Almost Adults Page #4

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and then they call it

and it's like this

voicemail that's like,

"the person you're calling

gave you a fake phone number.

I hope you feel like

a giant loser, loser."

No way, that's not a thing.

I swear to god.

I use it all the time.

I say "all the time"

like I get hit on all the time.

In reality I've used

it like seven times.

Six times.

I've used it three times.

Wow, and I thought you were

going to be all sweet and stuff

with your cute

little packed lunch

and your adorable

little backpack.

I mean you're eating

peanut butter and jelly.

Girls that destroy egos

do not eat peanut butter

and jelly sandwiches.

Oh, no, no, they do.

Yeah, they eat peanut butter

and jelly sandwiches

and they drink out

of juice boxes.

To be fair, though, I usually

only give that number to guys

because one, they're usually

the only ones that hit on me

and two, I'm not into them.

Oh, I thought...

So, yeah, I will give

you my number.

But, you know, only because

I want you to win that bet.

Yeah, totally just

to win the bet.

I'm gonna throw this number away

as soon as I get

my twenty bucks.

I'm not gonna stare at it

or put it in my phone

or like, text you later.

That's definitely

not gonna happen.

Good, because I wouldn't

want you to text me,

and I obviously would

not text you back.

Duh, and then when you

don't text me back,

I don't have to ask

you if you want

to go get dinner or see

a movie together.

Good, because I definitely...

Definitely wouldn't say yes

to any of that.

Just so we're on the same page.

We are on the same page.

Hiya, hi, how's it going?

Hey, uh, everything's great.

Um, yeah, I just saw the e-mail

you sent to the client,

and I noticed you did not

sign it, "kindest regards."

So?

Yeah, so, obviously I don't

care, it's just that

remember on the first day

you started working here

and I told you we always

sign our e-mails

with "kindest regards"?

Yeah, I thought that was

just a suggestion.

Oh, yeah, it is, um,

it's just like one of those

suggestions that

you always wanna do.

So, I'm sure it's fine,

it's just I think our boss

is really upset with you.

Are you f***ing with me?

What?

I don't even.

Oh, my god, it's so shitty.

What is it, Amy?

You didn't get the e-mail?

What e-mail?

Oh, my god, it's so awkward,

um, you just got fired.

I'm pretty sure you got CCED.

I got fired?

Yeah, total bummer.

I mean, because, like,

you're just an intern

and who fires an intern?

Because you don't even get paid.

This has gotta be

some kind of joke, right?

Is this because

of "kindest regards"?

Oh, my god, no.

I mean, maybe?

Um, but you should probably

start packing up your things.

Um, oh, but not

until after lunch,

because you need to

still go get that, okay?

- Cassie.

- What, Amy?

Isn't this your

friend, MacKenzie?

I've been reading her blog.

She's hilarious.

I just love her

positive outlook on life.

Is she single?

Cassie.

You're probably wondering why

I have developed a fondness for

baseball and lesbian film

in the past couple of weeks.

It's because it's come to my

attention, currently, that...

Dude, what the f***?

What do you mean what the f***?

You what the f***.

You almost broke my face.

How could you?

I thought we were best friends.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't know, MacKenzie,

maybe you could have

told me that you're gay?

Yeah, you told everyone in

the f***ing world except for me.

F***ing Levi,

I'm going to murder him.

No, it wasn't Levi, you idiot.

You put it on your blog.

You can see my blog?

First of all, everyone in the

world can see your blog.

Second of all, I work in social media,

so it's my job to be on Tumblr.

- Oh.

- Yeah, oh.

Why didn't you tell me?

Look, I'm sorry. I just... I

wasn't ready to tell you.

You have pooped

in front of me, MacKenzie.

I have seen you poop.

And you couldn't just

tell me you were gay.

I know!

I mean, okay, that's

not really the same thing.

- Did you think I was going to care?

- No.

Then I don't get why

you didn't just tell me.

Okay, I've never kept

anything from you.

I know.

I just... I wasn't ready.

But you were just ready to splash

it all across the Internet.

Okay, Levi was the one

that made me get a Tumblr,

so don't even start with that.

I don't even know

how to use the thing.

Yeah, I noticed, okay?

You're not even

tagging your photos.

I don't know how you expect

anyone to follow you.

Yeah, see, I have no idea

what you're talking about.

That still doesn't explain

why you didn't just tell me.

Do you know how much it hurt

finding out online,

rather than just from you?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I am sorry

that I didn't tell you

and you found out

on the Internet.

But this, for once,

is not about you.

It's about me.

I decide when

I want to come out.

I decide when I tell my parents

or Levi, or you.

Me, not you.

Have you told Levi

or your parents?

Yes?

What the f***, dude?

You're taking this way

out of proportion.

I think this shows

that I care about you the most.

I was the most worried

to tell you.

Does that not mean

anything to you?

No, it doesn't.

Because I should be

the one you come to

when something this important

is happening in your life.

Not Levi.

Not your parents. Me.

And to know that you

can't even talk to me

about something this

important then...

I don't even know what the point

of being friends is anymore.

Oh, this is f***ed up.

You're making this f***ed up.

Fine. Be silent.

Whatever, I'm over it.

I can't take this anymore.

I feel like I've lost you.

It's been 12 hours.

Well, it feels like years

to me, okay?

I wanna talk about this and

you're the one being an a**hole.

- Oh, I'm an a**hole?

- Yes, you are an a**hole.

The whole reason I didn't

tell you I was gay

was because of this... exactly

what you're doing right now.

What am I doing right now?

You're making things

between us weird and awkward.

I'm not mad because you're gay.

I'm mad because

you didn't tell me.

Do you know how hard

it is to come out?

- Obviously not.

- Exactly. Obviously not.

I'm not going to apologize again

for not telling you sooner.

Look, things have been really

rough for me, okay?

My parents are

overly supportive,

Levi's trying to whore me out,

and believe it or not, it's

actually been really difficult

not talking to you

about this all.

I guess I'm just upset with...

The way things are going

in my life.

I just needed someone

to take it out on.

Well, take it out

on your parents,

that's obviously

what they're there for.

Are we okay?

Yeah, we're okay.

Because it doesn't feel

like we're okay.

- Okay, well we're going

to be okay, okay? -Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I've said "okay" so much

in the past minute,

I don't even know

what it means anymore.

Yeah.

No.

- So, straight.

- Mm-hmm.

- Straight.

- Mm-hmm.

Unfortunately, straight.

Uh, gay.

Um, gay, gay,

straight?

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