Almost Adults Page #5

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No, those were all

straight girls, hon.

How can you tell

just by looking at them?

Years of practice, darling.

I have my gaydar perfected.

- Okay, see the girl over by the tree?

- Yeah.

Gay.

How can you tell that

all the way from here?

I can.

Okay. Try again.

Um...

Hey.

Hey, b*tch.

Finished for the day?

- Yep.

- Nice.

What are you guys up to?

Just trying to teach our

little baby dyke over here

how to use her gaydar.

I think I'm getting

really good at it.

No.

Well, who are we looking at?

Can I try?

Why? You're straight.

I don't know.

Maybe to save me from another

15 years of crushing

on Lance bass.

Bless him.

Is it um...

That's what I thought.

Who texted you?

Elliot.

Been texting her

for like two weeks, nonstop.

You don't know that it's Elliot.

I mean, a lot of people text me,

like you or Cassie or my mother.

Did your mom text you?

No.

Thought so.

Who's Elliot?

Elliot, I told you about her.

I met her after class one day.

No, you never mentioned her.

Oh, well, I mean,

it's no big deal.

I met a girl, her name

is Elliot and that's it.

And she wants to ride her face.

Well, maybe just a little.

- She plays soccer.

- You hate sports.

I like girls who play sports,

and that's all that matters.

You should invite her

to our party on Saturday.

Yeah? I really want you

guys to meet her.

I think you'll love her.

She's so cool. I mean,

obviously not as cool as me,

but like, who is?

Gay, straight, gay?

- Damn it.

- So not even close.

I'm thinking of ordering

a pizza.

What do you want on your half?

I'm not really that hungry.

I probably won't have any.

But you're always hungry.

Hey.

Yeah. Right now? Nothing.

Yeah, I'm starving, obviously.

I'll meet you there

in like ten minutes.

Oh, you're coming

to the party tonight, right?

Oh, my god, MacKenzie.

Where did all these

people come from?

I don't know. Only like ten

people said they were coming.

I may have texted

a few extra people.

I mean, ten people's

a gathering, ladies.

This is a party.

Can we get some Beyonce in here?

Oh, my god.

- Why the f*** are they here?

- To ruin your life.

I can't believe he brought her.

Well, I mean I can,

because they're dating.

But you know what I mean.

This is unbelievable.

Has she even gotten her

period yet? She looks 12.

Give me this.

Eww, what was that?

Peach schnapps.

Oh, my god,

you are such a lesbian.

Where's your lover?

She isn't my lover,

because we haven't

"lovered" yet.

She's playing beer pong.

Why don't you go talk to her?

I don't know.

I don't want to bother her.

Oh!

Where did you even find that?

YOLO, b*tches!

Please don't ever

say that again.

You are white.

Hey, I'm gonna let you

have this one.

- Let me have it? I won it

fair and square. -Yes.

- The beer pong trophy, -but need I

remind you this is the only time,

- you've ever beaten me. -Is

ripped out of your dead hands...

And the sex is so great.

Mind if we sit down?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, sorry. Promise, I didn't

know what I was gonna do.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Okay, bye.

Uh, hey.

Hey.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Cool.

Where the f*** did you go?

So, Tasha.

- It is Tasha, right?

- Yeah.

What's your major?

Bachelor of arts.

Oh, cool.

- In what?

- College.

Love you, bye.

- Hey.

- Hi.

You good?

Yes, I'm good. We already

had that conversation.

Right, yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay then.

What the f*** is

MacKenzie doing?

Does she have diarrhea

or something?

Eww.

Just so you know,

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Honestly, neither do I.

Cool.

- Hey, b*tch.

- Save me, b*tch. Save me.

Who the f*** are you?

I'm Tasha.

I don't f***ing care.

Where's MacKenzie?

I don't know. She has

diarrhea or something.

Ew, ew, ew.

- No, no, no.

- I can save her.

Get the f*** out.

Hey, not while you

have diarrhea.

I don't have diarrhea.

I don't.

This is my third beer and I'm

not even feeling anything.

I'm such a tank.

I hate being a tank.

I want liquor.

Go get me liquor.

Right, sorry.

Yep, liquor.

So, who are you? Do you,

like, go to this school?

I'm Cassie.

Matthew's ex, Cassie.

He's never mentioned a Cassie.

We broke up like

three months ago.

And he started dating you, like,

a second after I dumped him.

I think I'm drunk.

Ugh, all right.

Bye, Kathy.

Bye.

Hey, hey.

Where are you going?

I just need some fresh air.

- Hey.

- Oh, jeez.

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd keep you company.

Do you want to talk?

I'm good, thanks.

Well, you seem upset.

I'm fine.

Just go the f*** inside, okay?

Hey, it's mack, talk some wack.

Ew, why did I just say that?

MacKenzie, pick up.

Okay, Matthew just

tried to kiss me,

and he had disgusting

beer breath.

And did you see that stupid, f***ing

gay beard he's trying to grow?

Sh*t. I'm sorry, was that

offensive to you?

I don't know.

And I just stab his stupid, f***ing

preschool girlfriend in the face.

And I'm pretty sure

I'm getting my period,

so, would you please

just stop shitting

and just meet me

at our bench, okay?

I need you.

She left this here last night.

It's the only thing I'll ever

have of hers again.

Oh, my god, give me details.

Ugh, it was horrible.

No, it wasn't even horrible,

because it was great.

And then it was horrible.

Why, what happened?

Okay, I'm pretty sure

I'm only telling you this

because I'm still drunk

from last night.

Yeah, I can still smell

the peach schnapps

on your breath, honey.

It's kind of nasty.

Okay, well, like,

we were making out on my bed

- and things were going really

well, you know? -Yeah.

- I was like taking

off her shirt, -oh.

- And like touching her boobies and stuff.

- Go, girl.

- And I was like, yeah, like,

I'm going to do this. -Right.

I'm so gonna do this.

I'm going for it.

- So then I stuck my finger in there.

- Right.

And then I just left it.

You just left what?

My finger?

I just let it sit there like

a motherfucking tampon.

Oh, come on, are you just

going to stand there

and not make fun

of our little homo?

I don't know, Levi,

she's clearly retarded.

I didn't know what

fingering was.

I thought once it was

in there it was just over.

Honey, I'm a gay man,

and I know that's not how

you finger someone.

What was the point of watching

all that lesbian porn then?

I'm so embarrassed.

You should be.

And where the f*** did you

go last night, little missy?

Leaving your own party

like a diva?

I just had to get out.

I couldn't deal with Matthew

and his hooker girlfriend

anymore.

They left pretty soon

after you ditched.

Probably to bang.

Thank you. That makes me

feel so much better.

I don't get it.

You broke up with him.

Do you want to get back

together or something?

I don't know, it's just

like every time...

- What, it's Elliot.

- Yeah.

Hey, I didn't think I was ever

going to talk to you again.

Would you believe me if I told

you that my finger fell asleep?

Oh, that girl's in love.

- It's adorable. -Yeah, and

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