm even here.

Hey, man, grow some nuts so the squirrel

can climb up the tree and nibble on 'em.

I'm not even sure

that made sense,

but you should listen to him.

All right, I'm in.

Let's do this, f*** it!

And f*** that b*tch!

Got that sh*t, man,

raise the roof!

There are my Americano brothers!

Come on, I take you

to the other party

with all the girls

and cocaine you want...

I'm goin' with him.

I'm goin' with him and him.

He got p*ssy, man, you trippin'.

P*ssy is not a bad thing.

That's what I'm saying, 'cause

you guys are doing it all wrong.

You need to package and combine these

drugs for more efficient distribution.

Hmm.

Man, snap out of

that grunting sh*t.

Mmm... What?

Hmm, I'm not grunting.

Could have swore we were drunk.

I'm still drunk.

But I'm up, but I'm drunk.

Yeah.

This is Alaska right up here.

This is Alaska. See all the snow?

That's Canada.

So we're gonna come in here, and

come in here, and come over here.

- Hmm.

- Man, I need a gun.

We need guns.

Think about it, a .357 Magnum,

if we're gonna do this.

Man, f*** that baby sh*t.

I need a AK-47.

I could bust a cap

in the motherf***er's ass.

Ack-ack-ack.

Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

You forgot one.

Ack!

- Ahem, titties.

- Yes, they are.

Uh, I'm gonna go say hello to

her two friends, tit and tat.

No, no, no, no, we gonna say

hello to tit and tat...

We ain't doin' the "we."

Ain't no sword-fightin',

nuts ain't bouncin', no.

No, no, no,

we'll Eiffel Tower her, man.

I don't wanna touch

your balls either, man.

We get on each end.

I'm not making a porno.

I'm going in here and f***.

I think it's London Bridge, man.

We'll London Bridge her!

Oh.

Hello. Cmo ests?

- Mm.

- Vamos.

OK.

If you could smuggle less by sea

and more by air... here,

in this, uh...

in this vicinity right here,

you could attack the United States

where they least expect it.

- Jesus!

- Enough.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes