Almost You Page #4

Car accident.

Nothing serious.

- How you do?

- Hi.

This is David.

This is Maggie and Lisa.

Lisa's a nurse.

She's taking care of Erica.

She's shy.

- Married.

- Yeah.

Ah. Sly and the Family Stone.

Oh, I love it.

I love all that '60s stuff.

A nostalgia buff, eh?

You know, Erica,

that husband of yours is really a great guy.

He shouldn't have to work

in a crummy job like that.

Oh, yeah?

What do you do?

Well, I'm an actor.

- Really? What restaurant?

- Ha.

- You going to have kids?

- Sure.

Why not? I think

I'd be good at having kids.

- Yeah.

- Well, not good at it.

I mean,

rabbits are good at it.

I actually have a show

opening tomorrow night.

Oh, shouldn't you

be rehearsing?

No.

Anyway, Alex needs

that crummyjob ofhis.

I don't know why everyone and his uncle

wants to be something they're not.

Like an actor.

But they do.

Mm.

I'm gonna get

another drink.

Oh, no.

What the hell

are you doing here?

I don't believe it!

And that bimbo!

Hey, Jeannie happens to be

one of the more incredible actresses.

Just say you

have to go, and go.

Tell 'em you're sick.

Just leave.

Why? So you can be with,

uh, good ol' Alex?

What? He's married.

Well, she's crippled.

No, no, no.

I get it. It's her idea.

"Look, you send me the pictures.

It's okay with me. "

- You are sick.

- Don't insult the guest.

I'm his pal.

You... just work here.

All our friends

are getting married.

It's depressing.

Thanks.

You think

you're so smart.

I think it's ready.

Hold on for one second.

Excuse me.

I'd like to make a toast.

A toast to

David and Margaret...

who will be tying

the knot shortly.

Congratulations!

All I can say is, David,

you finally caught her.

He didn't

catch me at all.

I remember when

I first met this guy.

He wouldn't even

talk to me.

Oh, he doesn't seem

like the shy type.

Oh, he wasn't shy.

Hejust didn't like me.

He had his eye on some girl

you were with, Alex.

I think

she was foreign.

- She was Italian.

- And beautiful.

Well, if you like women.

Anyway...

he didn't

even notice me.

I had to strip right there

to get his attention.

Oh, God. None of this is true.

Not a word.

I slept with you three times

before you got my name right.

You surprise me.

I doted on you. I...

I followed you around

like a dog. I...

I seduced you.

- How?

- Oh, it was simple.

I saw you at that party.

Alex pointed you out.

- You were slutting around.

You were dancing with everyone.

- You were wearing a brown top as usual...

- That might be true.

And a brown skirt...

what a surprise... and no bra.

And...

I walked and said, um...

"Excuse me. I've been watching you dance

for a half hour now and...

I'm exhausted. Would you mind sitting

this one out with me?"

God.

- A perfect line.

- Well, it worked.

You fell for it.

Oh, you want

the truth? Fine.

We were both stoned

out of our minds.

We had both just...

Been dumped by

the loves of our lives.

And, I repeat,

gentlemen of the jury...

he did not learn my name

for quite a while.

Bullshit.

"Maggie," right?

"Maggie"?

I rest my case.

Whoever's right, that's the most

pathetic story I've heard so far.

Essentially, what started off

as your basic sleazoid campus pickup...

finally, you're, after...

How long has it been now?

Twenty-five years?

You are ready

to institutionalize it.

I have got to drink

another toast.

To...

declining standards,

what?

- Mm. Mm.

- Oh, honey.

Well, all seductions are sordid

if you wanna look at it like that.

But I think real seduction

is a lost art.

Any idiot can have

a real long-term relationship.

All you gotta do

is smile a lot.

- Right. But real seduction...

- Oh, yes. Tell us about it.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'll demonstrate.

Uh, any lady volunteers

from the audience?

- How about you?

- All right.

Okay.

I approach you

in a crowded bar.

I strike up a conversation.

I get you to talk about yourself,

and I listen.

But I don't

sympathize too much...

because then, not only do I

not go to bed with you...

I'm suddenly

your best girlfriend.

If they like you too much,

you're dead.

- Precisely.

- Ah.

I agree 100%.

Proceed.

So, what do I do,

besides not like you too much?

Throw a drink in his face.

So I take you to

some nice restaurant, expensive.

Kevin can be the waiter!

So, uh,

what happens next?

Well, now you wonder

what I'm really like...

because underneath

this cool exterior...

you just know

I'm different.

You're curious...

but you continue

to talk about yourself.

So why am I telling him

these things?

Hm. So I change the subject.

I ask about you.

Um, where were you born?

Or... what do you do?

Well, now I really

do become shy.

I act as if every question

you ask is incredibly intimate...

as if I've never

been asked before.

Ask him about his pants.

Oh, where did you get

these striking pants?

Oh, these. Oh.

I... I... I know

they're very silly.

I have another pair

at home much nicer than this...

but I spilled

something on them and...

- I know. They're really awful.

- No, they're not.

Aha! He gets

the first compliment.

So now I feel... without sounding

too much like a come-on...

I can tell you how beautiful

I really think you are.

And though

I just shrug...

secretly I'm thrilled.

You're easy.

But, Alex, what are you gonna do

if the girl is over 13 years old?

You don't get it,

do you?

You make them think

it's all their idea.

That they made me

feel this way.

Then you can

flirt like crazy.

He's cute.

Not macho, but still...

I don't think he's gonna

go all sensitive and weepy on me.

I tell a few more

cheap jokes. She laughs.

Ha, ha, ha!

And then,

when the time is right...

I might say...

"I'm gay. "

If you're

not going home, uh...

I thought that

maybe we could, uh...

Well, uh...

Yes.

That's beautiful, hmm?

I don't know. I don't think

you're telling the whole story.

I think you're

leaving out parts...

especially that part

about the pants.

That's not a seduction.

Picking somebody up

in a bar is nothing!

First of all, you can't pick them up

unless they wanna be.

What are they doing

in the bar in the first place?

Lubrication.

- What?

- Lubrication.

You ain't gonna get

what ain't wet.

He's got a point.

Wet? You can't get what?

Look, look. You two are married.

You guys are getting married.

I'm the only guy at the table

doing any seducing...

and I'm saying

you're all wrong.

You are really wrong. I have to appeal to

the 13-year-old girl in you...

because at your age, you've gotta be

tired of the same old, same old.

At least I hope you are.

And, Alex...

forget it.

I mean,

with the wine, the roses...

you spill something

on your pants?

I mean, with that,

you might get what you want...

but you're never gonna

figure out what they want.

Jeannie, remember that time

I met you in the park?

I thought you were

someone else.

Yeah, I remember

like it was yesterday.

Yeah, so I took a chance.

Maybe she has a fantasy, right?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes