Almost Adults Page #7

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How about this one?

You didn't even know

that I was gay.

Everyone, literally everyone

could tell you,

but my furious lesbianism

didn't even faze you

because you're so wrapped

up in your head.

You had a boyfriend.

You were dating Andrew.

So, how was I supposed to know?

Did you think that I actually

liked dating Andrew?

The only reason

that I dated him was

because his dick

was so f***ing small

that it was pretty

much just a vagina.

And as my best friend

you should know this.

My god, you know what?

It was a mistake.

17 years ago, when I saw

that you had beach time Ken,

and I had ball gown Barbie, and I

thought they could just get married,

and we could just play together.

I had beach time Ken,

and you still didn't

know that I was gay.

You know what,

maybe this friendship

wasn't supposed

to last this long.

Fine.

I don't know if you

think I'm joking,

but I am being f***ing serious.

I am over this friendship.

Okay.

Then I hope you enjoy your

single, lonely life, Cassie.

With all of your friends

on Facebook and Twitter.

Because newsflash, they don't

care about you like I do.

I hope you're grabbing

your sh*t so you can move out,

because I don't want

you here anymore.

Of course that's what I'm doing.

Do you think I'm

spontaneously cleaning?

I'm going, and it's not

because you're kicking me out,

it's because I'm choosing to go.

Great, because I can't stand

to be around you.

- Great.

- Okay, then.

- Okay, then.

- Then just go.

That's exactly what

I'm going to do.

- Go.

- Fine.

Go then.

In my hand,

I hold one last rose.

You know what?

I should be on a reality show.

Like, seriously.

The sh*t that happens to me,

it's ridiculous.

People would love

watching my life.

What are you saying tonight?

- This.

- Hot.

What's your lover doing?

It's Saturday.

I don't have a lover anymore,

remember?

I have a Tumblr girlfriend

that's probably

a 40-year-old, bald

convenience store worker.

Ew.

What are you doing tonight?

The usual.

Can I come?

It's a bunch of us gays,

so... no.

But I'm gay now.

You're a lesbian, honey.

What's the difference?

Oh, my god.

Oh, you're so cute sometimes.

It's endearing, don't worry.

So how did Cass end up keeping

the apartment in the divorce?

I gave it to her,

like I gave her my heart.

It's tragic.

Oh, I need to get ready.

Um, do you want

the rest of my burrito?

What a stupid f***ing question.

Of course I want your burrito.

I know, I can always

count on you.

Oh sh*t.

Christine, you are funny,

smart, cultured, generous.

And one of the most interesting

people I've ever met.

But I have to give

my final rose to Brittany

because she is way too hot.

Hey.

What are you up to?

Do you want to come over?

Hi.

Hey.

Don't yet, just wait.

Sh*t. I didn't actually think you

were actually going to be here.

Why?

It's like Friday night

at 11:
00.

I assumed you'd be out

drinking or something.

It's Saturday night.

See, I don't even

know my own life.

Well, we have a tourney

tomorrow, so...

Right, for soccer.

Yes.

I sent you a bunch of texts.

I never heard back from you.

I got them.

Can I just come in?

I really wanna talk to you.

I don't think so.

I have to get up early to leave

for the tournament tomorrow,

and, honestly, I just don't really

want to talk to you right now.

Oh, yeah, no, that's totally

understandable.

Can I just say again though

that I'm really sorry?

I'm stupid, okay?

Like, really, really, stupid.

Like, should-be-tested stupid.

I think that's pretty evident.

I'm new to all this. I just

didn't know about the whole...

Tumblr girlfriend thing.

No, it's ignorance.

Bye, mack.

F***.

Where are you going?

Well, the game show channel

is calling my name, so...

Cool.

I'm down to watch some TV.

Oh, um...

This is awkward.

This was just a Booty call,

okay, so...

I just wanted some Booty.

What?

You know, I have a girlfriend.

Yeah, and it's obvious

you like her very much.

So, I'm gonna go watch the feud.

But thank you

for fulfilling my needs.

Well, that's tough.

Laura, on to you.

We've surveyed 100 women

and asked what is the worst...

I am only coming back

because I need more underwear.

Text message.

What was that?

What was what?

Mack.

You guys have a fight

or something?

She's a self-involved b*tch

and a shitty friend.

So she's just like you.

Thought I had more underwear.

Apparently I only have

three pairs. Light days it is.

Bye, Matthew.

Yeah, bye.

What is the worst way

to dump someone?

Juliana.

It's so nice to see you again.

Hi, Cassie.

It's great to see

you again, too.

I have some news that I think

you'll be interested in.

Is it just me or is Elliot being

completely ridiculous

and over-reacting?

Well, I don't know, I guess.

It's Tumblr, like relax.

Maybe you should talk to her.

I already did try talking

to her, I went to her house,

but she slammed

the door in my face.

She won't return my calls, my texts.

I'm running out of ideas.

What if you sent flowers?

Girls love flowers.

I think if you like this girl, you

should really try to make it work.

Okay, first, mom, flowers?

That's lame.

Second, whose side are you on?

Because what it sounds like to

me is that you're on her side.

I'm Switzerland.

What does that have

to do with anything?

You're father's laughing

hysterically right now.

He thought my joke was funny.

You guys are so weird.

You look skinny.

Are you not eating?

No, mom, stop being a mom.

You should be bitching with me.

Say something mean about

Elliot so I feel better. Go.

When your father and I were

watching "the l word"

and Bette cheated on Tina,

she sent flowers and apologized.

So I think that's

what you should do.

Oh, and write a note that says

"you hold all the cards."

For the love of god, stop

watching "the l word" with dad.

Just stop watching it.

I don't know, honey,

maybe you should be talking

to Cassie about all this.

We're still fighting.

What about Levi?

He's too busy

f***ing beautiful men.

I hope he's using protection.

Well, this conversation

is not helping at all.

Are all girls

this crazy and dramatic?

Probably.

Where are you and dad

saying tonight?

We're talking to you, honey.

No, saying, like what

are you doing?

Oh, I need to look up

that slang word.

We are going golfing

with Tracy and Steve.

Gay.

You really shouldn't say that.

No, no, I'm allowed to say it.

I am gay so it's fine, like,

all black people are allowed

- to call themselves...

- I don't think so.

I'm miserable.

Oh, honey, your father's

yelling at me. We're late.

Sorry, pumpkin, we have to go.

But I just told you

I was miserable.

We love you.

I hate you.

I'm coming with you.

I belong in New York.

Like, look at this face.

This is totally a New York face.

Did you know rent for a 300 square

foot apartment is like $1800?

Okay, maybe I have more

of an L.A. face.

So, I haven't heard from

MacKenzie in a couple days.

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