Along the Roadside Page #6

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gorgeous ass for under

100 bucks.

I will not!

Wait, he had

an ugly orgasm face?

Yeah, a weasel face.

Pointy mouth, squished face.

What?

Oh, I've had worse.

Lizard face, mouth wide,

f***ing neck tendons

sticking out.

Beaver face. Chin all

tucked in, buck teeth.

Oh, wait monkey face.

Pursed lips.

Ew.

F***ing ew.

So why do guys flex when

you touch their arm?

It's just there.

Just there.

Hey, what's up?

Just browsing you know?

Hey, you want to dance?

I'm kind of

networking right now.

So -

Cool.

But it looks like I'm going

to leave soon.

I spoke with cousin

Cliff so you can

stay at his place

tonight, no problems.

You can stay with those guys.

You can stay here

and hang with Mitts.

Is that cool?

Yeah. Yeah. No worries.

I'll show him how to

suck a guy's cock.

He's actually a nice guy.

Bad actor, but nice guy.

All right. Cool.

I'll see you in the morning.

Cool. Cool.

You having fun?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a guy in

the corner playing

with a little train inside so -

Do they have pianos in Cuba?

Because you can't

play worth a f***.

Just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Did you know Fidel

Castro started out

as an actor.

Are you trying to relate?

Yeah. I'm trying

to relate to you.

An Esther

Williams picture called

Easy to Wed.

Are you an actor too?

There can be only one.

Highlander!

F*** my

wife? F*** my wife?

De Niro!

Thank you.

Raging Bull.

How do you not know this?

All right I've got one for you.

All right. Go for it.

Natural Born Killers.

Come on.

You still -

You didn't know that?

I've got

one. I've got one.

Go for it.

I want to take his face off.

Nipples of Venus.

What do you think?

I feel there's something wanton.

Gauguin was an immature artist.

It's like something, something.

It doesn't make any sense.

Any f***ing sense.

You know the reason

is about 17th on the

list of attributes that

defines us as a species.

I know honey, you're confused.

Where you from?

I'm from Berlin,

Germany, but I live in Austria.

Oh sh*t.

Sprechen sie deutsch?

I feel like

I should bang my heels.

Look I'm a very

special guy. What's up?

What do you say we

take a walk outside.

I'll show you around.

You're kind of cute.

Hm, what do you say?

Good times.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You like

it don't you sweetheart?

She doesn't want to go man.

Come on.

What do you f***ing care?

I should go into my fake limp.

Have a good night.

Oh are we cool now?

Are we boys?

Oh, oh, oh that's my boy.

Hey, hey chill.

Oh, oh big boy like the Hulk.

Oh!

Oh big boy. Oh big boy.

Okay, okay.

Oh, oh hey.

It's okay man.

It's not okay,

you f***ing pendejo.

Migra. Migra. Migra.

That's racist.

Migra. Migra. Migra.

Here, go wait in the car.

Where's Cliff?

Who?

Cliff, where is he?

He took off with

Mr. Potato Head earlier.

Is she going to be okay?

Yeah, we're just,

we're going to take off.

Okay.

What about you?

You going to be all right?

Yeah. Yeah I'm

going to get in with

this Brazilian chick.

It's an ordeal, but

I'm going to pull that.

Yeah. I'm going to

need my utility belt

from your car

before you take off.

How's your head?

It's all right.

I'm a trooper.

Let me see.

Do you have any

napkin or Kleenex?

No.

No?

You're a girl you're supposed

to carry that sh*t with you.

Come on let's get

you cleaned up.

Why do you carry two

tickets for that concert?

I was hoping to

give one away. You know?

To someone.

Can I have it?

No.

Right.

Cuddlement!

A girl can dream can't she?

We're crossing the LA river.

Which apparently exists.

I mean sure but it's

like dreaming of being

a bullfighter when

you're born in like Japan

or England.

The best dreams

are the ones that

grow old with us.

Yeah, but

reality is a grim place.

Yeah, this is true.

But it's the only place

where you can get mochi.

What?

Mochi. It's a

Japanese icecream,

but it's light like a vegetable

that dies and gives itself.

Looks like a scrotum

that died and gave itself.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

If I was food I would be mochi.

Look, nothing personal.

I try not to take

anything personally.

Mm, I think that nothing is

personal for that matter.

Somebody says f*** you.

It's not about you.

They've got their

own thing going on.

Or an of self esteem.

Your boyfriend cheated on you.

Stop looking inwards.

Why not ask one's self,

has he had a good time?

And hope that he

had the best time,

that she did a super

job emptying him out

and that it was worth

it and really mean it.

I think there

is girlfriend material

in you after all.

I know there is.

Can I have some

more of that Japanese sh*t?

Mochi.

Mochi, thanks.

So nice.

You know what?

I mean you're right.

People are consumed

with this f***ed up need

to be themselves some sort

of illusion of a meaning.

You know?

Kind of like I don't

know Mexicans that

start those car clubs.

Or the guys with

chest hair that call it

the love carpet.

Right. So

you understand.

Yes, you are a little reserved.

As long as we

are on the same page.

Oh yeah.

You don't expect me to -

I don't expect you to.

Right. Cool.

You know go all

you can eat buffet on me.

What?

Yeah?

Listen you little

dirty minded kraut.

That's how rumors get started.

Listen, there's a line in me.

That line separates

everything that is public

domain from what

belongs only to me.

You have to sense that line.

Life happens on that line.

Don't try to cross it

or pull me over it.

You want to meet me on

that line then stay there.

Do not reach.

I can get there on my own.

Besides, people try

to manipulate others

into crossing that

line to be what they

want them to be.

So, let's just stay out

of each other's sh*t.

I'm completely lovable.

Varnie, how about this one?

Available immediately

in Englewood.

One bedroom basement apartment

with separate entrance.

Tastefully decorated

with modern decor.

Approximately 650 square

feet, security bars

installed for your

safety and to prevent

unauthorized activity.

Closed circuit camera installed

for security and safety.

One in your suite, one

at the entrance and

one in the exercise yard.

Rent is $850 a month.

Security deposit required

as well plus first

and last rent.

I don't make the rules,

I'm just a fat black woman.

What else?

That's it.

There's a number for

and a full-page ad

for a pack of Newports

with picture of President Obama.

I love his name, Barrack Obama.

That right there says power.

It sounds like he

should be finding a

lawyer this weekend.

F***!

F***!

Battery?

Do you have another one?

I'm not a

f***ing mechanic, Nena.

Do you have any sunblocker?

What's your favorite color?

Huh?

Car!

What?

Car!

Ooh!

In my country

when you buy Yugo car

it comes with bus

schedule included.

Thanks for stopping sir.

Okay. That's okay.

My battery took a sh*t on me.

Do you have jumper cables?

Ah, I don't. I don't.

But I'm making a

stop at one place

they may be able to help.

Work something out.

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