Along the Roadside Page #4

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Why?

Because they've got the

following the brand came with

because see people have

always heard of it.

They just didn't know

what it stood for.

Anything I might know about?

Well if you've ever heard of.

I regret that's not

too familiar.

Well, I sold that

one to a perfum company

in the bay area.

Wow.

Right? Yeah,

I had the whole

production going on.

Check this out.

Wow.

And those are

a bunch of web sites,

a bunch of web sites.

Crappyfathersdaygift.com.

I've got a novel,

an idea a preface, a

cover design.

Someone just needs to write it.

That's why I'm moving to

LA to snag some investors.

I've got a f***ing movie.

Daniel Craig

starring as Vladimir Putin.

Yeah. The mad Russian.

Wow.

So the whole world can feel

my truth.

Are you on Facebook?

F*** no.

Ooh. What's this?

Oh, that's an old Russian

aircraft carrier converted

into a hotel/brothel/casino.

I want to apply for a job there.

But again that

could be anything really.

Dude, you are a genius.

But I'm broke

and there's a lot of

idiots out there making bank.

Like Ben Stiller.

Yeah give me

YouTube, some radio time,

billboards and I can

fill up a sports arena

with an audience ready

for a concert for a band

that doesn't even exist.

F***, I'd go.

Right.

Funf!

What?

Funf.

I don't know if you're trying to

salute the furor or

give me a high five.

Yes five, funf.

Funf.

I'm not going to

debate you, Nena.

Hipsters are not

saving the world.

F***ing mincing around.

You see that little

club right there?

Chill spot right?

Very fine indeed.

Yeah, well it's

very high on the DBS.

DBS?

Douche bag scale.

Douche bag scale?

Yeah, I mean look at the facial

expressions, look

at their clothes.

Looks at those

jeans for God sakes.

What is that sh*t?

You fart you blow

your shoes off.

Do you feel diminished by

their shortcomings?

What?

What else bothers you about LA?

Bikers, joggers, Armenian

cab drivers, veggie

juice, Persians, cops,

traffic, bums, TV

producers who wear Crocs,

Mexicans who don't speak

any f***ing English,

unemployed actors, all

those frozen yogurt places,

bums. What about yourself?

This is my first time here.

I mean in general.

What's the one

thing to date that's

disappointed you the most?

The fall of Troy.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I go to some games but I'm

not a season ticket holder.

I see.

I kind of look

at myself like a sailor

who's left one shore

but hasn't quite

reached the other one.

You know what I mean?

I mean it's like the

original ideas that

before I drop an anchor,

settle down I mean,

I've got to spread

my wings first.

Set aside some dough,

enough to buy freedom.

Then I'd go to Philadelphia.

Why Philadelphia?

Because I always wanted to climb

those rocky steps. You know?

Get to the top, flex,

then I'd take a year off,

travel, visit every

country, stop in every bar

and have a drink, then f***

a girl in each country.

That way I could see

the world and f*** it.

That's what's up.

You know? Most dreams

are spawned as an issue really.

Some sort of complex

developed at an early age

and now you've got

a knot sitting in

your stomach like

a harpooned seal

waiting for its grand showdown

with the world.

It throbs underneath

your skin like a lost

and captured moth beating

away against the glass

over and over again,

but you see it's only

when we part from it that

we grow, only when we

abandon our plan A and

try to make something

out of plan B or

C or D, you know.

What do we get there?

I mean.

You know?

What's along the roadside.

I'm not sure I'll ever stop

wondering about

girls who pass by.

You know the ones

you see for only

about a couple of

seconds walking down

the street, sitting in

a car at a red light,

playing with their

phones in a cafe.

It's for those couple of

seconds that your eyes

beg you to let you

steal more of her.

I fall in love maybe 15

times a day on average

and it's those girls, I

believe, are all we'll

ever know about true

love on this earth,

in this life.

We are the

creatures of appetite.

You like chicken?

Yeah. I love chicken.

Until I was 12 I

thought they could fly.

My cousin used to

refer to me as a

fat little chicken.

I also became a

member of an animal

right group called

Kentucky Free Chicken

but it turned out to

be a fake, a scam.

Is that right?

Well I'm taking you

to Cousin Cliff's.

Yeah. Cousin

Cliff is good.

I ate there before. They

have one in Germany.

I'll be sure

to let him know that.

Vicious!

What's up cuz?

You could have

parked in the rear.

Oh, that's

fine. That's fine.

Who is this?

Hi. I'm Nena.

Nena. Like

the band right?

Yes!

You know Nena?

Yes, I f***ed the

sh*t out of the drummer.

I think religion is

making a comeback.

The internet, Facebook, Twitter.

Even the f***ing Pope

is going like that sh*t,

follow that.

My dear friend Caspian

made a trip to New York

to see this shaman who

was telling him about

Jainism, which preaches

that there are 30

heavens and seven hells

layered throughout our lives.

He was going to teach

him how to fly through

spheres and hear

cosmic bells and sh*t.

Then he told him

which forms to fill out.

I'm serious.

Actually Blonde

Priest is just a name

of the band.

It's a band.

Is it a German band?

American actually.

Most of the time it's

just one guy with a guitar

and the name Priest

comes from an old

theory that a good joke

is like a disguised priest

that weds every couple,

especially couples

whose relatives disapprove.

I'll drink to that.

I'm not even baptized.

I was told that when

they tried to baptize

me when I was a kid I took

a sh*t in priest's hands.

Well let me

tell you something girl

you missing out because

as one of my clients says,

"Thank God I was

raised Catholic because

sex will always be dirty."

Well there's some -

You know what

the new religion is?

Green, environmentally friendly,

organic sh*t, recycling.

Just ignore him.

What if you do everything right,

you die and you go to

heaven, you get there

and there's a little

old Christian lady,

a three-legged

dog and that's it.

Their songs are

like sex you know?

They start very shy and

then the melody slides

in and it's like...

it stirs your heart.

Making the light

burst all over us all

and you just want to play

it again, over and over

and over again.

Then you get sick of it and you

have to find a new song.

Thanks love.

Put your hair down you look

like a f***ing samurai.

What's with this banging sh*t?

That's Miyoko's boy.

He's 14 I swear to God

he's like tossing it

six times a day at least.

I didn't know she had a kid.

He's lost like 35

pounds since they've been here.

Bless her offspring.

If I had known I would have

brought him something.

A pogostick.

He makes it

seem like he's working

on a science project,

building some sh*t.

You know he's from

Mongolia and they lived

in a circular tent.

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