Along the Roadside Page #5

---

A yurt!

Even his mom,

she sometimes picks up

a brush and start

painting compulsively.

Sick sh*t like pigeons

rolled up in newspaper.

Then she starts

singing Abba songs.

Pugs liked billboards. Yes.

Poor pugs.

He was my dog,

Pugsley. He passed.

Someone put poison

in his coffee.

F*** them.

Your dog drank coffee?

Coffee, whiskey, vodka.

Pugsley was the sh*t.

He was raped by a

pitbull and had his

balls bitten off by a

yorkie but not once,

never gave up.

I used to ride around

all over town looking

for the best deal on cremation.

Them f***ers.

Robbery.

This one place was asking $1500.

F*** them.

I was like sweetie is this some

sort of deal? Like can

I get a two for one?

That's so niggardly.

What?

I think it's great.

What?

I am very niggardly myself.

What are you talking about?

It means being

able to find a bargain.

Some people call it cheap,

but I like it buying

shirts at the gas station

or eating strictly

at restaurants

that has pictures

of food on the menu.

What?

Niggardly.

Sweetie, where did

you learn your English?

Woody Allen movies.

Many words like

adventitious, hebetudinous.

My aunt got the custody

of her ex-husband's

collection when he left her.

He used to manage a

local cinematic and

was quite a Woody fan.

Is Woody still

married to his daughter?

She's not his daughter.

You see his ex-girlfriend's

adopted daughter

whom he never fathered.

Don't listen to her Cliff.

She'll make genocide

sound like a really

good idea.

And I think it's

beautiful and brave

because he could have picked any

prepossessing little

waitress who wants

to make it in the movies,

but no he went out

on the brink.

He took the blows from

the public because,

you know?

The heart wants what it wants.

Yeah.

I hate that phrase.

It's like the woman who

had a baby when she was 63

but couldn't breastfeed

because her arms were

too short.

Cop, cop, cop, cop.

Ah f***.

Oh I was with a cop once.

I can't f***ing believe this.

He was so young

and funny. So buff.

Okay. Calm down.

But he was short as sh*t.

Sir, please take

the key out of the ignition

and throw it on the street.

Nice and slow.

Keep your hands

where I can see them.

Are you aware that you were

driving with a taillight out?

No. I mean what?

How would you even know -

Could you please

describe for me exactly

the last car you

saw in front of you.

It was a Toyota.

Corolla?

Sure, I guess.

Pretty beat up?

It seemed new.

Light blue, silverish?

It was black.

That was him.

Who?

You have any drugs in the car?

No.

What's your name?

Cliff.

Yeah? Cliff,

why don't you step out

onto the sidewalk for me, huh?

Why?

Come on.

Out of the car Cliff.

Yo, what is this sh*t?

You! Turn around!

No one should see your face.

On the hood Cliff. Come on.

You got anything

on you I'm going to

stick myself with Cliff?

No.

You packing any heat?

What?

You got a gun on you Cliff?

Straps, anything like that?

No.

You got a blow gun?

What?

No?

What the f***?

Keep walking lady.

Keep walking.

Tell me Cliff, why

is it Asian babies

always look so confused?

Huh?

You all right?

Why you walking

around with a cucumber

in your pocket while the

world's falling apart?

Well I -

I use it for gin and tonics.

For a relaxing time, making it a

time.

Am I right?

It's either that or

you're whacking off

in the closet.

Do you know what the best part

about masturbation is?

No.

It's the cuddling afterwards.

What's that?

Woody Allen.

What?

It's a funny anecdotal.

Where you from?

I'm from Berlin,

Germany but I live

in Austria.

How long you been

in the United States?

For two days.

Yeah?

Show me how you suck a cock.

Spit your gum out.

Spit your gum out

and show me with

your mouth how you suck a cock.

I'm not chewing gum.

Spit it out. Show

me how you suck a cock.

That's sh*t man.

I f***ing knew it.

Whoa. Whoa.

What's the deal here?

Mitts. Pleasure to

make your acquaintance.

How did I do?

How was that?

What the hell

is going on here Mitts?

I'm an actor.

I'm in this play

and I play a cop. All right?

And in the first part of the

play I arrest some people

and then five acts later

for about two minutes

I come back in and I

arrest some more people.

The rest of the time I'm

just kind of walking around

on the streets bored.

So, you figured

you would f*** with us?

F*** is such a

strong like negative -

I don't -

It's more of an

energy that I exude.

You know?

I just try to act. That's

the dream, the passion.

You method motherf***er.

Exactly.

You guys want to

come check it out?

It's pretty f***ing awesome.

This chick Angela shows

her tits at the end.

There's plenty of

seats. I'll get you in.

It's not a money thing.

We have previous committments.

Little weird for a play though.

I'm not sure you would

like it, but I think

you might.

Check this out.

Cadillac, panda bear,

seven Belgian milk

peddlers sodomizing the panda.

I think it's

political, but I'm not

entirely sure.

Sounds like a sublime piece.

It's a little pervertito.

If you know what I mean.

You should take Miyoko.

F***ing weird if you don't.

We've got to go.

Where you going?

The party.

Can I come?

F*** no.

You can take my jacket.

Yes, yes!

Are you f***ing kidding me?

It's Paco Rabanne.

Gay.

Wait, wait,

wait. Hold up.

What about your play?

Cliff, what the f*** man?

This is happening.

I'm making this happening.

This is happening.

- He's tall.

- Let's do this.

Yes Cliff, but I think

like a short man.

I was in a bunch

of deleted scenes

in the movie Limitless.

That's the one where

Bradley Cooper discovers

this clear little pill

and it allows him 100%

of his brain function

and basically he just

becomes Charlie Sheen.

I also had this one

commercial, but they wanted

me to wear like

an Ed Hardy shirt.

So I was just like, "F*** that."

Did you ever notice that

an Acura symbol looks

exactly like a p*ssy?

It's just upside down.

That's silly.

German porn. That's all

I'm saying. Yah. Yah.

Oh!

Vicious, you

need to pitch to Frank.

He's got that gunslinger

mentality. Push, push, push.

Make a deal. Make a deal.

Make a

deal. I'm about it.

Oh, I'll be right back.

I'm all over it.

You push. I'll deal.

Or you can deal.

Whatever you're feeling.

You complete me.

Is that him?

What the f*** am

I smiling at him for then?

Okay that was Armando.

He goes under Armand.

He's in fashion, one

of them fashion guys.

He owns a store or

something, Toilet Tablet 2000

Flushes or some sh*t.

But fashion though.

He's a nice guy.

F***ing flamer. Nice though.

Got to look away from the lens.

Got to be aloof.

You know I never know where

to look when I'm

eating a banana.

Crazy.

Where you been?

Oh, I was in the restroom.

I was downloading.

You are such

a cute little person.

You know Varnie

is also an artist.

I think he's very brave.

I'm going to browse.

All right super star.

Don't give up that

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes