Alter Egos Page #3

- No!

But I can read lips pretty good.

- Well, that's not really

a superpower.

- Isn't there a joint somewhere

that needs to be smoked?

- How do you compete

with superman,

who has X-ray vision, but tons

of other cool powers, too,

like flying,

running really fast?

Catching bullets

with his teeth's pretty cool.

- Superman is a totally

fictional, made-up character.

He's not real.

Real superheroes

only have one superpower.

That's why we work together

in the supercorps.

- So you know

the real identities

of all the superheroes

in the supercorps?

- Yeah, I know a lot of them.

- Is Sandra bullock a superhero?

- No.

- Salman rushdie?

- Yeah, salman is.

Look, I got to get back to work.

- Me, too.

[Glass squeaking]

- "You are a cheating slut.

I am breaking up with you."

- You know what I do

when I'm feeling insecure

about something?

- I don't know

if I'm feeling insecure--

- I tell myself,

"be who you are.

"Say what you feel, because

those who matter don't mind,

and those who mind,

don't matter."

- Okay, wow, well,

that's really good.

I should get you to write this.

- Oh, I didn't write it.

Dr. Seuss did.

- [Chuckles]

- What, you think it's weird

that I quote Dr. Seuss?

- No, I love Dr. Seuss.

He's like Shakespeare.

You know, I only understand,

like, 30% of it,

but the 30%

that I do understand,

is just unbelievably beautiful.

- That is what is so great

about Dr. Seuss, though.

I mean, he has all these weird

names for things,

like, um, barbaloots.

- Barbaloots.

- Truffula trees.

- Oh, man.

- The lorax.

- Are truffula trees

the ones that look like

these mega-delicious cupcakes?

- Yeah, pretty much everything

in Dr. Seuss's world

looks like something that would

give you a sugar high.

- [Sighs]

It's making me hungry.

- You're procrastinating.

Hit "send."

[Mouse clicks]

How do you feel?

- Incredibly good.

I feel really good.

- Good!

So what brings you out here,

anyway?

- Oh, uh, I illustrate

nature books,

so I'm out here

drawing nature stuff.

- Will you draw me something?

- Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, not right now,

because I have

performance anxiety.

I get shy.

[Cell phone buzzing]

- You watching Fridge?

- Yes, captain.

- Well, on the camera, I can see

shrink trying to kill himself.

- Wait, what?

[Dramatic music]

I'm not playing this.

- [Grunts]

[Zapping]

Why did you stop me?

If you want me dead,

what difference does it make

who kills me?

- Why are you in such a rush

to die?

- Oh, so now you're the shrink,

huh?

- You know, if he wants to die,

then why don't we just let him

kill himself?

Then we don't have

to go through with this.

- Please don't be a moron,

C-Thru.

We need this on tape.

Stop annoying me.

- Are you staying in town?

- Yeah.

Well, no, I'm not, actually.

I'm not staying anywhere.

- Do you need a room

for the night?

- Um...

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah, I guess I do.

Sure.

Does it ever get,

like, scary out here, all alone?

Because it's not quite like

the shining,

but it's a lot like the shining.

- [Laughs]

Well, it's fun

not having my parents around.

And we have a boat at the dock,

so I go out on the water a lot.

Plus, you never know

who you're going to meet.

- I feel like somebody must have

paid you to be nice to me.

- Um, I think that would make me

some kind of a call girl?

- Well, that's not exactly

what I meant.

- Okay, you're room 26.

Um...

So do you want to--

- I got to, um--

sorry, go ahead.

You first.

- I was just wondering

if you're hungry.

If you want to have lunch.

- Uh, no.

Yes!

Yes, no, I would love

to have lunch.

- Groovy, okay.

Well, I'll let you

get settled in,

and then we can do it in, say,

an hour?

- Yeah, great.

Groovy.

- You know, I myself,

if I could have a superpower,

I'd want to be super sexy.

You know, you'd get into

all the great nightclubs.

- Yeah, you know,

I don't think that would be

my first pick for--

- were no sexual relations

between that woman and myself.

- We need pistols.

You've seen the movies.

You shoot 'em in the leg.

You get 'em down.

How am I going to do that

with this?

[Flames crackling]

- The reason that he seems

so far behind,

is that he's way out in front.

I mean, I'll give you

an example.

You know, '89, sunburn

was taking me to nirvana shows.

This is pre-

teen spirit.

- That's why we started

the superbag initiative.

But then the superheroes

just started leaving their bags

everywhere.

I didn't think we'd have

to explain to them, you know,

you take the bag with you.

I mean, you don't leave

your clothes in the park

when you change, right?

I don't have to explain that

to you.

You'd think a superhero

might get that.

[Knock at door]

- Dude, where the hell

have you been?

I've been looking everywhere

for you.

- Did she see you knock

on my door?

- No, who?

- Because she hates superheroes.

So, I'm sorry,

but I can't be seen with you.

- Who?

- You, you!

Dude, you know, I saw you

with that needle in your arm.

- It's just...Medical.

It's fine.

- Medical?

I mean, Jesus, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

It's not important.

What's important now is--

I'm glad you finally showered.

Here.

Come on, put this on.

It's time to meet the prisoner.

- Hi, have you seen Fridge?

Scrawny blue guy?

He shoots ice out of his hands?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I seen him.

He's here.

- Where is he?

- He's right over there.

Up there.

- Fridge!

- Hey, is there

some kind of party here?

- You know, I don't want

to jinx anything,

but, um, man, I think I'm,

like, falling in love.

- With who?

- Claudel.

The girl at the front desk.

- What about Emily?

- Emily?

I dumped her.

She was cheating on me.

Weren't you listening

to anything I said before?

- Yeah, you said that the sex

with Emily was better than ever.

- The sex with Fridge

was better.

Look, it doesn't matter now,

because you know what?

I've got claudel.

- Great, you bond

over Dr. Seuss,

and all of a sudden you're ready

to get married.

- Oh, very nice, tea bags.

You've been spying on me.

- Not spying, dude.

Keeping tabs.

I mean, we're on a mission here.

And, frankly,

your behavior's been unsettling.

- I don't get it.

Why do we have to meet

the prisoner?

I mean, aren't we

just transporting him?

- No, this is what I've

been trying--

- Fridge!

- What the hell?

- Can you focus please?

- Fridge?

- What is she doing here?

- Who?

- Emily.

- No, no.

- Fridge!

- Fridge!

- You.

- Emily?

- You've got some nerve

breaking up with me in an email.

- I don't have time for this.

- Accusing me of cheating.

Who do you think you are,

Batman?

- No, I don't think I'm Batman.

Can I talk to you over here,

please?

Ow.

Don't hit me.

How did you find me?

- The note that you left

on my pillow, you idiot.

- Jesus Christ.

I am just going through

some sh*t right now.

- Well, don't take it out on me,

d*ckhead.

- Don't do that.

Can I say something please?

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