All That Jazz Page #6

lf you don't, you're in for a lot of trouble.

Oh, l will, doctor.

l promise. l will.

Mr Gideon.

Mr Gideon, what are you doing?

Oh, this? l was just getting rid of it.

l caught someone smoking,

and l told him a man in my condition

shouldn't even be around smoke.

l'm telling ya, Gideon,

l got real insight into you.

There's a deep-rooted fear

of being conventional.

Right.

Your blood pressure is higher than we hoped.

Your cardiograms haven't improved one bit.

Now, if you don't give a damn,

i's hard to expect us to.

Mr Gideon!

l'll leave these menus with you. Please check

off what you want for the coming weeks, OK?

Monday, l'll have roast beef,

Tuesday, chicken, Wednesday, steak,

Thursday, l plan to be dead,

so... l'll just have something light.

Mr Gideon!

She wrote a little note on the back.

She said you'd understand.

"Dear loving, giving, generous" -

underlined four times - "Dad,

l hear nurses are nice people, hint, hint.

Your poor, brotherless daughter."

Joe, what does it mean?

lt means she's inherited her mother's

determination, tha's what it means.

Oh, no... Thank you, thank you. No, no...

You're wonderful, wonderful.

The word superstar is greatly

overused in this business.

But for my next guest, the word

superstar is totally inadequate.

Whenever l do a benefit-

and l've done 150, 60, 70, this year,

all for very worthy causes - l can always

count on this dude to be right there with me.

l feel humbled in his presence.

From deep, deep in here, ladies

and gentlemen, let me lay on you...

- A great entertainer.

- a great entertainer,

- A great humanitarian.

- a great humanitarian,

- And my dear friend for 25 years.

- and my dearest, dearest friend for 20 years.

- You missed by five years.

- Oh, boy, do l hate show business.

- Joey, you love show business.

- Tha's right, l love show business.

l'll go either way.

l got insight into you, Gideon.

You know wha's underneath?

The dreadful fear that you're ordinary,

not special.

Right.

Oh, l think...

l think...

- l'm getting an erection.

- Oh, Mr Gideon, don't do that.

That sex thing, Jesus. Listen,

l wouldn't say you were a f*ggot,

but you do have a lot

of feminine characteristics, right?

Right.

You are foolishly and childishly

flirting with disaster.

Joey, you're really crazy!

What do you wanna do, kill yourself?

Dr Ballinger told me to get a little exercise.

Everything he does seems

to be a denial of his condition.

Dr Ballinger, every time l've seen him,

l get the impression that

he doesn't care whether he lives or dies.

Yes, l know. But l think he cares a lot.

OK, we'll limit his visitors

to no more than two.

Joe, l wish you could have been there.

before a single review was out,

the line at Cinema One was around the

block. The people know. The people know.

This broke every first-day record.

l's a blockbuster. l mean a blockbuster.

And those guys in California...

You wouldn't believe the telephone calls.

"Congratulations", they say. "We're glad

you took your time. lt was worth it."

They said "Every dollar that we put

in that film is up there on the screen."

l'm telling you, they're talking about

a $3.5 million advertising budget.

Do you believe that? 3.5 million dollars. This

picture is gonna go right through the roof.

Right through... the roof.

Look at those reviews. See it?

We did it. Joe, we did it.

Where are the bad ones?

There are no bad ones.

Josh...

Well, there were a couple that

quibbled a little. l left them at the office.

Josh, l want you to do me a favour -

don't show them to me.

Never. How were the television reviews?

l think we got Leslie Perry.

At the screening, she told me she loved it.

Following Gideon's triumphant directorial

achievement with "50 Beautiful Girls, 50",

when he won every possible award,

it would be nice to report that

Mr Gideon's latest effort, "The Stand-up",

starring Davis Newman, was a better film.

Oh, boy, here it comes.

Joey, turn it off, please.

... falls into his characteristic weakness

of trying too hard to please, to entertain.

- Josh, no. l wanna hear it.

- The razzle-dazzle sometimes obliterates...

- What does she know?

- She never gives a good review.

That woman is totally unqualified

to criticise anything.

- She doesn't know a damn thing about film.

- Or anything.

She's not even reviewing a film.

She's telling you how clever she is.

... where the has-been comic,

played impeccably by Davis Newman,

demonstrates his former

brilliance in a monologue

where clearly director Gideon

gave Mr Newman free rein.

Rising above rather commonplace material,

the actor creates a classic comic...

l guarantee this picture

will do 30 million domestic, at least.

- One of you better get somebody.

- What?

l think l'm in trouble.

... chopping off the ends of scenes

before the drama is played out,

left this reviewer with bewilderment

and a four-aspirin headache.

Using my four-balloon rating system,

l give "The Stand-up" haIf a balloon.

- How are you feeling?

- The truth? l'm scared.

Roll 'em.

Action. Oh, my God...

Ladies and gentlemen, the doctors.

l'm Dr Hyman, the internist.

l'm Dr Garry, the surgeon.

- l'm Dr Ballinger, the cardiologist.

- Five, six, seven, eight...

The heart is the viscus that maintains

the circulation of the blood.

That means he had total blockage in...

two arteries.

This is the man who would be

my first choice as a modern-day saint.

When l was in those marches, like Selma,

this brother was shufflin'

right alongside me,

long before those cats who thought

civil rights was a hip scene

and jumped on the blackwagon.

The blackwagon! Oh, ladies

and gentlemen, let me lay on ya...

- A great entertainer.

- a great entertainer,

- A great humanitarian.

- a great humanitarian,

- And my dearest friend.

- and my dearest friend

- Blah-blah.

- for 17 years.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

- See how much l learn from you?

- l'm afraid you've learned too much from me.

- There you are, Mr Gideon.

This is one of my A1,

first-rate, top-drawerjobs.

Tha's it. Good luck tomorrow.

What did you mean, l learned too much?

You're gonna make it. l'm hardly ever wrong.

Thanks.

Remember last Tuesday night?

lt was raining... very hard.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was raining. What about it?

l called you at midnight.

l must have been walking the dog.

l don't have time for this sort of thing.

You were with someone.

Yes.

And you made love to him.

Yeah.

Well, tha's it, huh? We're finished?

l don't know.

How do you feel about me?

l love you.

Then l guess we're not finished.

Because l really do love you, Katie.

- You mean that?

- Ah, hell, no.

l was pissed off at her.

l don't know. Yeah, l did mean it.

Sort of. Sometimes l don't know where

the bullshit ends and the truth begins.

l just wanted to say something nice to her.

Why?

ln case...

ln case...

ln case.

lf l die, l'm sorry for all

the bad things l did to ya.

And if l live, l'm sorry for all

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