Alter Egos Page #2

mentioned your dad like that.

- Oh, who cares?

I'm used to it, right?

- Your dad

was a great superhero.

- Really?

How great could he be?

Either he did

what everybody said he did,

or he was too stupid,

he just let it happen.

- Yeah, well, the supercorps

said he didn't do it.

- Then why couldn't they

prove it?

- Well--

- no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to debate it.

I don't want to talk about it.

I've got my own life.

Got my own problems.

Like, for example,

when I don't meet Emily today,

she's gonna hate me,

exactly like she hates Brendan.

Unless I create

another alter ego for myself.

- Don't do that.

- I might do it.

- When's the last time

you were Brendan?

- [Sighs]

Technically, this is supposed

to be my day off.

- You have to clear

your schedule.

You don't just punch a clock

on a mission.

With great power

comes great respon--

- yeah, all right,

I get the point.

Can I call her from your phone?

- You can't use

a superhero phone.

What is she going to think

when she sees the caller I.D.?

That I was going to Hampton bays

to meet you,

so I don't think she's

really going to freak out.

- You told her

about this mission?

- She's my girlfriend.

- Oh, come on, man, no.

She's Brendan's girlfriend.

She's not supposed to know

about superhero stuff.

- Okay, well, it's not really

that simple.

Because she's, um...

She's cheating on me.

On Brendan.

- Oh.

- With me.

Fridge.

- Look, bottom line is that

Emily is not happy with Brendan.

She doesn't want to be dating

some broke wannabe cartoonist.

- This is a seriously

unprofessional situation.

- She deserves more

than just hanging around,

ordering takeout,

and watching reruns

with that guy.

- Is that for dramatic effect?

- Wh-what?

- Calling him "that guy"?

It's you.

You're him.

You're that guy.

- It's funny.

I don't feel like him.

Not, like, one little bit.

I actually think

that I'm taller than Brendan.

You think that's possible?

- No.

- And then I remembered

that Fridge

was always a way bigger hit

with the ladies.

So when I, Fridge, saw her

walking down the street,

I froze the sidewalk, right,

to make her slip and fall

so that I could catch her

and save her.

- [Gasps]

- And then...It was amazing.

She had never looked

at Brendan--

at me--like that before.

And then when I, Brendan,

called her to ask

what she was doing that night,

she said she was sick

and had to stay in,

when really she had plans

with me, Fridge.

I took her to some place

that Brendan could never afford.

There were these guys

who owed me a favor.

I kept their freezer cold

during the blackout.

And then we went

back to her apartment.

[Laughter]

One thing led to another...

[Glass shattering]

You see why I don't want to

change back into my alter ego?

If I become Brendan,

who knows what he's going to do?

He might do something stupid,

and break up with her.

Then he's going to ruin this

great thing

that I've got going on

with Emily.

- Y-you know, you really

shouldn't be saying this

in front of anyone.

Superhero stuff, alter egos,

top secret.

- No, because people are going

to think that you're insane.

- Why can't you just

be happy for me?

You know, the sex with Fridge

is way better.

- [Sighs]

Wait, why is it better?

- Chicks dig the costume.

They dig the costume.

- [Clears throat]

- Oh, we're not accepting

superhero credit anymore.

Sorry.

We take cash.

[Door creaking]

- Ow!

Damn it.

Jimmy, I know you're there.

- I brought you a present.

So you can test out

your fashion line on something.

- Um, it's a little bit small

for that.

And it's not really

a fashion line.

It's just a hobby.

- Well, unfortunately,

hobbies are illegal

in this town.

Gonna have to frisk you, ma'am.

- You really...

You don't have to frisk me.

- Your tits are so much nicer

than my wife's.

- Jimmy!

- That was a compliment.

- Okay, here's the thing:

I felt sorry for you,

because your wife

kicked you out.

Now I don't even really

feel sorry for you.

- What do you feel?

- Nothing.

- Do you want me

to get divorced

so that we can make it official?

- I don't want it

to be official.

- Because I will.

- Never was official.

You can go now.

[Sighs]

- I can't believe the crap

they write about me.

I mean, my suits

aren't taxicab yellow.

- Ugh, of course.

It goes to voicemail,

but her mailbox is full.

Unbelievable.

- What happened to you, bro?

You used to be

such a ladies' man

before you met this girl.

- [Sighs]

I don't know.

Love changes you, I guess.

- I wouldn't call it love.

It's more like kryptonite

for your balls.

All right, look, why don't you

go back to the front desk,

but this time, go as Brendan?

- Okay.

Maybe she'll feel sorry for him.

[Upbeat pop music]

[Horn honking]

- Suck my balls, superfreaks.

- Son of a b*tch.

Hey, how do I look?

- You got a little dirt on you.

But good.

Good.

You look...Normal.

How do you feel?

- Emily's cheating on me.

Man, I got to dump the slut

before she dumps me.

Sh*t.

- Dump Emily?

But I thought...

Whoa.

- [Sighs]

Hello.

- Hello.

How can I help you?

- Uh...

I need to break up

with my girlfriend.

Like, today.

Like, right now.

- Not on my account, I hope.

I'm kidding.

[Laughs]

Wait, sorry--

you're serious?

- Um...

- Why are you telling me?

- Because I'm afraid

that if I don't do it right now,

I'm gonna lose the courage.

So despite what that sign says,

I have to use your Internet.

So I can email her

and break up with her.

- That's not a really nice way

of breaking up with someone.

- Well, she's cheating on me,

so...

- Oh, I see.

Yeah, that's messed up.

- Look, you know, this isn't

particularly pleasant for me,

or easy.

- I know; I've been trying

to end something

with someone for weeks.

- What's stopping you?

- His inability to understand

words that come out of my mouth

when I talk.

- Is he foreign?

- Nope.

Just stupid.

- Right.

- You 100% sure

that she's cheating on you?

- Pretty sure.

The guy that she's cheating with

kind of told me.

- You know him?

- I know him.

We're sort of, like, friends.

- Ouch.

- Jesus, dude.

- Oh, it gets worse.

The guy's a superhero.

- [Groans]

I had a couple of those idiots

come in here.

- Yeah.

- They seem like such jerks.

- Guess she likes men in tights?

- What is with that?

It's like each one's got to have

his own stupid little outfit?

Why?

They're such egomaniacs.

- Fine.

I sympathize.

- Really?

- Come with me.

- Thank you.

- No porn, though.

- I can't promise anything.

- Is there a really cool bug

there or something?

- No.

- Well, why are you staring

at the wall so closely?

- I'm staring through the wall,

genius.

I'm a--

I'm a superhero.

- What's your superpower?

- X-ray vision, moron.

- Can you see

through my clothes?

- No.

- Why not?

- I mean, I can,

but I don't want--

ugh!

- Well, what else can you do?

Do you have X-ray hearing?

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