Almost Adults Page #6

---

it's totally selfish.

Oh, don't even.

MacKenzie finally

actually likes someone.

You should just

be happy for her.

I am happy for her.

Just like, why does

she have to be so happy?

- My life's in the shits.

- Oh my god.

What? It's like she never has

time for me or us anymore.

It's all about Elliot.

What's so great about Elliot?

She's not even funny.

She has some great tits, though.

I have great tits.

Yeah, but MacKenzie's not

allowed to put those ones...

In her mouth.

- Girls are such pigs.

- I know, tell me about it.

Dr. Reese, are you going

to ask me about Matthew again?

Because I really don't

want to talk about him.

No, I've all ready been

lectured by the Dean.

Apparently, I crossed

some boundary.

You know, I thought

it was incredibly creepy

that he even knew about it.

And I was just wondering what

your plans were for graduation.

Any jobs lined up?

Well, I got fired

from an internship,

so the job pool is looking

a little shallow.

You know,

I actually know someone

who works at a creative agency

and they are looking

for a junior copywriter.

And I suggested you.

- Are you serious?

- I am.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

The position starts pretty soon,

- so it should be perfect for

when you graduate. -Okay.

- They want to meet you.

- Okay.

And this is the name

of the hr person,

and the name

and contact information

of the creative director.

- Give them a call if you're interested.

- Okay, yeah.

Wow.

Dr. Reese, if you weren't like

an older version of my GBF,

I would totally kiss

you right now.

You have stickers

on your ceiling.

What?

Oh, yeah. Those are those,

you know, star stickers.

What?

You know, the star stickers

of the solar system,

they glow in the dark.

That's so embarrassing.

- Oh. Oh, that's embarrassing?

- Mm-hmm.

Me having the glow-in-the-dark

solar system is embarrassing,

but me sticking my finger in your

vagina to take a nice cozy nap,

that's not embarrassing.

Whoa, who said that wasn't

embarrassing?

That's even

more so embarrassing.

So, can I kiss you now?

Yeah. I think

we're past the point

where you need to ask.

Okay.

Just checking.

Let me just turn this off

really, really quickly.

What's that?

Oh, this is just my Tumblr.

You have a Tumblr?

Oh, yeah, I'm really gay.

Who's that girl?

Oh, that's Shawntelle.

Shawntelle?

Yeah, she's my friend.

Well, technically

she's my Tumblr girlfriend.

- You have a Tumblr girlfriend?

- Yeah. Can you believe it?

I don't even know what she looks

like in real life.

I could be getting catfished

for all I know.

She, like, lives in Texas

or something.

What is happening right now?

Are you leaving?

Yes, mack, I'm leaving.

Why? I thought we were gonna

go get ice cream.

Because you have a girlfriend.

A girl...?

No, she's a Tumblr girlfriend.

She's probably 50 years old

and has two mentally

challenged sons.

Sorry to keep you.

I hope you weren't waiting.

Oh, no, not at all.

Hi, Cassie.

Juliana.

Thanks. Have a seat.

Cassie, where are you?

Come on, pick up.

Pick up. Pick up.

Hey, babes, I can't really

talk right now.

I think I totally

f***ed things up.

What is... are you...

Are you having sex right now?

Yeah, babe, I told you I can't

really talk right now.

It's a bad time.

It's totally a good time.

Why did you even

answer the phone?

I'm bottoming, so it's not like

I'm really doing anything.

I did not need to know that.

Call me back when

you're finished.

Oh, oh, god. Now I'm just

thinking about you finishing.

Okay, love you, babe.

Hello? Just kidding.

It's Cassie's voicemail.

Mack, it's Cassie.

I mean, Cassie, it's mack.

MacKenzie.

I think Elliot just dumped

me because of my stupid,

f***ing, shitty-ass

Tumblr girlfriend

who doesn't even f***ing exist.

Like, why don't they tell you

in the terms and conditions

if you have a Tumblr girlfriend

it apparently counts

as a real one.

Like, how f***ing stupid

is that?

What is even the point

of one of those?

To send song lyrics

and pictures back and forth to.

Can I f*** one of those song

lyrics, Cassie?

No, no, I can't.

I mean, technically I can't.

Maybe like, emotionally I can,

somehow, or anyways.

Elliot found out

and now she hates me.

At least I think she does,

I don't know.

She stormed out of here.

I think I love her, Cassie.

I mean, obviously, I don't

because it's been like a month

but I really, really, like her.

You have to help me,

I don't know what to do.

We need to win her back.

Oh, yeah. I just said "we."

This is now a team effort.

I'm gonna go get ice cream.

Meet me at our bench, you know?

Like, stop what you're doing

right now and come meet me.

Like, right now.

Okay, bye.

Hello? Just kidding,

it's Cassie's voicemail.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Just don't.

I don't want to hear it.

What do you mean you

don't want to hear it?

I mean I don't want to hear

you complain about

whatever it is you're going

to complain about.

I don't care.

I don't care about

your problems, MacKenzie.

And I especially don't care

about whatever it is

you did to f*** up your

relationship with Elliot.

This might come as a shock,

but it is your duty

as my best friend

to care about these things.

You have to listen

and let me vent

about whatever I want

to vent about.

So, if I want

to complain all day

about the stupid woman

in the snuggie commercial

who doesn't even know how to f***ing

read with a blanket on her,

like, actually, if you're

having trouble reading

and keeping a blanket on you,

then you should have

your children taken away

because clearly you're not

fit to be a parent.

Then you will agree

and you will vent with me,

because that is what

best friends do.

No, it's not.

That's not what

best friends do, MacKenzie.

Best friends are honest

with each other.

Best friends tell each other

when they think the other person's

being stupid and ridiculous.

Did you hear that?

Best friends are honest.

Oh. Oh. Is that what

we're doing right now?

We're being honest

with each other.

Okay, yeah, sure,

I can be honest.

Let's be honest.

This plan of yours,

this life plan,

is the stupidest thing

I've ever seen in my life.

Like, what is the point of this?

Why do you still have this

hanging on our fridge?

Did you laminate

your f***ing life plan?

At least I'm still thinking about

what kind of future I want.

What are you even doing

with your life

besides getting catfished

on the Internet?

Oh, don't you bring

Shawntelle into this.

You are so self involved,

you didn't even notice

that I had a job interview today

for my dream job

at a creative agency.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't

my dream job,

because my dream job involves

Ryan gosling feeding me grapes,

but it was still

a really good job.

And you didn't even know

because if it doesn't have

anything to do with you,

you don't even care.

Really?

Really, Cassie?

You're calling me

self-involved?

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote