Along the Roadside Page #7

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Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Strap up that piece of sh*t.

Thanks that's -

Thank you.

It's okay. I'd

do it for white guy too.

You dog.

Did you saw the rims?

So, where are you from in LA?

Well I'm not really from LA.

That's

okay. That's okay.

I'm from the biggest

ghetto in Europe. You know?

Does this bother you?

Anyways.

I had business in LA.

Oh yeah?

Bitter story.

What kind of business?

A taxi company.

That is good.

It was called Sexy Taxi.

Wow.

Cause you know I'm the sex guy.

I know you are.

Yeah.

I had eleven cars,

sixteen drivers,

mostly hot Ukrainian b*tches.

Twenty four hours dispatching.

I had accounts,

two hotels,

bunch of restaurants.

Some residental.

What happened?

F***ing sh*t.

Do you live around here?

Not far.

I'm living with two

b*tches right now.

Two of them?

My father told me two things.

One,

"If you are afraid of lonliness

do not marry."

And two,

"Real men takes dump

only once a day,

precisely at noon."

You dog!

Betsy Kennedy.

Huh?

Betsy Kennedy took me

in my first move here.

Fine woman. Fine.

Nice rack!

Very nice.

An ex-boozer who now

believes in Jesus.

Like Bush.

Bush.

Other one is Asian,

traditionally trained the

in art of pleasing a man.

She's very young.

But, as they say

in my village...

The girl is ready when,

my fist can fit into her sock.

You know?

I said that to her once,

I thinks she got offended.

Called me,

peasant.

Told me to go back

to my country,

have sex with my monkey.

You dog!

In Germany two

gay penguins adopted

a chicken that was

thrown out of a parent's

batch.

Hm.

Yeah, there was an

article in the Spiegel.

Spiegel?

Noon.

Ooh!

Can I help you?

Are you Jerry?

I asked if I can help you.

I'm from the Visionary Horizons.

I'm here for the property

beautification thing.

So you're the sh*t man?

And these guys' battery took.

It's dead.

So I thought maybe

you'd be good,

maybe you'd be kind.

Yeah?

The dump is

scheduled for Thursday.

Come back on Thursday.

Esmeralda at

the office sent me today.

There must be some sort

of misunderstanding.

We just need a jump.

What the hell's your name?

Varnie.

Your face looks familiar.

Have you been to

the post office recently?

Yeah. I sent

out 150,000 postcards

all over the world.

You know what they said?

Blow me.

I don't know why I

did that or what I was

trying to prove, but -

All right. You can stay,

but sh*t man's got to go.

There must be misunderstanding.

Why do you keep saying that?

Can you let him do his job?

Please?

No.

Mr. Milutin is

all charged up and

he really wants to go in there.

Milutin f***ed up the date okay?

Why did you f*** that up?

Milutin. Milutin.

Listen, you know what?

Don't tell me how to say stuff

because I'm an American and

I can say it like I please.

Just like they did

on Ellis Island.

I don't f*** up the date.

The gypsy girl at the office,

the receptionist,

she f***ed it up.

She's not a gypsy.

Are you?

Me?

Yeah.

I'm not a gypsy.

No?

No.

You've got a yellow towel

on your f***ing head.

F*** this sh*t

and this creepy motherf***er!

Hey, Milutin.

Can I ask you a

personal question?

Eight inches.

Peace brother.

Thanks for the smoke.

Can I use your restroom?

I just need to change.

It's inside on the left.

Thank you.

Please don't throw

any paper in the bowl.

I think they have

finch fights going on here.

What?

The finch fights.

It is the new hot

underground thing of

There's a lot of

betting involved and the

way they fight them

they would put two

male finches and one

female in one cage

and they male would

fight to death.

Okay, calm down.

Sometimes they

put pieces of razors

on their little claws.

There was an article

in the Spiegel.

What's the Spiegel?

I really think

we should do something.

Listen, no one

cares what you think.

You have a Facebook account.

And what's up with the jacket?

I thought I looked respectable.

Just stay where

I can see you please.

Done.

All that's missing is a.

- I

- Don't have one on me.

Well go get it

you stupid little f***.

What the f*** am

I paying you for?

You're not paying me.

I'm your son-in-law.

Can't you just be useful?

Be useful.

Come on little f***. Get up.

He knows I'm kidding.

He likes it.

So I don't think my car needs a.

Every car needs a, man.

I don't even know what a is.

It sounds foreign

and kind of pervy.

A is a

revolutionary air freshener.

It smells like spring rain.

It also releases negative ions,

as well as oxygen.

It keeps you kind of -

It keeps you kind of perky.

I'm in charge of

marketing for this region.

Maybe you can get

on board and spread

the word and make some cash.

I'm sure it's different

from crack money.

But green is green.

So what do I

owe you for the work?

Don't worry about it.

Jerry's not a ballbreaker.

He wants to help.

Today is my youngest

grandson's birthday.

He turns four.

We're going to make a

surprise party for him.

He's got some sort of deep

psychological problems.

He likes to headbutt

stuff like an angry

mountain goat.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

The kid's only four and he's

already losing his sh*t.

The only thing that

really calms him down

is birds.

Now even all the birds

are killing each other

We have to separate them.

Strange.

Take care man.

All right.

Drive.

What did you do?

Just drive.

I'm adopted

too. You know?

Really?

I mean I can't

prove it but you know

I'm pretty sure.

So how many guys have

you been with before me?

Not bad.

How about yourself?

How many girls?

About 60 I think.

Very good.

Yeah.

You want to know

why I didn't want

to try on those flip flops?

Yesterday back at the store.

Why?

Because I didn't

cut my nails, my toenails.

Yeah.

I thought you might

be having alpha b*tch toe.

A what?

There's a popular

belief that your

status in the relationship

is predetermined

by your toes.

So, if your big toe

is bigger than the one

next to it the male would

be in charge meaning

you're an alpha male.

But if the one next to

your big toe is bigger,

I call it a wingman, meaning

you're an alpha b*tch.

But the thing about it

is what really matters is

the mix.

Two big toes make a good couple.

A big toe and a wingman

means there will

be bloodshed.

Two wingmen probably

means that the couple

will burn over low

flame of depression for

the rest of their life.

Because one will always

look to the other

to cut the ribbon.

Well, I ain't

got the alpha b*tch.

Do not walk in front of me.

I may not follow.

Do not walk behind

me, I may not lead.

Just walk beside me

and be my friend.

I don't give a f*** about toes.

I also shuffle my

feet like a Japenese girl

in high heels.

Works better with a

bunch of shopping bags.

Wow.

You like that?

So tight.

It was sad and

beautiful at the same time.

That's what we do.

We turn pain into profit.

We do at that.

Just like Adele who has

been crying over the same

guy for four years now.

So, where are you guys from?

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